tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-60167360033796344012024-03-05T12:15:16.244-08:00Jenni with an "i"They say modern writers need a "platform." I have plenty of these in the closet, but apparently they aren't the right kind.Jenni Wiltzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02661050256535845651noreply@blogger.comBlogger101125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6016736003379634401.post-26702571228944386562015-01-11T11:00:00.000-08:002015-01-11T11:00:02.881-08:00Adventures in Pantsing: A Plotter Tries to Cut Loose<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-OSDmuAbibyHbwUY_-2C1x8gcoCjzh4i-XaI0N8zhtPNKdiqfgZzKZ_bpBHNG6cGMnEh0aVLJEW-jLQVNld17G9RmqHuDAoHrkKv1QJOaFKvU2wo0D0xtnvItn7XCdAEwpJ0bAioxJls/s1600/Adventures-header-web.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Adventures in Pantsing. Just call me Jeniana Jones. I'm not kidding. That actually sounds cool." border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-OSDmuAbibyHbwUY_-2C1x8gcoCjzh4i-XaI0N8zhtPNKdiqfgZzKZ_bpBHNG6cGMnEh0aVLJEW-jLQVNld17G9RmqHuDAoHrkKv1QJOaFKvU2wo0D0xtnvItn7XCdAEwpJ0bAioxJls/s1600/Adventures-header-web.jpg" title="Adventures in Pantsing. Just call me Jeniana Jones. I'm not kidding. That actually sounds cool." /></a></div>
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The first ghost story I ever wrote sucked royally. It was derivative as hell, like everything I wrote in middle school. I named it after my favorite Julee Cruise song ("<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GeQIw6vktRA" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">The Nightingale</a>"), called my ghost heroine Mina (I'd just read <i>Dracula</i>), and made the hero kill the ghost of the woman he once loved (more shades of <i>Dracula</i>). My eighth-grade teacher made just one comment. He wrote "Good word use" next to "tentatively." I got an A. Then he read it out loud to the class. I was a little traumatized by having my private creation shared with the world. <br />
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I haven't written a true ghost story since. <br />
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Until now. <br />
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For the hell of it, I revisited two ideas I'm still uncomfortable with: pantsing a story and writing a ghost story. Let me preface this by saying I am SO NOT a pantser. I need things to be spelled out, plot-wise and character-wise, before I feel comfortable diving in. I like knowing where I'm going, so I can focus all my effort on the language and descriptions. If I'm too worried about the <i>how</i>, I can't think about the <i>what</i>. And as for ghost stories, mostly I don't write them because it's so hard to come up with something original. Hell, after nine and a half seasons of <i>Supernatural</i>, what's left for the rest of us? <br />
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<b>I. The Prep Work</b><br />
As a writer, it's my duty to try and grow as an artist, right? All right, fine, challenge accepted. As an exercise, I forced myself to pants my way through a ghost story. No pressure, no word count, no real goals other than to write for 30 minutes during my lunch break at work and just see what happened. I chose the first setting that came to mind--the area I live in--and what it's famous for--the gold rush. A long-ass time ago (okay, it was October of 2013), I watched a <a href="http://www.discovery.com/tv-shows/gold-fever/gold-fever-episodes/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Discovery channel show on the Gold Rush</a>. A couple of elements really stuck with me, so I tied in two of them: a struggling group of miners called the Boston Company and a cholera epidemic that struck the gold fields. And I started typing.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicqk6wQ5zLw2sN8Wtbkt8j5tGkKvPpIDELyxwwSJlzppPO-gz6oghEmSBZhUGQUtWDoZrgB92uVVS5mtrAt29KwQm_FnHBe877XbOJGWgeHr7eBxhUrir2HZrYBfRxfZ80GX1UBzoxzA8/s1600/Adventures-pullquote-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="The gold fields lay empty, the sole glimmer emanating from the hard metal of the stars above. Once again, Frank had found nothing." - from "Gold Fever" by Jenni Wiltz" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicqk6wQ5zLw2sN8Wtbkt8j5tGkKvPpIDELyxwwSJlzppPO-gz6oghEmSBZhUGQUtWDoZrgB92uVVS5mtrAt29KwQm_FnHBe877XbOJGWgeHr7eBxhUrir2HZrYBfRxfZ80GX1UBzoxzA8/s1600/Adventures-pullquote-1.jpg" title="Gold Fever by Jenni Wiltz" /></a></div>
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<b>II. The Opening</b><br />
Predictably, it was ASSLOADS OF HARD to get going. I began with a lame description of setting. Normally, my inner editor would take over and tell me to delete it all, but what the hell, I was <i>pantsing</i>, which meant I didn't know what I <i>wouldn't</i> need. I typed and typed. Blah blah starlight, blah blah cholera. I knew something creepy would have to happen, so about a page in, I casually mentioned that one of the miners had disappeared. When his horse returned to camp, they found him chopped into bits, stacked in the saddlebags. That took care of the whole "introduce a conflict" thing. <br />
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But then I had to figure out who had done this evil deed. (A ghost, of course. This is a GHOST STORY, after all.) That's why it really sucked when I realized a man had done the deed. An old man. A weird man. But a man. Damn it. <br />
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In keeping with my being a plotter, I could have overruled my gut. I could have made the man a ghost because it made more sense. But being a pantser isn't always about what makes sense. So I allowed the villain to take shape as a man inside my head. To further the conflict, I had to send my hero out looking for this man. Because I'm kind of a bitch to my characters, I made him half dead from cholera. Real hard to aim a gun straight when you're not even strong enough to hold it up.<br />
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Now I started to feel things coming together. I had a man, a conflict, a weakness, and a creepy villain. This was going to be easy, right?<br />
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Nope.<br />
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Shit.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCXnN3HXLyOM0ZcrOe20H7I6zzN5kI89A3xKMfRyGUGhXeQs3lKmxpzQvUn-2Skb1njL9RQV44Qdvfewt8MyrHXTj0jfwwfx2utScxe28LFa-1ia8-ZTWz3tqECCnbR1XVL6NUQ4VOmyM/s1600/Adventures-pullquote-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt=""Ten days ago, the doctor said he would live. Seven days ago, Frank started to believe him." - from "Gold Fever" by Jenni Wiltz" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCXnN3HXLyOM0ZcrOe20H7I6zzN5kI89A3xKMfRyGUGhXeQs3lKmxpzQvUn-2Skb1njL9RQV44Qdvfewt8MyrHXTj0jfwwfx2utScxe28LFa-1ia8-ZTWz3tqECCnbR1XVL6NUQ4VOmyM/s1600/Adventures-pullquote-2.jpg" title=""Gold Fever" by Jenni Wiltz" /></a></div>
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<b>III. The Complication</b><br />
Once I put my hero on a horse and sent him in search of the old weird man's cabin, I realized I had no idea what would happen when he got there. Because I had no idea why the old man did it. Insanity only works in the legal system; it's not a good way to motivate a story. Stories need to be tied together more firmly than our minds are in real life. So the old man can't be a lunatic. He must have had a good reason for butchering that poor miner. But what the hell was it?<br />
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My hero approached the cabin at night and called out to the old man. When in doubt, generate more conflict, right? This was the most direct way of doing that, so I went with it.<br />
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I hesitated here...should the old man actually answer the door, or should my hero have to spy on him to get the information he needed? I decided to go for broke here, and have a direct conversation between them.<br />
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The old man opened the door and invited my hero in.<br />
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And then I realized why: the inside of the cabin was hung entirely with guns. Muskets. Rifles. Of all ages and types. Mounted on the wall. All pointing toward the old man's chair by the fire. Apparently, my old man was a suicidal paranoid kleptomaniac nut job. But now I'd given myself another problem: who was this guy, and how did he get a collection of weaponry that included guns that were 300 years old? And why was he in the Sierra foothills with this massive collection of Renaissance-era European weaponry? What the hell was happening?<br />
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The old man was running away with my story, writing checks my brain couldn't cash. I had no idea how I would explain any of this, but these are the images that popped into my head and that my fingers typed out on the page. In the true spirit of pantsing, I let him do it. It went against the very fiber of my being not to stop, think, and really figure out who this guy was before continuing. But I didn't. I wrote a garbage conversation where the hero asked the old man if he murdered the miner. The old man said he did. No surprise, and no tension. I felt the story floundering. Where could it go from here? And wasn't this supposed to be a ghost story? I had no ghosts, no whodunit, no motive, and a buttload of guns I couldn't explain. Because pantsing is AWESOME that way. <i>You will never do this again</i>, I told myself. As Bartok had warned, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wQp1vglWejs" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">this would only end in tears</a>.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghBKBn-9omsWHa1Ca6pD6D6pTCiSjDZxGf56fpjVWtYHImf50TjFk5YNEJlrB0jb03TGyKAefHQzjSWkbQzoNjMHdkry28f_MC5EcLlDCPEVFjy2_f1yS2UQDh6KxB47d6NcLCyklAvfg/s1600/Adventures-pullquote-3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt=""Farrier had left for the dark hill at dawn and been delivered back to the river camp in pieces, stacked neatly in his saddlebags. What had done the delivering no one knew." - from "Gold Fever" by Jenni Wiltz" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghBKBn-9omsWHa1Ca6pD6D6pTCiSjDZxGf56fpjVWtYHImf50TjFk5YNEJlrB0jb03TGyKAefHQzjSWkbQzoNjMHdkry28f_MC5EcLlDCPEVFjy2_f1yS2UQDh6KxB47d6NcLCyklAvfg/s1600/Adventures-pullquote-3.jpg" title=""Gold Fever" by Jenni Wiltz" /></a></div>
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<b>IV. The Payoff...Maybe</b><br />
But the next day, on the way home from work, I had an epiphany. I remembered something from a trip to Santa Fe I'd taken years before. The city was settled ridiculously early in history, in the late 1500s if I remembered right. And then I remembered...weren't all those early Spanish explorers looking for the <i>one</i> thing the miners had just found in California? Holy shit. That was it. The link that made my plotting self giddy: a historical connection. The Spanish explorers who came to New Mexico were looking for El Dorado, golden cities that would be overflowing with riches for everyone. And did they find it? No, but the miners did. Hell, I live in El Dorado County. <br />
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But now I had another problem: how does this historical connection translate for these characters? There's no damn way a dude alive in 1849 would have been alive in the 1500s...or is there? This was supposed to be a ghost story, wasn't it? So maybe the old man's a ghost after all. But if he was really a ghost, why all the guns? Are there guns that can kill ghosts? I was getting backed into a corner by my own pantsing. <i>God, this is painful</i>, I thought. <i>Why do people do this? When did thinking really hard become passe?</i> <br />
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<b>V. The Reveal</b><br />
So I had to nix the full-on ghost idea. The man is a man, which explains why he needs guns. He is also 300 years old, which makes him a kind of living ghost. But how? And why? What did I know about Spanish explorers? Only what I remembered from grade school. But that wasn't strictly true. A couple years ago, when I got obsessed with genealogical research, I discovered that my great-grandma's grandma was a <a href="http://www.johnsevierchapter.org/timeline.htm" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Sevier</a>.<br />
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A little online digging produced some circumstantial evidence that links the Seviers to the name Xavier, which was originally Javier. It was Spanish, or to be more precise, Basque. One member of this family became incredibly famous. His name is Francis Xavier, the Catholic saint. He traveled to Asia to spread Christianity, and died in the Philippines. So now I had a famous explorer (sort of), a connection to Spain, and the right time period. Now I just had to connect Xavier to my old man.<br />
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In typical Jenni fashion (overdoing it and over-thinking it), I created a grandiose link between the two men. No, I won't tell you what it is. That would ruin the story. But I poured out the whole story through the old man's lips, as his cholera-weakened adversary lay on the floor of the cabin in defeat. But there was just one more problem left to solve. The ending.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfCTtPDNzp5CwsSggtb7Uu9ChP09hPHkHLAgAOvz5gafOA7Kl6RH6Yg18SpI47RHFaYpAcs94xbX_rlBGyZCTBBxaXieGQVsyP6SQyLOlCgb0xXjHvDugx1Devcb7YfUBaXylkGqi67kI/s1600/Adventures-pullquote4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt=""Did you kill John Farrier?" / "I don't know your names." / "Did you chop him into pieces and put him in a saddlebag?" / The stubble on the man's lower cheeks began to move. He was laughing. "Kill one of you? I have killed almost all of you."" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfCTtPDNzp5CwsSggtb7Uu9ChP09hPHkHLAgAOvz5gafOA7Kl6RH6Yg18SpI47RHFaYpAcs94xbX_rlBGyZCTBBxaXieGQVsyP6SQyLOlCgb0xXjHvDugx1Devcb7YfUBaXylkGqi67kI/s1600/Adventures-pullquote4.jpg" title="Gold Fever by Jenni Wiltz" /></a></div>
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<b>VI. The Triumph</b><br />
So, the good guy is lying half dead on the floor of the bad guy's weird cabin after a brief skirmish. It hardly seems fair. I mean, the bad guy wins? Whaaa? Is that how it works when you pants a story? Not if I have anything to say about it. I <i>had</i> to create a way for the good guy to triumph...even if his cholera kills him. </div>
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Going back to the basic mechanics of fiction helped here. I had to think about what it was my villain (the old guy) wanted. And then I took that away from him, with one sentence from the younger man. So, whether the younger guy gets away and dies of cholera, gets away and survives, or is killed by the angry old man, no one wins. I like stories like that. When I'm doing literary-style stories, I always aim for the gray area. Black and white is good for genre fiction, but not a story like this. In that, I might have succeeded. <br />
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Which brings us to the end of the story.<br />
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Or is it? I still have to figure out how to explain all those guns, after all. <br />
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Damn you, pantsing. </div>
Jenni Wiltzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02661050256535845651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6016736003379634401.post-9154318457229046272014-12-14T11:41:00.000-08:002014-12-14T12:09:33.018-08:008 Lessons Learned from Taking 2 Years to Finish 1 Novel<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyoaztbr-LNG8NOGW6xQgugjrW-D3PqnO_mrjHPfkBowJooa0kCQ_lpohet5KHnCeJEH8t9wOjmzw0RmSBI1JgupZ32qJhd2Dbn5kaNt3D9PLvH7RLTpmMK6dBercq-QmuvXdBjoGVr0M/s1600/Cover_376x600.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Book Cover: The Red Road by Jenni Wiltz" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyoaztbr-LNG8NOGW6xQgugjrW-D3PqnO_mrjHPfkBowJooa0kCQ_lpohet5KHnCeJEH8t9wOjmzw0RmSBI1JgupZ32qJhd2Dbn5kaNt3D9PLvH7RLTpmMK6dBercq-QmuvXdBjoGVr0M/s1600/Cover_376x600.png" height="400" title="The Red Road by Jenni Wiltz" width="250" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What, me, self promote? Perish the thought.<br />
I'd never be so brazen as to tell you that it's<br />
available for pre-order on <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Red-Road-Novel-Jenni-Wiltz-ebook/dp/B00QQPM2O0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Amazon</a> or <a href="http://store.kobobooks.com/en-US/ebook/the-red-road-4" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Kobo</a>.<br />
Official release date: January 26, 2015.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">So if I don't write a post for five months, will anyone notice? It's been eating at me - the time I've spent away from blogging about reading and writing. My last post was in July, for goodness' sake. I had lots to say, but no time to say it. But now that </span><i style="font-family: inherit;">The Red Road</i><span style="font-family: inherit;"> is finished, I feel like a weight has been lifted. It's cliche, and as a writer, I should do better, but that's </span><i style="font-family: inherit;">exactly</i><span style="font-family: inherit;"> what it feels like. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
This two-and-a-half-year journey is finally coming to an end. I started writing <i>The Red Road</i> in May of 2012. As of December 2014, it's done. As in file name "TheRedRoadFINALFINALNOREALLYIMNOT<br />KIDDINGTHISTIMEFINAL.epub." It's formatted, tested, and ready for pre-sale on the interwebs. Now it's time to wrangle some marketing and take stock of what I've learned. And, boy, this is the book that's taught me the most. Here's some of what I've learned.</span><br />
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<b><span style="color: purple;">Lesson #1:</span></b> Writing about real life is hard. In thrillers, it's easy to come up with a quip and have the bad guy shoot someone to get out of a tough spot. In a book about high school girls? Not so much. These characters don't have the spatial freedom grown-ups have. I had to give up the easy answers that thrillers and paranormal tales had to offer.</span><br />
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<b><span style="color: purple;">Lesson #2:</span></b> Writing about real people is hard. I don't think I will ever do this again. Characters based on my mom, dad, and sister are in this book. And I did bad things to them. I stripped every character of safety and left the worst versions of themselves exposed. This is much easier to do with people you're not sitting across the table from at Thanksgiving.</span><br />
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<b><span style="color: purple;">Lesson #3:</span></b> You have to care about something a hell of a lot to work on it for two and a half years. There were times I cried, shut off the computer, and told the hubby I needed to find something else to do with my life. I never actually <i>wanted</i> to give up, but it felt good to say. It gave me the freedom to come back the next day and say, "Well, since I'm giving up, I guess it would be okay to tweak this one thing just to see what would happen." Sometimes that was enough to take the pressure off and shut down my inner editor, who is a world-class psycho hose beast. </span><br />
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<b><span style="color: purple;">Lesson #4:</span></b> Don't go into a book with a social or moral agenda. When I started this book, I was fresh out of grad school. I wanted to write a literary novel, a novel with purpose. I picked out all the social ills and evils of my hometown and forced them into the story. Guess what? The first draft was embarrassing. Preachy. Overwrought. Lacking connection with the characters. And, worst of all, boring. I deleted most of it.</span><br />
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<b><span style="color: purple;">Lesson #5:</span></b> Presentation matters. File size, epub2 versus epub3, fleurons, dropcaps, embeddable fonts, line height, media queries...holy crap, I didn't know what I didn't know until I decided not to rely on Smashwords or Microsoft Word. My brain hurts. But this is the best-looking book I've ever put out. Now I'm kind of ashamed of all prior efforts.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYjlOK6MOPSDAhcd-RCAhOy3SnBlGDvpSngRMSiSraw7T1p5OE-zq90T0defR8j75hrmQk0-LiIaYQByWBn7CXouvddCYWdOZKGbI_qRs2La3D7BA1AJBiD-HIo6Q379c-bqj6M2nvkpw/s1600/TheRedRoadfilenametag.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Graphic: Purple nametag that says, "Hello, My filename is TheRedRoadFINALFINALNOREALLYIMNOTKIDDINGTHISTIMEFINAL_VERSION3_USETHIS.epub"" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYjlOK6MOPSDAhcd-RCAhOy3SnBlGDvpSngRMSiSraw7T1p5OE-zq90T0defR8j75hrmQk0-LiIaYQByWBn7CXouvddCYWdOZKGbI_qRs2La3D7BA1AJBiD-HIo6Q379c-bqj6M2nvkpw/s1600/TheRedRoadfilenametag.jpg" height="265" title="Hello, My Filename is TheRedRoadFINALFINALNOREALLYIMNOTKIDDINGTHISTIMEFINAL_VERSION3_USETHIS.epub" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><span style="color: purple;">Lesson #6:</span></b> Never give up. Be as stubborn as you can. The day that ends in failure? It's just today. Tomorrow's different. You might spend weeks trying to figure out the dumbest thing (why the <i>eff</i> images come out huge in Adobe Digital Editions when they look great in the InDesign file). And you might feel really stupid and small because you can't "get" something that most people don't even bother thinking about. But if you keep working at it, you'll unlock it. And then everything you do from here on out will be right and you'll know why. It won't be an accident.</span><br />
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<b><span style="color: purple;">Lesson #7:</span></b> Take the time you need. This goes hand-in-hand with Lesson #6. Any sane person would have said, screw this ninth draft. Screw this stupid image that won't size right. I can't spend any more time on this. Those Write, Publish, Repeat guys have serialized a twice-as-long sequel to War and Peace in the time it's taken me to figure out what CSS is. They don't write ninth drafts. And they're making money. So why should I do it? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
You should do it because you care about your work and your name and the story you're telling. If you care more about production time and the number of titles you can crank out in a year, you and I are different and that's okay. I want to take my time. I want to savor the process and learn every part of it. Delayed by 10 weeks to learn InDesign and eBook coding? Fine by me. Delayed by 3 months to add new character arc and revise book again? If it makes the story stronger and will leave readers more satisfied, I'll do it every damn time.</span><br />
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<b><span style="color: purple;">Lesson #8:</span></b> Stay true to you. The writing world is full of posts and books that offer strategies, productivity tips, and shortcuts. Hell, I'm writing a tip-filled post right now. You have to know which are going to help you and which are not. You have to know what you believe in and why. And you have to know your own strengths and weaknesses. All advice must be filtered through your self-awareness. I'm still learning how to do this. But I'm getting better every day.</span><br />
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You are the architect of your own success. Good luck out there.</span>Jenni Wiltzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02661050256535845651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6016736003379634401.post-34137887524447213842014-07-20T13:04:00.004-07:002014-12-14T10:53:47.071-08:00First Impressions: "The Goldfinch" by Donna Tartt<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJ46d2zoXAA-XqxKNqokovB6SX7KKQSv-dfx1ojnrQFIjGduEFMqs9RVoFAA4xsqdiaWAerdGka39emg59oRDNbi6eR3ZxE8paZCrEOT1n_XWkFZ4a0IIG0QPriP_sirVGoSre9QspUcI/s1600/goldfinch.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJ46d2zoXAA-XqxKNqokovB6SX7KKQSv-dfx1ojnrQFIjGduEFMqs9RVoFAA4xsqdiaWAerdGka39emg59oRDNbi6eR3ZxE8paZCrEOT1n_XWkFZ4a0IIG0QPriP_sirVGoSre9QspUcI/s1600/goldfinch.jpg" height="320" title="The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt" width="206" /></a></div>
I've been looking forward to reading <i>The Goldfinch</i> ever since it came out. It sat, neglected, on my Kindle for months while I worked on my own book. I'm still working on that book, but I finally decided to dive into the book that won this year's Pulitzer Prize for literature.<br />
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As soon as I started reading, I realized I was going to have to start writing stuff down. Not because I was loving it, but because I was confused. That's the word that sums up my experience of this book so far: confusion.<br />
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I loved <i>The Secret History</i>. I haven't read <i>The Little Friend</i>. Those are the only other books Tartt has published, so there's not a heck of a lot of room for comparison. I immediately got sucked into the deep sense of mystery and foreboding in <i>The Secret History</i>. It opens with a murder, for heaven's sake. <i>The Goldfinch</i> doesn't. It's....difficult, and not in a good way. I'm still reading the book. But I started digging through reviews to see if other people were having the same WTF moments I'm having.<br />
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Let's take a look at some of those moments.<br />
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<b><span style="color: purple;">1. Problematic narrative voice.</span></b> The narrator of <i>The Goldfinch</i> is a 13-year-old boy named Theo. Well, not really...it's actually an older Theo, looking back on his life from a hotel room in Amsterdam. We have no idea how old he actually is when he's telling the story. He says he is too afraid to "telephone" anyone in Amsterdam, which is <i>not</i> something anyone under 25 would say (probably under 35). This made me think he's an old man now, or at least a middle-aged one.<br />
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Well, that theory worked until the narrator threw in a reference to a Jet Li movie that came out in 2005. This was in a flashback, so the narrator could have been anywhere between, say, 10 and 13 when that incident occurred. This means the narrator is probably in his very early 20s. I've seen reviews that say he's 23 as well as <a href="http://www.themillions.com/2014/01/my-not-so-secret-history.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">27</a>...apparently I'm not the only one having this problem. The other alternative is that he's telling his story from the future, in 2020 or something, thus accounting for the older feel of the narrative voice.<br />
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Some readers won't care. They can just go with it. I can't. Why? Because this narrative voice is <i>old</i>. Antiquated, almost. The sentence structure and word choice are difficult to believe as the product of a 20-something mind, even one who was educated at a posh Upper East Side private school. So either there's a huge disconnect between the <i>voice</i> Tartt chose and the <i>character</i> she chose to embody that voice, or the book isn't supposed to be remotely realistic and we're just supposed to go with it and screw everything else.<br />
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Why does this bother me so much? Because the story starts when Theo is 13, but so few of his thoughts and impressions ring true as those of a 13-year-old boy. The vocabulary and style alone rule that out. The voice is also asexual, which I'm pretty sure isn't a defining characteristic of most 13-year-olds. It's constantly jarring to be reminded that Theo is 13, when the impressions, phrasing, and descriptions he provides are those of a middle-aged man.<br />
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Here are a few examples:<br />
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<i><span style="color: purple;">"...it was upsetting him so."</span></i><br />
Do you know a 13-year-old boy who would talk like this? I don't.<br />
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<i><span style="color: purple;">"...a chill wind of unreason blew over me."</span></i><br />
Again, do you know a 13-year-old boy who talks like this?<br />
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<i><span style="color: purple;">"Everything came alive in her company; she cast a charmed theatrical light."</span></i><br />
Unless we're in a weird reverse Oedipal scenario, I'm not sure most 13-year-old boys would describe their mothers this way.<br />
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<i><span style="color: purple;">"His voice was very faint, very scratchy, very cordial, with a ghastly pulmonary whistle."</span></i><br />
Do you know a 13-year-old who uses the words "ghastly" and "pulmonary" on a regular basis?<br />
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I'm instantly reminded of that moment in <a href="http://www.awesomefilm.com/script/tenthings_transcript.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">10 Things I Hate about You</a> where Michael drops a bit of Shakespearean dialogue ("Sweet love, renew thy force!") and Patrick says, "Hey man, don't say shit like that to me. People can hear you." Teenagers are the ultimate bullshit detectors for language.<br />
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That being the case, why did Tartt need the framing device at the beginning of the book? Why not let us experience Theo's adventures in real time, with the eyes and voice of a <i>real</i> 13-year-old? I'd care more about a boy's trauma if it weren't described in the dry, pontificating voice of some old guy. Plus, to me, it would mean more to show Theo progressing through the life events that help him arrive at the book's ultimate meaning (something about art being the only thing that lasts) than to start the book as Tartt does by telling us, "Hey guys, I'm old and jaded now, but there's a meaning to this story. In 700 pages, I'll tell you what it is. You're cool with that, right?"<br />
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Interestingly, the narrative voice is what the <a href="http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2014/apr/18/book-review-saved-by-a-tiny-painting/?page=all" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Washington Post's Corinna Lothar</a> praised about the book. Here's what she had to say: "Permanently damaged and scarred by the explosion and the death of his mother, the voice of the traumatized youth and the cynical, self-involved adult is ingenuous and startling."<br />
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So far, I disagree. But I'm willing to keep going.<br />
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<b><span style="color: purple;">2. Clunky sentences.</span></b> On a sentence-by-sentence level, I'm having problems. My inner editor wants to cut out words and phrases in nearly every other sentence. Tartt has a Pulitzer. Clearly, she knows an assload more than I do about how to write good fiction. Still...I'm actually cringing at some of these sentences. Here are just a few, all from Chapter 1, Section V:<br />
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<i><span style="color: purple;">"The boys muttered, audibly."</span></i><br />
This made me stop. Does the word "muttering" mean that muttered words are generally <i>in</i>audible, requiring the adverb to clarify that they were? If so, doesn't that mean "muttering" isn't the right word for what the boys are doing? On the other hand, if mutterings <i>are</i> generally audible, why add the redundant adverb? Something's not right here.<br />
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<i><span style="color: purple;">"I had made it over to where he was when--unexpectedly fast--he shot out his dust-whitened arm and grabbed my hand."</span></i><br />
Wouldn't "suddenly" convey the same thing as the clunky "unexpectedly fast"? For that matter, why is clarification even needed? "Shot out" pretty much implies a sharp, quick action. This whole construction is a bit janky.<br />
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<i><span style="color: purple;">"For a moment I wasn't sure; I listened, hard; and then it spieled off again: faint and draggy, a little weird."</span></i><br />
The semicolons. Make them stop. And if the narrator can come up with a verb like "spiel" to describe the motion of a sound, "a little weird" rings false. Either get rid of "spieled" or "a little weird." I'm not buying both of them in the same sentence.<br />
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<i><span style="color: purple;">"Often, in the afternoons, perfume-smelling women with shopping bags dropped by for coffee and tea..."</span></i><br />
Hold up. The way this sentence is constructed, it sounds like the women are professional perfume smellers. If they smelled of perfume, it should have said "women smelling of perfume with shopping bags." I'm so confused. Why is a bad construction like this there? Is this some form of characterization? Or in a book that's more than 700 pages, did no one take the time to fix small things like this?<br />
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There are also an assload of -ly adverbs ("audibly," "unexpectedly," "fretfully," "thickly," limply," "awkwardly," "fearfully," etc.). Giving Tartt the benefit of the doubt, maybe these are meant to convey a lack of sophistication appropriate for a 13-year-old narrator. But then why does the overall tone still feel so old? Like I said, I'm confused. <br />
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<b><span style="color: purple;">3. Drag-ass scenes.</span></b> This is a slow-moving book with zero narrative tension (yet). It's not a spoiler alert to tell you that there's an explosion at the Met that happens while Theo and his mother visit (this happens in the very first chapter). The aftermath of the explosion takes freakin' forever (at least 50 pages). Theo wanders and wanders and wanders and describes bodies and his perambulations through the wreckage like he's getting paid by the word (maybe that's what people mean by saying this novel is Dickensian?). Each time Theo clambers over another piece of wreckage or accidentally touches a body, the description is repetitive to the point of being sleep-inducing. You'd think a scene like this would be tense or fraught with peril. Nope. I understand that this is a literary novel, but so far, if this book were left behind in a time capsule, future generations would think literary novels and page-turners were mutually exclusive. That's a shame, since Tartt's own <i>The Secret History</i> proves that wrong.<br />
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<b><span style="color: purple;">4. Strange editing choices.</span></b> This is nitpicking, I know, I know. This doesn't have an effect on the overall power of the story. It just makes me wonder about the production value when I see the phrase "middle-school kids" (note the hyphenated multi-word adjective) and "non working phone" (note the non-hyphenated multi-word adjective) in the same chapter. This is the curse of being a writer and an editor and a reader. I can't turn off other parts of me when it's time to read for fun. If I saw this in one of my books, I'd fix it. Similarly, internal dialogue is sometimes italicized, sometimes put in quotation marks, and sometimes not. I'm still confused.<br />
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<b><span style="color: purple;">5. General weirdness.</span></b> After the explosion in the museum, Theo sees a dead woman and notes her fake tan. How does he know it's fake? Because she's dead and still has "a healthy apricot glow." Now, this made me stop and go, <i>huh</i>? How does a 13-year-old kid know whether freshly dead bodies (we're talking minutes) lose their natural tan? Do they? Heck, I don't know. Maybe Theo's right and dead people instantly lose any natural tan they have. But that detail felt <i>wrong</i>. It pulled me out of the story and made me want to research what happens to dead people's tans. It made me think of all those episodes of <i>CSI: Miami</i> where they find dead girls on the beach (Were they still tan? Shit, why can't I remember?). I shouldn't be thinking these things. I should be thinking about Theo and wondering what happens to him next. Nope. Furthest thing from my mind.<br />
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Interestingly, there's a huge literary kerfuffle over this book and its literary worthiness. Apparently, you're either a big fan of the book's Dickensian reach and ability to touch the heart (Michiko Kakutani, Stephen King) or you think it's clunky, poorly written, and full of cliches (James Wood, <a href="http://www.nybooks.com/articles/archives/2014/jan/09/after-great-expectations/" target="_blank">Francine Prose</a>, Lorin Stein). You can <a href="http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/2014/07/goldfinch-donna-tartt-literary-criticism" target="_blank">read more about that debate here, in a Vanity Fair article</a>.<br />
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Personally, I don't give a shit about literary merit and whether the book is "serious" enough to deserve all its praise. All I care about is understanding why so many folks like it, and why I'm having such a hard time with it. I'll report back when I'm further through and give a final verdict.Jenni Wiltzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02661050256535845651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6016736003379634401.post-56053339948307962662014-06-07T10:33:00.000-07:002014-06-07T10:33:11.262-07:00How Gossip Girl Helped Me Revise My Plot<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJ8cLHoOmvnfH20tKDTcgrAp_KgwlKnzeWXdAUNsl3h5qq5UwMelMRUKWCDj_2AZHvxualcSMhxNj2nZaA-sEp2X_r9lR-MVLihReV9jw_RNNAuI41UqHiCobMEkVKTzNkIJpUgSpIzbM/s1600/day-may-come-meme.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Meme: "The day may come when I stop watching Gossip Girl. Today is not that day."" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJ8cLHoOmvnfH20tKDTcgrAp_KgwlKnzeWXdAUNsl3h5qq5UwMelMRUKWCDj_2AZHvxualcSMhxNj2nZaA-sEp2X_r9lR-MVLihReV9jw_RNNAuI41UqHiCobMEkVKTzNkIJpUgSpIzbM/s1600/day-may-come-meme.jpg" title="Truth: I'm 36 years old and watching the series for the 3rd time." /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I'm a huge <i>Gossip Girl</i> fan. Deride if you must, but know that George Sand being the writer a character most wants to have dinner with was an actual plot point in Season 2 (episode: "New Haven Can Wait"). There was also a Wharton tribute episode ("The Age of Dissonance"), plus <i>GG</i> gave us a memorable nickname to denigrate hack literary writers: F. Scott Fitzjackass ("The Fasting and the Furious"). Suffice to say, there are a lot more literary Easter eggs in the show than appear at first glance.<br /><br />
What does this have to do with writing tips? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I'm about 70% through the fourth draft of <i>The Red Road</i>. This is the do-or-die batch of revisions, the one where I have to make final decisions about what stays, what goes, and what needs to be added. Drafts 2 and 3 were mostly about cutting my ridiculously verbose paragraphs down to their essence, and losing the overly "literary" tone that appeared every so often. This draft is about plot and subplot arcs, character arcs, and themes. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">The good news: the book has plot and subplot arcs, character arcs, and themes. The bad news: they aren't right yet.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqEkRGOCywJ0yLJQXM2xPvEEnqs5XxE5_y4EXqAqLbdtiLEUWNVfSbo0IXG2JFWJMNyFTW2FImFgVnVvU13lc1qB6WgMyjGR_ndQJ8BzyE50DhRG5bQK8I9pVXV7qynr7AX21cRuulScY/s1600/gosling-gossip-girl.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Meme: "Hey girl, let's stay in tonight. I want to watch Gossip Girl and eat Nilla Wafers with you."" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqEkRGOCywJ0yLJQXM2xPvEEnqs5XxE5_y4EXqAqLbdtiLEUWNVfSbo0IXG2JFWJMNyFTW2FImFgVnVvU13lc1qB6WgMyjGR_ndQJ8BzyE50DhRG5bQK8I9pVXV7qynr7AX21cRuulScY/s1600/gosling-gossip-girl.jpg" height="233" title="Okay, so my husband doesn't say this. But he means it." width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />The other night, I was super frustrated by the amount of work left in front of me. So I did what any frustrated writer would do--poured a glass of wine, turned off the computer, and settled down to re-watch a <i>Gossip Girl</i> episode with the hubby. One of the million reasons why I love my husband is that he tolerates...<i>dare I say shares?</i>...my unholy fascination with <i>Gossip Girl</i>. He routinely uses that "F. Scott Fitzjackass" quote. Anyway, we're currently on season 4, when the Brooklyn team (Jenny, Vanessa, and Juliet) work together to take down Serena.<br /><br />
You don't need to know much about <i>Gossip Girl</i> to understand this particular plot arc. In a nutshell, the "outsider" Brooklyn girls want to </span><span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">ruin Serena, a glamorous rich girl from the Upper East Side. Their plan is simple: one by one, they will strip away everything Serena has that they don't: a devoted best friend, two boys who like her, her academic future at Columbia, and her family's trust.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHADCUVWpBqM1KIilxvqcCxK-ZPr2xyGjKBMzKMWNUubxLr5D-ca10pWIChZYO-axrx7Hx2lupsXxp8trW3JFVKQH95juxV61_pmo7NLT6QJGG3K8B2IDMUR25YyPKdbeg3m1PHROCLhw/s1600/most-interesting-man-gossip-girl.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Meme: "I don't always watch television shows, but when I do, it's Gossip Girl."" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHADCUVWpBqM1KIilxvqcCxK-ZPr2xyGjKBMzKMWNUubxLr5D-ca10pWIChZYO-axrx7Hx2lupsXxp8trW3JFVKQH95juxV61_pmo7NLT6QJGG3K8B2IDMUR25YyPKdbeg3m1PHROCLhw/s1600/most-interesting-man-gossip-girl.jpg" height="320" title="See? This guy gets it." width="255" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">They develop elaborate ruses to strip away each of Serena's support networks, and then go in for the kill: one super-elaborate ruse that is meant to destroy Serena's credibility for all time. The girls map out each takedown and orchestrate them individually. And guess what? It almost works. Serena gets put in the nuthouse and everyone thinks she's a lying, slutty drug addict.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">And then it hit me: <i>The Red Road</i> needs a little <i>Gossip Girl</i> action. One of the main problems I'm having is that I feel the heroine's actions are too abrupt in the third act. I take her from a smart but worried schoolgirl into a revenge-seeking assassin. It doesn't work because she doesn't have enough reason to jeopardize what she has going for her. </span></div>
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I realized I need to get all <i>Gossip Girl</i> on her ass and strip away the things she has one by one:<br /><ul>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;"><b>Best friends</b></span></li>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">In <i>GG</i>, the villain selected Blair for entry to an exclusive on-campus club at Columbia, leaving Serena out in the cold. Blair, who's always had self-esteem issues where Serena is concerned, now feels like the superior one. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">In my book, I need to make sure to isolate the main character by giving her friends what they want, so they have more reason to act selfishly and maintain the status quo than they do to support Emma.</span></li>
</ul>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;"><b>Her academic future</b></span></li>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">In <i>GG</i>, the villain sends an email from Serena's phone, asking one of her professors to trade sex for grades. This is, of course, enough to get her in trouble with the dean, who wants to expel her. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">In my book, I'm adding two new chapters that basically put a black stain on Emma's academic record--enough to make good schools question her suitability as a scholarship recipient. The action she takes is entirely her choice, which means she knows exactly what she's doing, but can't help herself. She'll have a choice, and I need her to make the wrong one.</span></li>
</ul>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;"><b>Her family's trust</b></span></li>
<ul>
<li>In <i>GG</i>, the villain drugs Serena, dresses up exactly like her and takes pictures of herself snorting coke, then dumps Serena in a crappy cross-town motel and basically waits for her to overdose. When Serena wakes up and calls for help, her family thinks she's returned to her old, careless ways that apparently involve doing massive amounts of drugs and generally not giving a crap.</li>
<li>In my book, what would disappoint the family most is Em sabotaging her own future--and acting out. This family values strength and silence in equal measure. So the worst she could do is show weakness, make mistakes, and be vocal about it, forcing the other family members to witness her collapse. This happens after the incident I'm adding that destroys her academic future, in a new chapter or two I'll have to write from scratch.</li>
</ul>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;"><b>The boy who likes her</b></span></li>
<ul><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxF7-Cf3i8QpB3FuJKatNjWLxh-SAurvYYpZg8pfcQNz_DEd96bAyOWAMQ9J8vFAdvUeG-bxjrhe3_Mo-DcJhmiwhC-bUcwsok7o4LCIbgHlt79epHFj-HXw5IwGqOx6n0OrCXmRzAhPQ/s1600/chuck-bass-meme.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Chuck Bass meme: "Sells girlfriend for hotel. Still considered dreamy."" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxF7-Cf3i8QpB3FuJKatNjWLxh-SAurvYYpZg8pfcQNz_DEd96bAyOWAMQ9J8vFAdvUeG-bxjrhe3_Mo-DcJhmiwhC-bUcwsok7o4LCIbgHlt79epHFj-HXw5IwGqOx6n0OrCXmRzAhPQ/s1600/chuck-bass-meme.jpg" height="320" title="Have I mentioned I love Chuck Bass?" width="320" /></a>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">In <i>GG</i>, the villain starts an anonymous rumor that Serena has an embarrassing case of VD. This makes both of the guys who like her consider other options. Once this is proven false, however, the villain has a backup plan. She masquerades as Serena (literally...it's a masquerade ball) and while disguised, kisses both guys. Naturally, there's photographic evidence floating around that turns both guys against Serena.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">In my book, this is the one step I'm not sure I want to take. I kind of want to keep her love interest on her side so she always has a way out...and then I want her to refuse to take it. </span></li>
</ul>
</ul>
Every single one of these <i>Gossip Girl</i> plot points applies to my character...and maybe to yours, too. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">The next time you're looking at your book's lumpy middle and wondering how to stiffen it up, think <i>Gossip Girl</i>. What does your character have that the villain needs to take away? Pick it off in small pieces, and those small pieces will add up to a collective whole that gives your hero plenty of work to do in the story's climax.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">If all else fails, just stream old episodes of your favorite TV show. You never know what will spark an idea for your next plot twist.</span></div>
Jenni Wiltzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02661050256535845651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6016736003379634401.post-77547233162920795592014-04-25T21:29:00.000-07:002014-04-27T11:08:04.946-07:00Book Review: Grave Mercy by Robin LaFevers<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhijrK_R0V2BxXrt3is-n9OUfwkUvp1iCF8yX0B6SIJPGjP1yPltcv-Ei2U3j5yRRK77CmhySHBG1dLebS-N4b9RxKAhC4rVIsj8nWNiKcgZbx896vv15DCo8WQMLaLcOlASpGGIK4lmVw/s1600/grave-mercy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Grave Mercy by Robin LaFevers" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhijrK_R0V2BxXrt3is-n9OUfwkUvp1iCF8yX0B6SIJPGjP1yPltcv-Ei2U3j5yRRK77CmhySHBG1dLebS-N4b9RxKAhC4rVIsj8nWNiKcgZbx896vv15DCo8WQMLaLcOlASpGGIK4lmVw/s1600/grave-mercy.jpg" title="Grave Mercy by Robin LaFevers" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">I don't normally read YA, but the description of this book hooked me instantly: Medieval nuns in Brittany teach young women how to become assassins, all in service of Mortain, the God of Death. I mean, seriously. Nuns teaching girls to use crossbows and poison? I'm there. Let's see if the book lives up to its premise.</span></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-family: inherit;">3 Things I Really Liked</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><span style="color: purple;">1. The setup.</span></b> Let me reiterate...medieval nuns training teenage girls to be assassins? What more do you need, people? This is awesome. And it mostly works. The novel opens with Ismae Rienne, our 17-year-old heroine, on her wedding day. Traded away by her turnip farmer stepfather to a cruel man, Ismae faces a future of abuse, verbal and otherwise. She escapes to the convent of St. Mortain. Mortain is a pagan god of death, still served by the nuns of the convent. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">As it turns out, Ismae is not susceptible to poison because her real father is Mortain himself. Now we start getting into one of the parts of the book I <i>didn't</i> like (#3 in the "dislike" section below), but stay with me for the time being. Anyhoo, the nuns at the convent train Death's handmaidens, as they're called. Each nun imparts a skill: fighting, poisoning, seduction, etc. When the girls have all the training they need, they are sent out into the world to do the abbess's bidding. As setups go, it's golden. Who doesn't want to know what happens to a 17-year-old girl, taught to kill, who's sent out into a medieval world full of bad people? I would kill for this to be my idea, my series. My hat's off to <a href="http://www.robinlafevers.com/" target="_blank">Robin LaFevers</a> on this one.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><span style="color: purple;">2. The setting.</span></b> Medieval Brittany feels real. From the clothes to the food to the locations to the events off the page, it felt like I was there. This must have been a hard line to walk for a YA author. You have readers like me, who, even as a kid, wanted extremely realistic historical settings. Then you have readers who want a little bit of setting, but might get overwhelmed by the vocabulary and the setting if it's too heavy-handed. In a YA, you have to watch out for these things. But the author handled this perfectly. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><span style="color: purple;">3. The supporting characters.</span></b> I can't talk about this without a big <span style="color: #cc0000;">SPOILER ALERT</span>. If you don't want to hear what happens to some of the characters in the end, skip down to the next section. The main character, Ismae, is fine. I didn't love her. I didn't hate her. She was a vehicle, and that's fine. Same goes for the love interest, Gavriel Duval (I keep wanting to call him "<a href="http://www.duvel.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Duvel</a>," after the excellent Belgian beer). I only watched the first couple episodes of <a href="http://www.cwtv.com/shows/reign" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Reign</a>, but Ismae and Duval remind me of Mary and Francis. They get the job done, but you're probably not going to "ship" them the way you do <a href="http://www.wetpaint.com/gossip-girl/articles/chuck-and-blair-chairish-one-of-gossip-girls-greatest-romances" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Chuck and Blair</a>, Dean and Castiel, or even Elena and Damon. There's not enough electricity there. They start out disliking each other and at cross-purposes, then they realize that's not the case and end up falling for each other. Big surprise. They don't do it with the magnetism of Chuck and Blair, the endearing awkwardness of Dean and Castiel (okay, these two don't actually fall for each other</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333366; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; orphans: auto; text-align: -webkit-center; widows: auto;">—</span><span style="font-family: inherit;">they just become reluctant friends), or the smoldering intensity of Elena and Damon. They're vanilla. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">But the book shines in its secondary characters. Sybella, one of the other girls at the convent, gets sent away on a mission before Ismae. She's borderline crazy, and grabbed my attention more than Ismae did. That's with a maximum of a few chapters, as compared to Ismae's 560 pages. The hero's mother, Hivern, is your standard bitchy mother-in-law type...until she isn't, in one amazing scene where she reveals what she's been fighting for the whole time, and what it cost her. Suddenly, you don't want anything bad to happen to her. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">The hero's best friends, Beast and De Lornay, make you weep for the knights cut down at Agincourt, because you know they were all just like those two. They're playful, protective, brave, charming, and likable...and they don't get much face time, either. Still, and here's a big <span style="color: #990000;">SPOILER</span>, when you realize they don't make it out of the final battle, you're feeling like shit about it. Because they're good people, and they believe in something, and they should be rewarded. They aren't, not in their world, and the fact that I gave a crap tells me how skillfully the author built these characters.</span></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-family: inherit;">6 Things I Didn't Like</span></b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgANMn1DE5zGzFxV6bvVYgiqp43YIMk8RhJXW9Tf92uBf-oEPHqNEh2w5CoNqCdjwEvH-egfpts7JEflC7LgRwwmqi92N5OMnK_sr2VaCKY-c1q9OsFWDGK-6y_6ppmYdjpvet4EZWPPyg/s1600/past-tense.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="What do we want? Past tense. When do we want it? Now." border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgANMn1DE5zGzFxV6bvVYgiqp43YIMk8RhJXW9Tf92uBf-oEPHqNEh2w5CoNqCdjwEvH-egfpts7JEflC7LgRwwmqi92N5OMnK_sr2VaCKY-c1q9OsFWDGK-6y_6ppmYdjpvet4EZWPPyg/s1600/past-tense.jpg" height="213" title="What do we want? Past tense. When do we want it? Now." width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><span style="color: purple;">1. It's told in present tense.</span></b> Oh, for the love of all that's holy, when will people stop writing books in present tense? It's awkward as hell, and if you're writing a historical novel, PEOPLE ALREADY KNOW THIS HAPPENED A LONG TIME AGO. YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE. Think third-person past-tense historical fiction can't grab the reader? Ever heard of a book called <i>Gone with the Wind</i>? Present tense works for a short story because it creates a rhythm that's alluring. At 550+ pages, this isn't a short story. Present tense is far too limiting</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333366; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; orphans: auto; text-align: -webkit-center; widows: auto;">—</span><span style="font-family: inherit;">and grating</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333366; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; orphans: auto; text-align: -webkit-center; widows: auto;">—</span><span style="font-family: inherit;">to hang your whole book on, let alone your whole series. It's trendy and overdone, like those bedazzled pockets on Miss Me jeans.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><span style="color: purple;">2. The rushed romance.</span></b> For a book that takes 500+ pages to reach the climax, things sure wrap up in a hurry. Ismae and Duval spend the entire book moving gradually from mistrust to awkward cooperation to trust to physical attraction. And then, it's true love. <i>Bam.</i> Based on how slowly the rest of the romance moved, it's just not believable that their love is suddenly earth-shaking. The foundation is there, but not the frame. This is a big problem because what happens next (see next item) means you really have to believe in their love story.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><span style="color: purple;">3. The silly climax to the rushed romance.</span></b> So...yeah. If you don't want to know how the book ends, skip to the next point. Consider yourself warned by a <span style="color: #990000;">SPOILER ALERT</span>. In the end of the book, the villain poisons Duval. This is believable. Then Ismae saves him by having sex with him. This is not. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>WTF breakdown:</i> Remember how Ismae is immune to poison? Well, she kisses him and he gets a little better. Once she figures this out, she hi-tails it back to the palace, finds him mostly dead, and they have sex in a secret passageway. He recovers just about instantly. So, apparently she's more than immune...she's an antidote, too. This is borderline ridiculous. Why go through all the bother of turning a medieval girl</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333366; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; orphans: auto; text-align: -webkit-center; widows: auto;">—</span><span style="font-family: inherit;">a creature virtually powerless in that society</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333366; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; orphans: auto; text-align: -webkit-center; widows: auto;">—</span><span style="font-family: inherit;">into a killing machine, and then have sex be her redeeming feature? I get that it was her choice, I get that she was in love...but it's a big let-down in terms of the potential empowerment theme this book could have conveyed. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiw8IMyg_ho0uEiPYQqRqvrbU0yrvqTa30Uso797wtzoX87wf9Gj3cyIBcR16xOJxw3RjYIZ_rt3M9BTDRn9TFyF9dwgThGpXCzdhyphenhyphenwe572tm21Xy1DUP0iAXON_vPBgESJlTAoX9CS8ow/s1600/henryviiimeme.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Henry VIII meme: Creates new church just to get divorce / kills new wife anyway" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiw8IMyg_ho0uEiPYQqRqvrbU0yrvqTa30Uso797wtzoX87wf9Gj3cyIBcR16xOJxw3RjYIZ_rt3M9BTDRn9TFyF9dwgThGpXCzdhyphenhyphenwe572tm21Xy1DUP0iAXON_vPBgESJlTAoX9CS8ow/s1600/henryviiimeme.png" height="320" title="Henry VIII meme" width="267" /></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><span style="color: purple;">4. The lack of explanation supporting the book's supernatural elements.</span></b> This is one of the biggest problems I had with the book. I love genre mash-ups</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333366; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; orphans: auto; text-align: -webkit-center; widows: auto;">—</span><span style="font-family: inherit;">I've written a <a href="http://www.amazon.com/A-Vampire-in-Versailles-ebook/dp/B005AQ49TW" target="_blank">historical/paranormal romance mash-up</a>. But the weird supernatural elements in this world are never explained satisfactorily. For instance, let's start with the fact that Death himself is Ismae's father. I don't mean spiritual father, or metaphorical father. We're talking biological father here. </span><span style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">So...does this mean the old gods are real and Christianity is false? Or is Mortain Satan? The medieval world was highly polarized in terms of religion: You were a heretic or you were a believer. You had the burning of the Cathars and the Spanish Inquisition...obviously there were grave consequences for any deviation from orthodoxy. And then you have this convent, which defies orthodoxy and no one thinks it's weird. In fact, outsiders don't question it at all. I find this extremely odd for a book that is otherwise so firmly grounded in the nitty-gritty details of court life and politics. Not one person thinks being a pagan is weird, which I just don't buy. I mean, it's the fifteenth century. In about 100 years, Henry VIII will have to create an entirely new religious denomination to marry Anne Boleyn. Anne's stepdaughter will burn Protestants at the stake. As you can see, the supernatural element here creates more problems than it solves.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">What makes it worse is that the story could easily have been told without any of the supernatural features that cloud the plot. Say you have an order of nuns who are famous for taking in girls who have been beaten or otherwise abused. The nuns teach them to defend themselves, using weapons and poison. They teach them the art of seduction so they always have control. Legit, right? Then the nuns deploy the girls on missions that help preserve the good folk of Brittany, including its young duchess. You could even have the nuns worship the old gods. But bringing the magic element without any feasible grounding is disorienting and gratuitous.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><span style="color: purple;">5. The strange combination of modern language and historical elements.</span></b> So, the setting is great. We're rocking crossbows and porridge, and then Ismae says, "I'm starving." Say what? A lot of the book's dialogue feels modern. Since this is a YA, I see why the author did it. She's trying to appeal to modern readers, and unstuffy dialogue can really help with this. I get it, but I don't like it. This is another one of those hard lines to walk, the one she did so well with when it came to the setting. But the dialogue really drops the ball. You get words like "poleaxed" and "methinks" and then you get dialogue that sounds like it comes from an episode of <i>Scandal</i>. It's jarring. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><span style="color: purple;">6. The extra 100-150 pages the book is carrying like dead weight.</span></b> This book could have been edited quite a bit without losing any of its spice. Things drag on for a loooooong time in the castle. Ismae doesn't even assassinate that many people. She mostly skulks through hallways and hides when people are coming. The slow-burn romance with Duval could have been accelerated to make the ending more believable. The bloated middle of the book is mostly about the political machinations surrounding the throne of Brittany. Who will the duchess marry...a French suitor, a Breton noble, or someone else entirely? The problem is this this particular problem <i>isn't</i> the book's central conflict. It's a plot device. It's entertaining, but if you removed it from the plot, absolutely nothing about the ending would change. Nothing. That's a problem. If you look at the <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Grave-Mercy-Fair-Assassin-Trilogy/product-reviews/054762834X/ref=cm_cr_pr_btm_link_next_2?ie=UTF8&pageNumber=2&showViewpoints=0&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Amazon reviews for this book</a>, a LOT of people complain about the length and the amount of time spent on Breton politics. I <i>like</i> the politics, but I don't like it when subplots don't really affect the main plot. Trim the fat, or turn the fat into muscle with some revision. Easier said than done, I know. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Obviously, I'm better at complaining than I am at praising. Despite the length of my "didn't like" points, I liked the book overall. In fact, I'll probably read the sequel, especially since it features Sybella (one of the really intriguing minor characters). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">It's rare to find a book with such a laser-focus on medieval politics written for a general audience, let alone a YA audience. I recommend it...with the caveats listed above.</span></div>
Jenni Wiltzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02661050256535845651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6016736003379634401.post-74559831489634370842014-04-18T20:26:00.000-07:002014-04-21T10:38:20.207-07:0014 Examples and 2,300 Words on How to Sharpen Your Sentences<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
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I just finished the third draft of a book that’s going to take at least five drafts to finish. The biggest problem until now was sheer word bloat. I knew I couldn’t make the additions the book needs until I made a buttload of subtractions. Imagine trying to evaluate the health of a garden when it’s so full of weeds and overgrown shrubbery you can’t see a single stalk or bloom. All you know is there’s an awful lot of green shit underfoot.<br />
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To hack away at that green shit, I focused on sentence-level editing. This meant fixing (or deleting) things like:<br />
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<li>Sentences that use imprecise verbs or descriptions</li>
<li>Sentences that convey the same information in two different ways</li>
<li>Bloated sentences with filler words like “just,” “only,” “that,” etc.</li>
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This is no small task. And a lot of writers never do it.<br />
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These days, a popular piece of advice for self-published writers is to PUBLISH AS MUCH AS YOU CAN, LIKE, A MILLION WORDS A YEAR AND IF YOU DON’T NO ONE WILL EVER DISCOVER YOUR WORK LET ALONE BUY IT AND YOU’LL NEVER MAKE A DIME AND THIS IS THE ONLY WAY TO PROVE YOU’RE REALLY COMMITTED.<br />
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This strategy might work for some people, but I’m not one of them. For starters, I don’t see how it’s possible to publish that quantity of words that have been edited and polished to perfection. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D9tAKLTktY0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">As Miracle Max said in <i>The Princess Bride</i></a>, “You rush a miracle man, you get a rotten miracle.”<br />
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I’ve written before about <a href="http://jenniwiltz.blogspot.com/2013/06/writer-edit-thyself-why-you-shouldnt.html" target="_blank">the difference between storytelling and writing</a>. I suspect that million-word publishers are storytellers more than writers. That’s fantastic for them, but I can’t do it. I can’t send a book out into the world without having analyzed every word of every sentence to make sure it earned its place.<br />
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And by “analyzed,” I don’t mean re-reading it, thinking it makes sense, and moving on. Or sending it to an editor for approval and sighing with relief when that sentence doesn’t come back with a red mark. <br />
I mean analyzing the combination of words and punctuation to make sure the sentence is sharp, crisp, and effective. I mean owning every damn word. I mean seeing a passable but weak sentence become strong enough to punch the reader in the face.<br />
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Making that happen almost always involves deleting words rather than adding them.<br />
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To show you how, I’m sharing 14 examples of my sentence-level editing from this third draft. These sentences might still get cut or revised again. Are they works of art? Nope. But do they illustrate my point? Damn skippy.<br />
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<i>Production Note: If the thought of deleting your original sentences makes you nervous, save each draft as a new document. That way, you can always refer back to the previous draft if you start feeling like you’re losing too much of the story’s original flavor. Alternatively, you can work in your original file and paste all your deleted or altered sentences into a text file. This is what I do. I like having one main file to work in, but if I have a suspicion I’ve over-pruned, I can go back into the text file and browse through the sentences that didn’t make the cut. I’ve never re-inserted a sentence I’ve cut.</i><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4XUMKJ_VCq1dx0Y68TAuZTDvFXc5ysqLIbRCoIu2d_RlcFQu94M1K_5SQMK8jIrL5kYx4uhJze8e7e3CGb-T__gdCcEbtCp82TPBr-n4giulcCIgL4U2B55RXBFa5Fc-ogCcVER1inlA/s1600/editors-start-engines.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Sentence-Level Editing: Editors, Start Your Engines!" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4XUMKJ_VCq1dx0Y68TAuZTDvFXc5ysqLIbRCoIu2d_RlcFQu94M1K_5SQMK8jIrL5kYx4uhJze8e7e3CGb-T__gdCcEbtCp82TPBr-n4giulcCIgL4U2B55RXBFa5Fc-ogCcVER1inlA/s1600/editors-start-engines.jpg" height="161" title="Sentence-Level Editing: Editors, Start Your Engines!" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: purple;">1.</span><br />
<b>Original:</b> Mrs. Evans was supposed to give them their Gatsby papers back today.<br />
<b>Revised:</b> Mrs. Evans was supposed to return their Gatsby papers today.<br />
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This is a great example of imprecision. Sure, you could say “give them back.” But why would you do that when the word “return” means the same thing, and gets the job done in fewer words?<br />
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<span style="color: purple;">2.</span><br />
<b>Original:</b> The small things she’d worried about—quizzes and tests and papers—seemed like crumbs beneath a table now.<br />
<b>Revised:</b> Quizzes and tests and papers were crumbs beneath a table now.<br />
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The shorter, punchier sentence conveys more urgency, which is appropriate for the character at that time. “Were” is also more decisive than “seemed like.”<br />
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<span style="color: purple;">3.</span><br />
<b>Original:</b> Two weeks ago, she would have sat here and gotten angry about the dirt and grime on the floor, or the flickering hallway lights, or any of the million things wrong with the school that her parents’ tax dollars should have fixed.<br />
<b>Revised:</b> Two weeks ago, she would have been angry about the grime on the floor, the flickering hallway lights, and the million other things her parents’ tax dollars should have fixed.<br />
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For the love of God, trim the fat: <span style="color: purple;">(1)</span> Does it matter that Emma would have <i>sat</i> while getting angry? No. The <i>angry</i> is the important part, not the <i>sat</i>. Get rid of it. <span style="color: purple;">(2)</span> Also, what’s the difference between <i>dirt</i> and <i>grime</i>? If there’s a difference, is it important? No. Get rid of it. <span style="color: purple;">(3)</span> Notice how I used “or” multiple times in the list of things wrong? It’s called “polysyndeton,” and while it creates rhythm and emphasis, the benefits don’t outweigh the bloat in this case. Get rid of it. <span style="color: purple;">(4)</span> Why am I using “or” in the first place? If anger is the point, why not have Emma be mad at <i>all</i> these things instead of just <i>one</i>, which is what’s indicated by “or”? Geez Louise. <span style="color: purple;">(5)</span> Emma could be mad at “any of the million things.” But “million” is used for emphasis, so why dilute it with “any of the”? Just say there are a million things wrong. Seriously. <span style="color: purple;">(6)</span> This scene takes place in Emma’s school. So it’s obvious in context that the dirty hallway and flickering lights are at that location. No need to re-reference “school.”<br />
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<span style="color: purple;">4.</span><br />
<b>Original:</b> Up close, she could see the green of his eyes was more olive than emerald, close to his skin tone, and fringed with a blanket of lashes thicker than hers.<br />
<b>Revision:</b> Up close, his eyes were more olive than emerald, fringed with a blanket of lashes thicker than hers.<br />
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What a terrible fucking sentence. It’s like I got paid by the word or something. Let’s unpack this: <span style="color: purple;">(1)</span> “She could see” is meaningless. In the scene, Emma is looking at Dan, her love interest. Of course she could see him. She’s not blind. <span style="color: purple;">(2)</span> Since I’m using “olive” and “emerald,” it’s pretty clear green is the color I mean. No need to use “green” before either of those more specific descriptors. <span style="color: purple;">(3)</span> Why mention his olive skin tone in this sentence? Let’s keep the emphasis on the eyes, and move the skin tone thing into an earlier scene. Plus, it repeats the word “close” already used in the sentence opening.<br />
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<span style="color: purple;">5.</span><br />
<b>Original:</b> Mrs. Evans strode to the front of the class with a thick stack of papers in her hand.<br />
<b>Revision:</b> Mrs. Evans strode to the front of the class with a stack of papers in hand.<br />
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This one’s relatively minor, but still deserves attention. It’s already been established that the class is getting their Gatsby papers back. Is it likely her stack would be thin? “Thick” is redundant based on the situation. “Her hand” is also redundant, unless Mrs. Evans is using someone else’s hand to carry the papers. <br />
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<span style="color: purple;">6.</span><br />
<b>Original:</b> She did not curve the “j,” but wrote it as a long, solid line with a dot on top.<br />
<b>Revision:</b> She drew the “j” as a long, solid line with a dot on top.<br />
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First off, if Emma <i>didn’t</i> do something, why am I wasting the reader’s time with that? Get it the hell out of there. Secondly, while “wrote” is an accurate verb, there’s obviously some artistic effect Emma is paying attention to. “Draw” conveys that better than “wrote.” Now that I look at this again, I’d probably take out “long,” too. If the “j” was drawn short, that might be worthy of note. But a “long”-drawn j? Seems normal, and thus unworthy of note.<br />
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<span style="color: purple;">7.</span><br />
<b>Original:</b> She crossed it out, jiggling her pen in scribbles through the childish, malformed letters.<br />
<b>Revision:</b> She scribbled through the childish, malformed letters. <br />
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I have a really bad habit of doing this! See how “she crossed it out” is redundant based on what comes afterward? Is there any way that jiggling your pen in scribbles over something could <i>not</i> be considered crossing it out? Probably not, and definitely not in this context. So why the eff did I write it twice? So lame. Secondly, why did I say “jiggling” and “scribbles”? One verb can convey all of that—so just stick with “scribbled.”<br />
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<span style="color: purple;">8.</span><br />
<b>Original:</b> Elvira was already waiting for her at the entrance of the locker room.<br />
<b>Revision:</b> Elvira was already waiting at the locker room entrance.<br />
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This is another minor edit, but one that needs to be made. Since Elvira is Emma’s badminton partner (and it’s already been established that Elvira waits for her before heading into the gym), “for her” is unnecessary. Who else would Elvira wait for? Also, why be all complicated with “entrance of the locker room”? I can save two whole words by saying “locker room entrance” instead. Bam.<br />
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<span style="color: purple;">9.</span><br />
<b>Original:</b> Dan knew everything, and he was the only one whose opinion she wanted.<br />
<b>Revision:</b> Dan knew everything about her situation, and his was the only opinion she wanted.<br />
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This is the rare sentence that got longer after a revision, and I’ll explain why. In the first version, you could interpret it to mean that Dan is the smartest guy in the world who literally knows everything and makes Stephen Hawking look like Lenny from <i>Of Mice and Men</i>. That’s not how Emma means it. She means he’s the only one she’s told everything to, which calls for some more specificity—hence “about her situation.” Secondly, the end of the first sentence is a fustercluck. What was I thinking? If opinions are the subject of the clause, keep them that way.<br />
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<span style="color: purple;">10.</span><br />
<b>Original:</b> Witch soup started in a big yellow bucket that had originally been loaded with sand tools.<br />
<b>Revision:</b> Witch soup started in a big yellow bucket, originally loaded with sand tools.<br />
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This is another common mistake I make. “Had been” is a complicated verb pairing. It drags down the speed of a sentence, although it can be far more accurate than “was” if you really need to specify time in the past. In this case, though, it’s not necessary to use a verb at all. Adding the comma and shortening the description preserves the meaning of the sentence and makes it easier to read and comprehend.<br />
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<span style="color: purple;">11.</span><br />
<b>Original:</b> Emma picked up her backpack and went back into the courtyard.<br />
<b>Revision:</b> Emma picked up her backpack and returned to the courtyard.<br />
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Remember the first example, when shortening a sentence and adding clarity was accomplished by swapping out a phrase for a word? Keep an eye out for pointlessly wordy descriptors like this. They happen a lot (to me, at least).<br />
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<span style="color: purple;">12.</span><br />
<b>Original:</b> Maybe the act of thinking about something over and over again made it seem possible, even if it wasn’t.<br />
<b>Revision:</b> Maybe the act of thinking something over and over again made it seem possible, even if it wasn’t.<br />
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This is probably the nitpickiest sentence of the bunch! Still, if you’re using words and phrases, you have to prove you understand what they mean. You’re a <i>writer</i>. It’s your <i>job</i>. If the word “over” in this context means “once more” and I use it twice, “again” is redundant. There’s no way for something <i>not</i> to happen again if it happens over and over.<br />
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<span style="color: purple;">13.</span><br />
<b>Original:</b> If she didn’t go to college, if something happened that made it impossible, what would she be missing?<br />
<b>Revision:</b> If she didn’t go to college, if something happened that made it impossible, what would she miss?<br />
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This is a two-pronged attack on passivity: <span style="color: purple;">(1)</span> If I use the verb “to make,” it means something happens. That’s implied in the verb itself. You can’t “make” something without causing something to happen. So I don’t need to specify that something “happened” to “make” it impossible. It’s redundant. <span style="color: purple;">(2)</span> “Be missing” contains two verbs. Two. Seriously? Isn’t there a way to convey this with one damn verb? Of course there is. I just had to find it. “Miss” instead of “be missing” is sharper and more direct.<br />
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<span style="color: purple;">14.</span><br />
<b>Original:</b> When her mom picked her up, she was the first one to speak.<br />
<b>Revision:</b> When her mom picked her up, she was the first to speak.<br />
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This is an interesting example, and one that brings a stylistic choice into the matter more than the other examples above. For starters, let’s look at what got axed: the word “one.” It’s totally unnecessary. It modifies Emma and her mother, but it doesn’t matter whether Emma and her mom are humans or aliens—the point is that Emma spoke first. Now, you might be wondering why I didn’t just say that: “…Emma spoke first.” It’s shorter and punchier, which I mentioned above as being desirable. What can I say? I like the symmetry of the longer form. Six words before the comma, six words after. I like the emphasis on the word “she.” There’s a rhythm to the sentence that gets lost if I go with “Emma spoke first.” I like the rhythm. It’s gonna get ya. So that’s what I’m choosing here. <br />
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See how much fun that was? That’s what being a writer is all about. Making choices. Give yourself the opportunity to make them.<br />
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Handing your first draft off to an editor (or worse, publishing it) robs you of the chance to make these kinds of choices. Get up in there. Make your words tremble at the thought of being chopped into pieces. Whip them into shape. If, like me, you are the furthest thing from assertive in real life, this is your chance to go full dominatrix. Enjoy it.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTeOQbfyVB2COtzuN4BBK216LvoQHwoCIsF7lVRt1gKBueeu3iucq3Q46XuTpIcdVuim7hEFXeOB7Knus40cp6r46SBKvCJjRTNT4kFELunL3feoYdjM8PLVW5wG2ORnPMNHgZX-5OADA/s1600/revel.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Writers: Revel in the Choices You Make." border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTeOQbfyVB2COtzuN4BBK216LvoQHwoCIsF7lVRt1gKBueeu3iucq3Q46XuTpIcdVuim7hEFXeOB7Knus40cp6r46SBKvCJjRTNT4kFELunL3feoYdjM8PLVW5wG2ORnPMNHgZX-5OADA/s1600/revel.jpg" height="161" title="Writers: Revel in the Choices You Make." width="400" /></a></div>
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Jenni Wiltzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02661050256535845651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6016736003379634401.post-1764295862037400422014-03-29T18:53:00.000-07:002014-03-29T18:53:40.848-07:00Creative Image Creation Roundup, Part 3: The Mules<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVA73akgc34QDJiikiW7wwF28hKxIWt90tHMq-4FQLJmlJ6eio9MAFMh68137w2Vo_rizmquwNTDZwmxuk4Nn0XuGe2dI_UDaScPa8JBfiUMWT9PoHj9-oXpFcCztEmlAjpLaUec1lKSY/s1600/VIV-3D.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Creative Image Creation Roundup, Part 3" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVA73akgc34QDJiikiW7wwF28hKxIWt90tHMq-4FQLJmlJ6eio9MAFMh68137w2Vo_rizmquwNTDZwmxuk4Nn0XuGe2dI_UDaScPa8JBfiUMWT9PoHj9-oXpFcCztEmlAjpLaUec1lKSY/s1600/VIV-3D.png" title="Creative Image Creation Roundup, Part 3" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I made this nifty 3D book cover image using <br />
GIMP and Clipping Magic, one of the tools below.</td></tr>
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This is Part 3 and the final installment of my series on creative image creation ideas. <a href="http://jenniwiltz.blogspot.com/2014/02/creative-image-creation-roundup-part-1.html" target="_blank">Part 1 covered free online photo editing options</a>. <a href="http://jenniwiltz.blogspot.com/2014/03/creative-image-creation-roundup-part-2.html" target="_blank">Part 2 covered similar tools that were a bit more specialized</a>. In this part, I'm talking about the least glamorous batch in the bunch. They do things like resize your images, remove backgrounds, or add clickable HTML to them. These tools aren't always pretty and they don't have a lot of bells and whistles, but boy, are you glad when they're there to haul the shit you don't have time or strength for. </div>
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<b style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">34. <a href="http://www.iconarchive.com/" target="_blank">IconArchive</a></span></b></div>
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Let this fact sink in: <i>there are almost half a million icons available on this site</i>. Let's say you want to make a rating system for your book reviews. Well, you could come here and download icons that represent book elements. I actually found a bloody knife icon that could represent "murder," for example. There's all kinds of stuff you could do with these. If you search "social," you'll find a crap-ton of customized social icons, should you want to embed them on your website. I found all-pink social icons, for example. Don't worry, I won't use them. <i>Or will I...</i><br />
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The other cool thing here is that you can download each one as an "ico," which is what you need in order to use it as your site's favicon. How kick-ass is that?</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> No</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiH3q59mu7HaxqO_7G0DC1cz926vo5FgekEuv2dJjY8R0q34OLrYylyb0m8ifUA4ovUsSZI3OYc5MMNlVy26y3p7c7RXlN4beIcNLPHY9k06CUHgOCXHaALUDtIs5WEuA-XtvOdiecOrjY/s1600/iconarchive.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Creative Image Creation Roundup: IconArchive" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiH3q59mu7HaxqO_7G0DC1cz926vo5FgekEuv2dJjY8R0q34OLrYylyb0m8ifUA4ovUsSZI3OYc5MMNlVy26y3p7c7RXlN4beIcNLPHY9k06CUHgOCXHaALUDtIs5WEuA-XtvOdiecOrjY/s1600/iconarchive.jpg" height="217" title="Creative Image Creation Roundup: IconArchive" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pimp out your site with new social media icons.<br />
Select "Social Network Icons" from the "Categories" menu.</td></tr>
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<b style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">35. </span></b><span style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><b><a href="http://www.internetmarketingninjas.com/seo-tools/favicon-generator-crop-images/" target="_blank">Social Image Resizer Tool by Internet Marketing Ninjas</a></b></span></div>
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<span style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">Upload your image and easily resize it for a variety of custom outputs for FB, Twitter, G+, etc. If you're sick as shit of seeing Facebook posts in your feed where the images don't show up in their entirety, that's because the poster didn't size the image correctly before posting. Use this tool in combination with a <a href="https://www.mediabistro.com/alltwitter/social-media-image-sizes_b53986" target="_blank">current social media sizing cheat sheet</a> and you can avoid that social shame. For example, did you know that Facebook fan page post images should be no more than 403 x 403 to display fully in your fans' feeds? This tool lets you select a custom size, or select from handy pre-sets including Facebook cover photo, Twitter header, G+ cover photo, favicon, and more. </span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> No</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimYg_FKom6s-YdXbLegi8SjJYB7U5QXMuS6V9a1IdeK1jrB07mp9lKVsk4kQEdruxB09NLTjTdFyqCY_DBLl50lfqXH7-MutrsdGCbrkBlF8fp9zLWqaIfuZE5SP6cPr9tSurp9NU7F30/s1600/imj-social-image-resizer-tool.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Creative Image Creation Roundup: Image Resizer by Internet Marketing Ninjas" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimYg_FKom6s-YdXbLegi8SjJYB7U5QXMuS6V9a1IdeK1jrB07mp9lKVsk4kQEdruxB09NLTjTdFyqCY_DBLl50lfqXH7-MutrsdGCbrkBlF8fp9zLWqaIfuZE5SP6cPr9tSurp9NU7F30/s1600/imj-social-image-resizer-tool.jpg" height="162" title="Creative Image Creation Roundup: Image Resizer by Internet Marketing Ninjas" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">If you're at all interested in SEO or internet marketing, these guys know their shit.</td></tr>
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<b style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">36. </span></b><span style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><b><a href="http://www.irfanview.com/" target="_blank">Irfanview</a></b></span></div>
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This freeware tool does a little bit of everything. It can do screen captures, add text to an image, sharpen, blur, cut, crop, change color depth, or convert an image between filetypes. In fact, it probably belongs in Part 1 of this series. The only reason I didn't include it there is because you have to download the tool and store it on your hard drive. It's not something you can choose to use on the fly, which is the emphasis for this series. The good news? It's entirely free for non-commercial use, which is also a focus of this series. There are also a boatload of plugins that you can download either all together, in 4 packs, or at the individual links provided. </div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> No, but you have to download the program in entirety</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOP9qA8nPvIxx_eGljklrp31CO_onDpZ-P9cu0HXzL_Z2FQFopbveuZtxJeNlFlRWJ8ENMecVMa_Y0mOiuCPXDWXrM9TDcRJ-kUBd2O4FwP4PGkDTEB9uyRUT8trCZhqTqRfl-OZEqnNk/s1600/irfanview.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Creative Image Creation Ideas: Irfanview" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOP9qA8nPvIxx_eGljklrp31CO_onDpZ-P9cu0HXzL_Z2FQFopbveuZtxJeNlFlRWJ8ENMecVMa_Y0mOiuCPXDWXrM9TDcRJ-kUBd2O4FwP4PGkDTEB9uyRUT8trCZhqTqRfl-OZEqnNk/s1600/irfanview.jpg" height="203" title="Creative Image Creation Ideas: Irfanview" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Don't let the old-school interface fool you. Irfanview is a powerful program, <br />
powered by a really smart guy named Irfan. No joke.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<b style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">37. </span></b><span style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><b><a href="http://imageresizer.codeplex.com/" target="_blank">Windows Image Resizer</a></b></span></div>
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If you use Windows, this tool is a total time-saver. If you're like me, you download an image, then open it in Paint or GIMP to resize it before attaching it to a social media post. Now you don't have to. This program lets you resize directly from Windows Explorer when you right click. You can choose standard sizes (small, medium, large, or mobile), or enter a custom width and height.</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> </span><span style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">No, but you have to download the program in entirety</span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3o9UhgBQwx3QpwWdCcD3dAXTIAoWHmqBvDQRV1fShjZBZy0Wul9SseWodh6eiFbOLobc6Y0JPsBwNcOYnscylUSS9AamMWR0OAKOgk34PQ8Rx3_KrUSSFfttv7AjGJopoT7ykqW7umJI/s1600/windows-image-resizer.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Creative Image Creation Ideas: Windows Image Resizer" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3o9UhgBQwx3QpwWdCcD3dAXTIAoWHmqBvDQRV1fShjZBZy0Wul9SseWodh6eiFbOLobc6Y0JPsBwNcOYnscylUSS9AamMWR0OAKOgk34PQ8Rx3_KrUSSFfttv7AjGJopoT7ykqW7umJI/s1600/windows-image-resizer.jpg" height="180" title="Creative Image Creation Ideas: Windows Image Resizer" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">If you hate having to open Paint just to size an image <br />
for sharing on Facebook, this is the tool for you.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">38. </span></b><span style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><b><a href="http://www.picresize.com/" target="_blank">Pic Resize</a></b></span></div>
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This is a fast, easy way to upload a picture and resize, rotate, crop, or add filters. There's also a bookmarklet that you can add to Chrome, Firefox, or Safari to make it even faster to use. If you're browsing public domain photo galleries, this bookmarklet makes it a freakin' snap to load the photo straight into PicResize without having to save it first.</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> No</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigaLDA04ePPY9A37kfhDPmbQ4fjiaiTlodc5VH_BghcnaDMuIgyqlcMxYcEebxBzIPbWj2ZJX1q69p5AmpA5wSIiIiQEwkW8vUnO61vQPf8xmHvUg6PfClk_2LcOGhyphenhyphenTxIP2eGU1VsTHQ/s1600/pic-resize.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Creative Image Creation Ideas: Pic Resize" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigaLDA04ePPY9A37kfhDPmbQ4fjiaiTlodc5VH_BghcnaDMuIgyqlcMxYcEebxBzIPbWj2ZJX1q69p5AmpA5wSIiIiQEwkW8vUnO61vQPf8xmHvUg6PfClk_2LcOGhyphenhyphenTxIP2eGU1VsTHQ/s1600/pic-resize.jpg" height="157" title="Creative Image Creation Ideas: Pic Resize" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">No muss, no fuss. Pic Resize is designed to be fast and easy to use.</td></tr>
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<b style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">39. </span><a href="http://resize.it/" target="_blank">Resize.It</a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></b></div>
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<div>
Another fast, easy way to upload a picture and resize, crop, blur, sharpen, or make a few more basic tweaks without having to own or use photo editing software. To resize, just select "portrait photo" or "landscape photo." You can also turn an image into an avatar.</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> No</span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvB23CFweVhyphenhyphennnHYTvtk-Xo5mVBO8fJXYF_pa8ABTDvypNkjgWRCahQNXwlPH3JZuuj9PRKAkN6AA7eIdRyU-StdX2KXDgb4KP9uUkcFi9sclcJ-A0GpIg2pyl9GiYn0ZLpUztehgeDYY/s1600/resize.it.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Creative Image Creation: Resize.It" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvB23CFweVhyphenhyphennnHYTvtk-Xo5mVBO8fJXYF_pa8ABTDvypNkjgWRCahQNXwlPH3JZuuj9PRKAkN6AA7eIdRyU-StdX2KXDgb4KP9uUkcFi9sclcJ-A0GpIg2pyl9GiYn0ZLpUztehgeDYY/s1600/resize.it.jpg" height="125" title="Creative Image Creation: Resize.It" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Simple, easy to use...and I love the Swiss Army Knife graphic on the right.</td></tr>
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<b><span style="font-family: inherit;">40. </span></b><span style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><b><a href="http://timelineslicer.com/" target="_blank">TimelineSlicer</a></b></span></div>
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You know how some people have a nifty Facebook profile photo that looks like it's part of their cover? And you see it, and you're like, <i>whoa, how the hell did they do that?</i> They might have used this. Upload one picture and slice it onto parts. One part will be your profile pic, the rest of it will be your cover, and parts can also be your app cover photos. I really want to do something cool with this. Surely all of you guys have some ingenious ideas already. Please share them with me so I can curse my own lack of creativity. </div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> No</span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK7OKflmqlO2vYgZ0ETFWbEtVwXCuFO9zfiL0cR4s56BTV6wUhR4bDb3Uuk2XjC57-ScWpj3Hb7xmoL5qH_nsAKKvGtTHzikAi8y7E68NxvkvbO6_OdvH4jbXTuetrhw05VPYAB0WkTNU/s1600/timelineslicer.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Creative Image Creation Ideas: TimelineSlicer" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK7OKflmqlO2vYgZ0ETFWbEtVwXCuFO9zfiL0cR4s56BTV6wUhR4bDb3Uuk2XjC57-ScWpj3Hb7xmoL5qH_nsAKKvGtTHzikAi8y7E68NxvkvbO6_OdvH4jbXTuetrhw05VPYAB0WkTNU/s1600/timelineslicer.jpg" height="185" title="Creative Image Creation Ideas: TimelineSlicer" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Still wrapping my brain around all the cool ways to use this tool.</td></tr>
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<b style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">41. </span></b><span style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><b><a href="http://www.picmark.co/" target="_blank">PicMark</a></b></span></div>
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Don't let the haters totally bogart your artwork. Instead,watermark those images before sharing! And by watermark, I mean put them in a nifty, colorful frame that contains your name, website URL, or other text. You have to sign up, which is kind of a drag, but they're giving you analytics in return, so it's a good thing. You can save the picture, or share it directly to Google+, Twitter, Facebook, or Pinterest. There's also room for customization if you're not crazy about the width or colors of their standard frames. You can customize the font and size of your text, too. Of course, the haters can always swipe your image, throw it into Paint, crop to the interior image only, and re-use that, but you're at least forcing them to use a little time. It's the little things.</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> Yes</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2ErtIXe2dLlwbTWEmZUK23i1mErJ_nGDmCTiL94FyDjhszt_np46S4f-Q-x3VMVsoqtkVNEGDzPzsFK2c4l-iQVHVUO0zY2xGs7k8XfRbIFqs8UVQk-gjk4rluvMKdPKJpOxEt9GY8RI/s1600/picmark.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Creative Image Creation Ideas: PicMark" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2ErtIXe2dLlwbTWEmZUK23i1mErJ_nGDmCTiL94FyDjhszt_np46S4f-Q-x3VMVsoqtkVNEGDzPzsFK2c4l-iQVHVUO0zY2xGs7k8XfRbIFqs8UVQk-gjk4rluvMKdPKJpOxEt9GY8RI/s1600/picmark.jpg" height="210" title="Creative Image Creation Ideas: PicMark" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I can see this totally working for creating the Featured Image for each WordPress blog post. <br />
It's branded, so if it gets pinned, you get more attention.</td></tr>
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<b style="font-family: inherit;">42. </b><b><a href="http://vectormagic.com/home" target="_blank">Vector Magic</a></b><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></div>
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So you have a photo or a bitmap, but you really want it vectorized so it can be scaled. No problem! You can upload jpegs, gifs, and pngs to this site and get a vectorized eps, svg, or pdf in return. There's one catch: you only get 2 free ones, and then you have to pay. Use them wisely. After you use up your free conversions, it's $7.95/month. I haven't used this yet, because I get all my vectors from royalty-free vector sites, but I figured I'd include it in case you just have to have a design that you drew vectorized.<br />
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All you do is upload your image and select it. The program will "trace" it into a vector image. Your original will be on the left, with the vector version on the right. You can make a few tweaks in terms of color and how much detail is included. Then, click "Download result" to have your vector image emailed to you. They'll send you an email with a code. Copy it and paste it into VectorMagic, click "Enable download," and choose your file output type: EPS, PDF, SVG, or PNG.</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> Yes</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjETPFWGoXedWyjUYN_dWCZx6__vBIRpoK3YoOqFBINUT1fl0GQtBUaIstd7QLTwgElYNAnVD02sBrLNxbeUJAsaJMi7VA4jAYzPo55JLbPyUM2-oueZU5Gsuo5j0d0sbwPKGdMM9au9Ok/s1600/vectormagic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Creative Image Creation Ideas: Vector Magic" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjETPFWGoXedWyjUYN_dWCZx6__vBIRpoK3YoOqFBINUT1fl0GQtBUaIstd7QLTwgElYNAnVD02sBrLNxbeUJAsaJMi7VA4jAYzPo55JLbPyUM2-oueZU5Gsuo5j0d0sbwPKGdMM9au9Ok/s1600/vectormagic.jpg" height="221" title="Creative Image Creation Ideas: Vector Magic" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This site might come in handy if you have a photo <br />
you want to vectorize and use as a logo.</td></tr>
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<b style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">43. </span></b><span style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><b><a href="http://clippingmagic.com/" target="_blank">Clipping Magic</a></b></span></div>
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This site has saved my bacon more than once. Yes, you can clip in Photoshop. I don't have Photoshop. Yes, you can clip in GIMP. I can't figure out how to clip in GIMP. So upload your image here, and make quick work of stupid tasks that waste time and give you floaters. Did I mention I love this site?</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> No</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFxVcj0I5nUfwLMTmIqIg6hlCWr5MLnjf2-4s4G3K-nLc0zThu6ywZuLYWonvRr8QGkIdnv0Sk0-6PvGIAGC1aWsCjwt0t2dudV7xF4v2FqnZos7b9prBy8TBMwp3SzXmZmWVCh-4tVqs/s1600/clippingmagic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Creative Image Creation Ideas: Clipping Magic" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFxVcj0I5nUfwLMTmIqIg6hlCWr5MLnjf2-4s4G3K-nLc0zThu6ywZuLYWonvRr8QGkIdnv0Sk0-6PvGIAGC1aWsCjwt0t2dudV7xF4v2FqnZos7b9prBy8TBMwp3SzXmZmWVCh-4tVqs/s1600/clippingmagic.jpg" height="131" title="Creative Image Creation Ideas: Clipping Magic" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Once you upload your image, select the green plus sign and click on what you want to save. <br />
Select the red minus sign and click on what you don't want to save. It's that easy.</td></tr>
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<b style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">44. </b><span style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><b><a href="http://www.favicon.cc/" target="_blank">Favicon Maker</a></b></span></div>
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So we've mentioned other tools that can make favicons, but if you want a dedicated go-to site, this is it. Import your existing image, and this tool will help you size it, color it, and pick which parts need to be transparent. Download the result, and voila, you have a custom favicon.</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> No</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWVmgsvamuToR23GQt7sC9KeH1q_yEnwfpKcz_gW_IjupcG3jEkGu-I54T5iGczgoUsWAnrH15aeoePR4GTOjPBE2-u0bRsfppSmpy3mi5NzOTJ7KyZ9s10NpiSpyAoYOO0sI0yRHmsZQ/s1600/faviconcc.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Creative Image Creation Ideas: Favicon Maker" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWVmgsvamuToR23GQt7sC9KeH1q_yEnwfpKcz_gW_IjupcG3jEkGu-I54T5iGczgoUsWAnrH15aeoePR4GTOjPBE2-u0bRsfppSmpy3mi5NzOTJ7KyZ9s10NpiSpyAoYOO0sI0yRHmsZQ/s1600/faviconcc.jpg" height="217" title="Creative Image Creation Ideas: Favicon Maker" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Favicons are a great opportunity for branding. <br />
Use your logo or author photo for maximum impact.</td></tr>
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<b style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">45. </b><span style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><b><a href="http://www.image-maps.com/" target="_blank">Image-Maps</a></b></span></div>
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Have you ever seen a blog header with embedded, clickable social media icons? I did, and I wondered how the f#*& they did it. Well, this is how. Upload your image, select the areas you want to be clickable, insert the link you want them to point toward, and grab the resulting code. Plop that code in your blog header or post, and you're good to go.<br />
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The only caveat? You need the final URL where the finished image will go. If you don't have that, you need to be able to tweak the resulting code once you do know that URL. If you're not good with HTML, it's probably easiest to upload the non-mapped image, grab the URL, and then start making your map. You can paste in the updated code, and everything should work because you started with the image's correct destination URL.<br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> No</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaE3xggKgvEaaijLG07LnEcQjs6soih8CzCFGFOOkMi9su2Ns3LrfE3zlNbWWJ_a0iKwCM9kKTkEczuFCMw7He6ss5qw7LIv-RwjOrv1wP6P57zwjYyJA5Hgk1vkxKE9nVmLVQaGkN0E8/s1600/image-maps.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Creative Image Creation Ideas: Image-Maps" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaE3xggKgvEaaijLG07LnEcQjs6soih8CzCFGFOOkMi9su2Ns3LrfE3zlNbWWJ_a0iKwCM9kKTkEczuFCMw7He6ss5qw7LIv-RwjOrv1wP6P57zwjYyJA5Hgk1vkxKE9nVmLVQaGkN0E8/s1600/image-maps.jpg" height="183" title="Creative Image Creation Ideas: Image-Maps" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Look for a new header for this blog in the next couple of weeks, made using GIMP and this tool.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<b style="font-family: inherit;">46. </b><b><a href="http://www.mycoolrealm.com/sandbox/gbgen/" target="_blank">Grab My Button Generator</a></b><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></div>
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This tool lets you make a nifty little badge for your site. If you have friends who blog (or if you yourself have more than one blog), you can each make a badge and post them on the other sites you want to help publicize. Just enter your site title, URL, and an image URL. Then you get to tweak the design a little bit, and voila! I'm not suggesting you ask your co-workers to grab your button, but hey, if the shoe fits.</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> No.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiGO_1760cCFTTd-zyuysHyiOct3ImIioIui79n8hgdJIOpX_ASx1PJHGGp3TDXqizmNXSF-Lf_ENsfHedM0FH6mi6mF6_DCqAvaULNzgJdxwFf0JvvFZ_C4rqdDUEyQZ06Gc7TpR6yBU/s1600/grab-my-button.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Creative Image Creation Ideas: Grab My Button Generator" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiGO_1760cCFTTd-zyuysHyiOct3ImIioIui79n8hgdJIOpX_ASx1PJHGGp3TDXqizmNXSF-Lf_ENsfHedM0FH6mi6mF6_DCqAvaULNzgJdxwFf0JvvFZ_C4rqdDUEyQZ06Gc7TpR6yBU/s1600/grab-my-button.jpg" height="166" title="Creative Image Creation Ideas: Grab My Button Generator" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Minimal design required! You do need a hosted image, but that's about it.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">47. </span><a href="http://design-seeds.com/" target="_blank">Design-Seeds</a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></b><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></div>
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If you kinda suck at picking colors or designing new colorscapes, this is the tool for you. Me, I get locked into pink. This is going to help me break out of my rut. Oh, who am I kidding. I'm going to use this to see which shades of pink look really good together. Click "palette search" to see what looks great with <i>your </i>favorite colors.<br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> No</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6m65BCcirnfn-U9gWghVN4borC-tyDVhNFqqKWIIoP_MGLluI2_Wq7DzdiYvrxIjTBIdc2AkWXbFFFDGS1UqQfM_edCATPH9fvprWZeCsJJKOe4-7CxONajNXasimsqmu7JCu9GWC0Uw/s1600/design-seeds.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Creative Image Creation Ideas: Design-Seeds" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6m65BCcirnfn-U9gWghVN4borC-tyDVhNFqqKWIIoP_MGLluI2_Wq7DzdiYvrxIjTBIdc2AkWXbFFFDGS1UqQfM_edCATPH9fvprWZeCsJJKOe4-7CxONajNXasimsqmu7JCu9GWC0Uw/s1600/design-seeds.jpg" height="205" title="Creative Image Creation Ideas: Design-Seeds" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Take the guesswork out of selecting a color theme for your blog or the images that accompany a particular post. Start with a color you love, or search by theme to see what colors blend well together.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<b style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">BONUS! Word Clouds</span></b><br />
<b style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<b style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">48. <a href="http://www.wordle.net/" target="_blank">Wordle</a></span></b><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></div>
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You can make a word cloud out of any text you paste into this site. If a word frequently appears in your text, it'll appear larger within the word cloud. There are different color schemes and fonts to pick from, too. You also have the option to paste in your blog URL and find out what you *really* spend all your time talking about. Don't say I didn't warn you. </div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> No</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFTDVX0bN85y3jxwuYMxr4H217SxDmxz3bC-72kJ_g-JycIlY-oZBGuQXo8sQQm0bI3I3NOAKjr48yWIgD11dhV8NobPzNOshPKcbOLUneFdOQ6QclZjGe51EVGreGpRtGIkzIvLQvkjU/s1600/wordle.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Creative Image Creation: Wordle" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFTDVX0bN85y3jxwuYMxr4H217SxDmxz3bC-72kJ_g-JycIlY-oZBGuQXo8sQQm0bI3I3NOAKjr48yWIgD11dhV8NobPzNOshPKcbOLUneFdOQ6QclZjGe51EVGreGpRtGIkzIvLQvkjU/s1600/wordle.jpg" height="203" title="Creative Image Creation: Wordle" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This tool can also be used for web research. <br />
Pop some competitor's web copy in and see which words <br />
come up largest in their cloud. Those are probably their target keywords.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<b style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">49. </span></b><span style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><b><a href="http://www.tagxedo.com/" target="_blank">Tagxedo</a></b></span></div>
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On this site, you can choose an overall shape for your word cloud: classic, apple, dove, heart, or star. You can use your blog's URL, your Twitter ID, or a search term. There are a lot of themes to pick from, with names like "Arizona Sunrise" and "Quiet Morning." There are 9 fonts you can use, and I'm not even going to comment on the fact that "Avril Lavigne" is a font. Nope, not gonna do it.<br />
<br />
Click the "Learn" tab to see what other people have used Tagxedo for...and find out how to make a cloud using just your own name. </div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> No</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyYNsWSvC-ZqlQPkf8z14VvIj3ZNIKmsD-n_EjxN31kFuhKVbnOAuMyMbvPYyG7G11jbYHOVkQsMBMzxddYsmn3lUV7HhCKNcIHYJ97htTkrVUkt5HCla5pvBpRtrBnDFkbp9gkHjmyO4/s1600/tagxedo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Creative Image Creation Ideas: Tagxedo" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyYNsWSvC-ZqlQPkf8z14VvIj3ZNIKmsD-n_EjxN31kFuhKVbnOAuMyMbvPYyG7G11jbYHOVkQsMBMzxddYsmn3lUV7HhCKNcIHYJ97htTkrVUkt5HCla5pvBpRtrBnDFkbp9gkHjmyO4/s1600/tagxedo.jpg" height="162" title="Creative Image Creation Ideas: Tagxedo" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Tagxedo" is a really hard word to type. The brain <br />
just resists the "x" following the "g." Try it.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;"><br /></b>
<b style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">BONUS! Infographics & Charts</b><br />
<b style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;"><br /></b>
<b style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">50. </b><span style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><b><a href="http://infogr.am/">Infogr.am</a></b><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></div>
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Make your own infographics! You can specify a share button, as well as add a map, chart, text box, pics, or a video. Let's take a minute to let that sink in. <i>A map.</i> What kind of kick-ass infographic could you make for your book if you could embed a map of where the characters go? Holy crap, I'm about to combust just picturing the possibilities. You do have to create a login, which is a drag, but you can login with Facebook or Twitter if you don't feel like giving them your email.</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> Yes</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcahsJKepByR-xxiWOEQdZXFKe-5RL62-Z9eKBHjK8WaCZdod07a4gUejaiajRD9ToG-xF8kHFxEYowTJOfCnOxm86F6GdwPe8VqvEQrC7SqpyhD_92MTzxEWf8SB9N28KI2wbu3kHTZQ/s1600/infogram.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Creative Image Creation: Infogr.am" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcahsJKepByR-xxiWOEQdZXFKe-5RL62-Z9eKBHjK8WaCZdod07a4gUejaiajRD9ToG-xF8kHFxEYowTJOfCnOxm86F6GdwPe8VqvEQrC7SqpyhD_92MTzxEWf8SB9N28KI2wbu3kHTZQ/s1600/infogram.jpg" height="142" title="Creative Image Creation: Infogr.am" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Infographics = link bait. Do it right, and you could earn your book or blog a lot of free publicity.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
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<b style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">51. <a href="http://easel.ly/">Easel.ly</a></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">This is another make-your-own-infographic site. It's all based on "themes." You start with a theme, which is a basic infographic template (in their demo video, a stylized map of the U.S. is the sample theme). Then, you add graphics and your content. It's all done through a </span><span style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">drag-and-drop interface, so you don't have create any of your own artwork. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> Yes</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjYjY5tJuMlY_wnz90Z5DUw0HG5W95rf_mmRvcmivcUzyVh964mn8htcEM-qBIsG6Q71rzm0VZkkhyzKfHhj5gweOzLOibtiZS3Cu73l7_3EqQ05-D2FLKHDBiAItmJBxjj8kl58QQtdM/s1600/easelly.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Creative Image Creation Ideas: Easel.ly" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjYjY5tJuMlY_wnz90Z5DUw0HG5W95rf_mmRvcmivcUzyVh964mn8htcEM-qBIsG6Q71rzm0VZkkhyzKfHhj5gweOzLOibtiZS3Cu73l7_3EqQ05-D2FLKHDBiAItmJBxjj8kl58QQtdM/s1600/easelly.jpg" height="191" title="Creative Image Creation Ideas: Easel.ly" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Watch their demo video first and browse samples to get an idea of what you can create. <br />
Then go gather your data and come back to create your infographic.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
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<b style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">52. <a href="http://piktochart.com/" target="_blank">Piktochart</a></b><span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">They make no bones about the fact that you need no design experience to use their site. Cool. 'Cause I don't have any. Choose the "Create for Free" option, and you'll be prompted to create a login. You can sign in with Google or Facebook if you can't bear to remember yet another password. Like Easel.ly, you start your design by picking a "theme." Then, fill in your text and tinker with the design (select an element, and hit the + or - button in the menu on your left to reposition it on the template).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> Yes</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGsw04HNWPB_-Oe732kznjFSgAFdP5Vb6iMCoOfLaoaWY9qJ_qnpoj21QHwkS83hjg1s2efXnr0qLpp9cC11MFpoOE-HxCrml2LwVINrH7GT8KnJ1mBoYwBqso-2cHli0AFbZIZQXEdYI/s1600/pictochart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Creative Image Creation Ideas: Piktochart" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGsw04HNWPB_-Oe732kznjFSgAFdP5Vb6iMCoOfLaoaWY9qJ_qnpoj21QHwkS83hjg1s2efXnr0qLpp9cC11MFpoOE-HxCrml2LwVINrH7GT8KnJ1mBoYwBqso-2cHli0AFbZIZQXEdYI/s1600/pictochart.jpg" height="141" title="Creative Image Creation Ideas: Piktochart" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Keep it simple by using a "theme" and filling in the blanks. Boom. Instant infographic.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
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<b style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">53. </span></b><b style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><a href="http://charts.hohli.com/#cht=p3&chs=320x240&chd=s:&chf=bg,s,FFFFFF|c,s,FFFFFF&max=100&agent=hohli.com" target="_blank">HohliCharts</a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></b></div>
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Need to beef up your book proposal package with some scientific-looking graphs? You can do that here. Create line graphs, bar graphs, pie charts, Venn diagrams, radar charts, and scatter plots. (And you thought that was just what I did when I wrote a book.) </div>
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<b style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">Login required?</b><span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;"> No</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC6vBTIPvjXPyGL-LUi6yFRTvwbDuHUwCxFOftHIfR_jvZ-D-TERCQ2MTA5X_dJAi61pzm5j9Ew80eFZVPA-3v1GjxxHW17F9gyE2i96Fmhic3af5VrhXgf1gs8tGsyv98yMcUztTZIQY/s1600/hohlicharts.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Creative Image Creation Ideas: HohliCharts" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC6vBTIPvjXPyGL-LUi6yFRTvwbDuHUwCxFOftHIfR_jvZ-D-TERCQ2MTA5X_dJAi61pzm5j9Ew80eFZVPA-3v1GjxxHW17F9gyE2i96Fmhic3af5VrhXgf1gs8tGsyv98yMcUztTZIQY/s1600/hohlicharts.jpg" height="205" title="Creative Image Creation Ideas: HohliCharts" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"HohliCharts" reminds me of "Holy cats," which is what my grandma said when you told her something crazy. Coincidence? I think not.</td></tr>
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<b style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;"><br /></b>
<b style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">54. </b><span style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><b><a href="http://extra.amcharts.com/editor/" target="_blank">amCharts</a></b></span></div>
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Here, you can generate impressive interactive charts for your website. Granted, it's a little scary looking at first, but it's cool because you can input your data and get html code to paste to your website. If you want the chart to resize automatically for mobile or tablet viewers, be sure to check the "resize chart when window resizes" box.</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> No</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOdqq7IJJr9XB2Dfy0W04LY1bn5TQGmGDthIw0eYeu69HjUHBinfkoTs_sQXEPn8j1j1Uwbi5ABoeUh0OIS3r1R_94Xo1_1_W1mr5Bz8oBbXmkRfI_vDW_qbaYuJA2607kiBen8cTm_Ik/s1600/amcharts.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Creative Image Creation Ideas: amCharts" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOdqq7IJJr9XB2Dfy0W04LY1bn5TQGmGDthIw0eYeu69HjUHBinfkoTs_sQXEPn8j1j1Uwbi5ABoeUh0OIS3r1R_94Xo1_1_W1mr5Bz8oBbXmkRfI_vDW_qbaYuJA2607kiBen8cTm_Ik/s1600/amcharts.jpg" height="173" title="Creative Image Creation Ideas: amCharts" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I wish I had information cool enough to showcase in an interactive chart. Alas, I am bereft. </td></tr>
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<b><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">Phew! Are you guys exhausted? I kind of am. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">If you're like me, you might be thinking, "Okay, great, you've shown me all kinds of places to create cool graphics. But not only am I shitty at art, I'm shitty at photography, too. Where am I supposed to get all the images to upload into these photo editing tools, anyway?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">I've got you covered. I'm stockpiling big-ass lists of image sources, all royalty-free, because I know you're probably a cheapskate just like me. I'm going to do a couple of fiction-focused posts, and then I'll go back and do a few more reference-oriented posts, full of places to get ALL KINDS of images.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">If you're like me, and get overwhelmed easily, just try one or two of these sites a week. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">So...for those who have already used some of these sites, which have become your go-to sites? I admit to a pathological dependence on PicMonkey, and a growing dependency on Clipping Magic. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">How about you?</span></div>
Jenni Wiltzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02661050256535845651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6016736003379634401.post-84060311400009378952014-03-02T18:03:00.000-08:002014-03-02T18:03:50.758-08:00Creative Image Creation Roundup, Part 2: The One-Trick Ponies<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGBZTCauROd3ioOscTwKuGHA1zc_1seAeyb_WSrLUaeK5CW125_EXJ5iQFTJuxhYFAU_IF8qlTaX4Rdj4J4MzNDE_pfyzixc2eTUMyWqp2tKMp7ay1E_kPrMNoh25pPah_2VkSaUtKAj0/s1600/tom-cruise-selfie-pho.to.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Creative Image Ideas: Pho.to sample" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGBZTCauROd3ioOscTwKuGHA1zc_1seAeyb_WSrLUaeK5CW125_EXJ5iQFTJuxhYFAU_IF8qlTaX4Rdj4J4MzNDE_pfyzixc2eTUMyWqp2tKMp7ay1E_kPrMNoh25pPah_2VkSaUtKAj0/s1600/tom-cruise-selfie-pho.to.jpg" height="297" title="Creative Image Ideas: Pho.to sample" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yes, that is Tom Cruise taking a selfie with a photo of me. <br />See how much fun image creation can be? </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">In addition to the workhorses I talked about in <a href="http://jenniwiltz.blogspot.com/2014/02/creative-image-creation-roundup-part-1.html" target="_blank">my previous post (items #1-11)</a>, there are specialty programs that might be a better fit for your art project. If you don't need all the bells and whistles, or get distracted by too many options, check some of these out. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">For example, if you just want an inspiring quote about writing, there are a bevy of places to get that done. If you just want to slap a quote from your book on a beautiful photo (but don't have any beautiful photos), that's easy, too. </span><span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">I pointed out whether each site requires a login, since I'm biased towards the the ones that don't. I can't even remember my own phone number most days, let alone a billion usernames and passwords. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Now go forth, experiment, and have fun! </span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: inherit;">12. <a href="http://www.liveluvcreate.com/" target="_blank">LivLuvCreate</a></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Use this site to make sharable quotes with pretty backgrounds. I've used this one a fair amount for work. It's great for reaching a younger audience because they have pics of celebrities you can shamelessly use to promote your own work. I've made Taylor Swift and One Direction graphics that are, if nothing else, eye-catching. Basically, you pick from a huge variety of background images, slap on your text, add a filter (if you want), and right click to save that puppy. All your images are saved to your username, but you have the option of keeping them private if you don't want them displayed in a public gallery. This is also a fantastic place to find the kind of background images that hipster edit memes make fun of. If you're into that sort of thing. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> Yes </span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnbr3lCdUYp5qm0OFpezLh-BV2xdtm7vwg0BSh88ZNHArluxKeMYx3vqzJCL26CooMorhrk-4pUXQy8dCnWIsODfrgq9Fc9ON2GvDsJx45cLsOI4seTz8K0961l3S4m9cvI6zzVelBMuA/s1600/livluvcreate.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Image Creation Ideas: LivLuvCreate" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnbr3lCdUYp5qm0OFpezLh-BV2xdtm7vwg0BSh88ZNHArluxKeMYx3vqzJCL26CooMorhrk-4pUXQy8dCnWIsODfrgq9Fc9ON2GvDsJx45cLsOI4seTz8K0961l3S4m9cvI6zzVelBMuA/s1600/livluvcreate.jpg" height="223" title="Image Creation Ideas: LivLuvCreate" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Bonus! You can submit your OneDirection fanfic here, too. <br />(Please tell me you don't have OneDirection fanfic.) </td></tr>
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<b style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">13. <a href="http://pinstamatic.com/" target="_blank">Pinstamatic</a></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">This is solely to help you kick ass at Pinterest. It helps you pin things other than pictures, which sounds weird, but can actually be helpful. You can pin quotes, stuff from Spotify, a Tweet, etc. For writers, the easiest thing to do is to make a quote, and grab a great line from your book. To do that, all you do is paste your quote into a blank box, add an author name, and apply the style you like best from their scrollbar. No muss, no fuss. When you're done, just hit "Pin." If you want to grab the image to use elsewhere than Pinterest, you have to copy it and paste it into another photo editor.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> No</span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigwD9Qqjc7vVLVKEbk4RepFiYnz1ponLHs3CCLvnDT1x9CKixSo1-FpB56yVNMu9Ps6nEaGagxnYBzGX-yrBhHxGyCazcayJR1GeAi4IJ7egjKwhHwhG6MyLw83Mbaz6gKRYCHkpBU4Y4/s1600/pinstamatic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Image Creation Ideas: Pinstamatic" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigwD9Qqjc7vVLVKEbk4RepFiYnz1ponLHs3CCLvnDT1x9CKixSo1-FpB56yVNMu9Ps6nEaGagxnYBzGX-yrBhHxGyCazcayJR1GeAi4IJ7egjKwhHwhG6MyLw83Mbaz6gKRYCHkpBU4Y4/s1600/pinstamatic.jpg" height="206" title="Image Creation Ideas: Pinstamatic" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pinstamatic deserves attention just for the beauty of their home page design.</td></tr>
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<b><span style="font-family: inherit;">14. <a href="http://www.pinwords.com/" target="_blank">Pinwords</a></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">When I typed this into Google, it asked me, "Did you mean pinworms?" No, Google, I didn't mean pinworms, and freakin' a, what the hell is a pinworm? Anyhoo. This is a quote-image-making site. You can upload an image of your own, or use one of their pre-supplied backgrounds. You choose your theme, click on the sample text, and update it with your own. Easy, breezy, beautiful, Cover Girl. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> No</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgX_Ba6mSIYkpeddh_HS7QtldOiI4EkSPmcnkd0S4llc9fgp1qh9ezG0-D-Iv9HsCAp4p8B-NqvtaOUx0I2w8UgtoYRvU4e00M7cyqr7j9qr742s31D46rx01mSZmwEhaspz2WKjF21s-4/s1600/pinwords.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Image Creation Ideas: Pinwords" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgX_Ba6mSIYkpeddh_HS7QtldOiI4EkSPmcnkd0S4llc9fgp1qh9ezG0-D-Iv9HsCAp4p8B-NqvtaOUx0I2w8UgtoYRvU4e00M7cyqr7j9qr742s31D46rx01mSZmwEhaspz2WKjF21s-4/s1600/pinwords.jpg" height="232" title="Image Creation Ideas: Pinwords" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pinwords: simple yet effective. </td></tr>
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<b style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">15. <a href="http://quozio.com/" target="_blank">Quozio</a></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">This is another quote-making site. Just enter your quote, and add the author. Click "Go," and scroll through a bunch of pre-formatted backgrounds and font choices at the top of the window. You can't customize the font, size, or background, but it's an incredibly fast way to get something on paper that you can post if you're pressed for time. Most of the backgrounds are solid color, but there are also some generic forests, trees, leaves, flowers, cloudy days, rain puddles, footprints, and the like for all your inspirational quotation needs. Right-click on your image to save it, or use their "Pin It," or "Send" buttons.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> No</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br /><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpMCu7CMSgv7YsF866wdcfUWaJV3yG-7uu8H6IIinAuw5N7R-iH8UbBx86r3BqRB178rGgCAZLewEAoFaoKf7WAw1p-d_iXs5NfWYdoxGjBRfiYOY-9BxRj5h2DLq_v7c-tHDte0GYVDY/s1600/quozio.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Image Creation Ideas: Quozio" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpMCu7CMSgv7YsF866wdcfUWaJV3yG-7uu8H6IIinAuw5N7R-iH8UbBx86r3BqRB178rGgCAZLewEAoFaoKf7WAw1p-d_iXs5NfWYdoxGjBRfiYOY-9BxRj5h2DLq_v7c-tHDte0GYVDY/s1600/quozio.jpg" height="203" title="Image Creation Ideas: Quozio" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Quozio requires you to enter a quote before checking out <br />the available backgrounds and styling options.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br /><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></div>
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<b style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">16. <a href="http://recitethis.com/" target="_blank">Recite</a></span></b></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2ECsPiN_g5ayJAI5bt4o78O0GXyHydkIcNVk1Sav7OIDVW_33k5SgCnJOB_e3NJzGUR4QF2sqOTmz-hyBZdNNPOnBRyjpUgQS2IRrYuFJ3TW7z8igzxwruqblLeuelOcA8Eyu4OllRd4/s1600/death-has-always-followed-that-family-SIZED.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Creative Image Ideas: Recite sample" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2ECsPiN_g5ayJAI5bt4o78O0GXyHydkIcNVk1Sav7OIDVW_33k5SgCnJOB_e3NJzGUR4QF2sqOTmz-hyBZdNNPOnBRyjpUgQS2IRrYuFJ3TW7z8igzxwruqblLeuelOcA8Eyu4OllRd4/s1600/death-has-always-followed-that-family-SIZED.jpg" height="200" title="Creative Image Ideas: Recite sample" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">See how cool Recite's <br />graphics turn out? </td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Another entry in the crowded quote-making site field. Here's the thing: this one's styled a hell of a lot better than most of the others. It produces much better graphics, to the point where my cover artist asked me who did the artwork you see at right. </span><span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">That's saying something, because this guy is a genius when it comes to covers, artwork, and styling in general. To get started, just type your quote in the blank box and click "Create." Preview your quote by scrolling through the image carousel below the blank box. When you hit one you like, click "Create." The only downside? You'll have a little bit of branding on your image. I didn't give a crap. The result was so good I didn't care. It's small and relatively unobtrusive. Throw them a bone. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> No</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br /><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUjbNI6Ix2lGQ7AnvqzUWJxBRcoXnrkODqwY-3aV7rjm7DsFlUF6OB4eLXXdK5dq-scKPxSZlURKyHOY8YVOG9AdzVUStx6LR73W6eJKbu-6YpgcZU202mSnIXTk7wFS9-Ie8LN5CcRmo/s1600/recite.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Image Creation Ideas: Recite" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUjbNI6Ix2lGQ7AnvqzUWJxBRcoXnrkODqwY-3aV7rjm7DsFlUF6OB4eLXXdK5dq-scKPxSZlURKyHOY8YVOG9AdzVUStx6LR73W6eJKbu-6YpgcZU202mSnIXTk7wFS9-Ie8LN5CcRmo/s1600/recite.jpg" height="183" title="Image Creation Ideas: Recite" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Recite shows you right away how your quote looks in all their templates.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br /><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></div>
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<b style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">17. <a href="http://www.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/" target="_blank">Keep Calm-o-Matic</a></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Should be self-explanatory based on the title. The "Keep Calm" thing is wildly overdone, but if you're determined to jump on the bandwagon, this is how you do it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> Only if you want to keep your creation private</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAeceYjy_3WVlVbkTOcYustcUSQH9pOcw4lAzoIN-Xw2SI1h-hrfawvA77JrlqQ4QEHCB4pxUc-CAKhr4Y9JYBNaRiUQl4TPrCz1QwTM0PGQjqDMq5u7V5-BffCMD-xc3rYoDWLEMmUKs/s1600/keepcalmomatic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Image Creation Ideas: Keep Calm-o-Matic" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAeceYjy_3WVlVbkTOcYustcUSQH9pOcw4lAzoIN-Xw2SI1h-hrfawvA77JrlqQ4QEHCB4pxUc-CAKhr4Y9JYBNaRiUQl4TPrCz1QwTM0PGQjqDMq5u7V5-BffCMD-xc3rYoDWLEMmUKs/s1600/keepcalmomatic.jpg" height="160" title="Image Creation Ideas: Keep Calm-o-Matic" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Keep calm and try not to be a douchebag.</td></tr>
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<b style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">18. <a href="https://shareasimage.com/" target="_blank">ShareasImage</a> </b></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">With this site, you can add text and filters to any image and share it to Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, or Google+. You can grab photos right from Facebook, Pinterest, or Instagram, and then output them back to social. They want you to install it as a bookmarklet or browser add-on, which I'm not fond of doing. I'd rather grab the image and drag/copy/paste/save/re-upload to PicMonkey or BeFunky to avoid running yet another add-on to my browser (I've already got six; it's enough). You can click "try the app," but on my computer, it took forever to load and I just quit. Still, it can produce pretty things to post on the fly, if you need that sort of thing. They used to make you pay to create more than 3 images; now they don't. Score for cheapskates everywhere!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> No, because you're using a browser-add-on</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5o82uIXAI7KXaN7lDl6ykQ6d0r8q8sQCKYBeZv81zew9RY28sTxDP5IfoIIoQXpjbYP7Dku_yi_4-799skCJq559YZiYi8B1MEPCs6IaJv-6cm5BLLQMkDyFpHts5Bum76zH7eROddfw/s1600/shareasimage.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Image Creation Ideas: ShareasImage" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5o82uIXAI7KXaN7lDl6ykQ6d0r8q8sQCKYBeZv81zew9RY28sTxDP5IfoIIoQXpjbYP7Dku_yi_4-799skCJq559YZiYi8B1MEPCs6IaJv-6cm5BLLQMkDyFpHts5Bum76zH7eROddfw/s1600/shareasimage.jpg" height="157" title="Image Creation Ideas: ShareasImage" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">ShareAsImage works as an extension in your Chrome browser. Because who <br />doesn't need yet another extension constantly running in the background.</td></tr>
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<b><span style="font-family: inherit;">19. <a href="http://inspirably.com/" target="_blank">Inspirably</a></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Another quote-making site. You paste in your quote, add a name (author), click "Submit," and you'll go to the "Designing" phase. There are quite a few choices here in terms of backgrounds, from abstract to crystal-clear photos of landscapes and people. Your quote will always be available for everyone to see, however, so be aware before you release the Kraken. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> Not if you right click and save your image once it's done. Otherwise, it asks you to log in with Facebook.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5RpqYc8Nh7J0nrb5ygtDX4gacAIrXc3Ut7nie2-azlqotTmHjzVMly8At_cX360gMS5oteJ4-bAlhpU3N5Sw_KQ36M7JHrhv0O1Whtn4S-wx-U3Aa4J-ABmrTfY0NxeyvUeIp9cyOODE/s1600/inspirably.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Image Creation Ideas: Inspirably" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5RpqYc8Nh7J0nrb5ygtDX4gacAIrXc3Ut7nie2-azlqotTmHjzVMly8At_cX360gMS5oteJ4-bAlhpU3N5Sw_KQ36M7JHrhv0O1Whtn4S-wx-U3Aa4J-ABmrTfY0NxeyvUeIp9cyOODE/s1600/inspirably.jpg" height="160" title="Image Creation Ideas: Inspirably" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Inspirably has a lot of high-quality photos you can use <br />as quote backgrounds, which is a big selling point.</td></tr>
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<b style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">20. <a href="http://www.quotescover.com/category/wording/quotes" target="_blank">QuotesCover</a></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Yet another quote-making site. Who is <i>paying</i> for all of these? That's what I want to know. Anyhoo, to use this one, you can either choose one of the pre-loaded quotations (Frederick the Great, Ninon de Lenclos, Federico Fellini, Marie Curie, etc.) or enter your own in the box on the right. Be sure to select "Viral Status" after you select your quote. The colors and backgrounds aren't wonderful here. They remind me of those concerts in the 60s and 70s where they squirted colored water onto an overhead projector so all the high-as-shit concertgoers had something to trip out on besides the bad fashion.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> No</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8jT238Hfn7zpH2MSyLiPyNwaiE_fj0rAlHTHyGEmTIvE8FEeihyphenhyphenws5ICijMPZYswvLHKR_wRtaTGu88Pgt3IkyM0AUThCXtV3c_YqyO1Ou4KL2TmGuVpoGH38PQxslxN10h8gxGnGLhk/s1600/quotescover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Image Creation Ideas: QuotesCover" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8jT238Hfn7zpH2MSyLiPyNwaiE_fj0rAlHTHyGEmTIvE8FEeihyphenhyphenws5ICijMPZYswvLHKR_wRtaTGu88Pgt3IkyM0AUThCXtV3c_YqyO1Ou4KL2TmGuVpoGH38PQxslxN10h8gxGnGLhk/s1600/quotescover.jpg" height="176" title="Image Creation Ideas: QuotesCover" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">QuotesCover asks you to choose your quote before seeing the <br />styling available. Most of it is abstract and kinda psychedelic.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>21. <a href="http://behappy.me/generator">BeHappy.me</a></b> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">There's not much to do here except build your quote. Type it in, include the author (if you want), choose a font, and choose a background. It has "Behappy" branding on the bottom, and is pretty limited. Basically, you get a square with words in it. If that's what you want, awesome. You also have the option to download a Facebook cover from your quote, or submit your quote to be put on products for sale and earn 30% of any sales. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> Yes</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVimVaGHMq_uFE-vYHbsU0TRUkICa-nVJxNwNfSo7wZDiH4p3smpmD1AkHZHiGvjZPxjW5JWOZFehRGSDxzqpDsHk09mq_fOkTAdG_mnAw4Lj2cx2I5sSSrfU-axni2gSOJcsr7afJW90/s1600/behappy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Image Creation Ideas: BeHappy.me" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVimVaGHMq_uFE-vYHbsU0TRUkICa-nVJxNwNfSo7wZDiH4p3smpmD1AkHZHiGvjZPxjW5JWOZFehRGSDxzqpDsHk09mq_fOkTAdG_mnAw4Lj2cx2I5sSSrfU-axni2gSOJcsr7afJW90/s1600/behappy.jpg" height="190" title="Image Creation Ideas: BeHappy.me" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This site is like those people who are always telling me to smile. <br />What if I want to make a quote about death, doom, plague, and everlasting damnation? </td></tr>
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<b style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">22. <a href="https://findings.com/">Findings</a></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">This site lets you clip quotes you want to save or share from wherever you find them online. The downside? Your quote has to be online already. You can give them a font/background, and add them to your collection or share them on social media. You do have to login, either via Facebook, Twitter, or by creating a username/login. It's a drag, which is kind of the opposite of their slogan: "The easiest way to quote and share on the web."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> Yes; login with Facebook or Twitter</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhT9u0R4QjItmAsF7OG6MUvFFwFBYFoppz7T_ZOQsOlohwS9V3tilNrkn-ftvgfKbOYPh69pW7-1QvynDpU_fwImYAhoH4XxV5fDKufvVQuEmt9cGPg5wTDQd7JSab4A54_jJjU6n4Fw2k/s1600/findings.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Image Creation Ideas: Findings" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhT9u0R4QjItmAsF7OG6MUvFFwFBYFoppz7T_ZOQsOlohwS9V3tilNrkn-ftvgfKbOYPh69pW7-1QvynDpU_fwImYAhoH4XxV5fDKufvVQuEmt9cGPg5wTDQd7JSab4A54_jJjU6n4Fw2k/s1600/findings.jpg" height="155" title="Image Creation Ideas: Findings" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Findings isn't the most stylish quote maker out there, but it gets the job done.</td></tr>
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<b style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">23. <a href="http://quotes.prowritingaid.com/en/Quotes/MakeAQuoteImage">ProQuoter</a></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">Like Findings, you can create a fast image for social media sharing. Unlike Findings, you can type your quote in if it's not on an existing web page. Include the author if you want (it's optional). You can add the bookmarklet to your bookmark bar if yours isn't, like mine, already as crowded as Imelda Marcos's shoe closet. It can post your quote to Pinterest, Facebook, or Twitter.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> No</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjiroBgtTFd9Htum7E-B2zlt4fJ6ZezDX_bh7LXp2sTEIv3hXA8c8Ay-F70Tp_PTg5cRKvpL1874nl4I4iFFm8qrIg5T15jXuE1LMKNfCsk_jsJ0rR8LZib81FgiljRFcNUmHEJN63MOU/s1600/proquoter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Image Creation Ideas: ProQuoter" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjiroBgtTFd9Htum7E-B2zlt4fJ6ZezDX_bh7LXp2sTEIv3hXA8c8Ay-F70Tp_PTg5cRKvpL1874nl4I4iFFm8qrIg5T15jXuE1LMKNfCsk_jsJ0rR8LZib81FgiljRFcNUmHEJN63MOU/s1600/proquoter.jpg" height="153" title="Image Creation Ideas: ProQuoter" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">ProQuoter, styled with all the flair of a <br />Communist-bloc apartment building.</td></tr>
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<b style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">24. <a href="http://wigflip.com/roflbot/">Roflbot</a></b></div>
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Fellow meme lovers, rejoice. This is where you make those images that have cats, dogs, rednecks, or babies captioned with those white block letters that display the creator's piquant wit. You can use a random picture they offer you, upload your own, or enter a URL to caption a picture that's already been posted somewhere else. Remember, folks: with great meme-making power comes the responsibility not to suck. Also to spell shit correctly. One time, I found the perfect Conway Twitty meme...<i>just take a second to absorb the fact that I was in a situation that called for a Conway Twitty meme</i>...but then I realized the meme said "Cownway" instead of "Conway." Now take a second second to absorb the fact that someone actually created a Conway Twitty meme. It's a strange world we live in.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> No</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSv1PlXln2G8Q-cViF1d68NIsAjDo72skmivAr4VgKqueH-qcR01IfMzzzeSZvxQSWwVN288o58NLhyhmF_x3lbbZ7kT8kMmqR1kDeZLXWV-soKio4uHX3ysqaPEiGK1b8wawJJC5dnWY/s1600/roflbot.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Image Creation Ideas: Roflbot" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSv1PlXln2G8Q-cViF1d68NIsAjDo72skmivAr4VgKqueH-qcR01IfMzzzeSZvxQSWwVN288o58NLhyhmF_x3lbbZ7kT8kMmqR1kDeZLXWV-soKio4uHX3ysqaPEiGK1b8wawJJC5dnWY/s1600/roflbot.jpg" height="180" title="Image Creation Ideas: Roflbot" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I can haz meme.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>25. <a href="http://www.citrify.com/">Citrify</a></b> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">This one is designed to help you spiff up your selfies. It can reduce red-eye and wrinkles, plus air-brush out your zits. You can also adjust things like hue, saturation, and brightness. There are some nifty filters here, including "Obamify" and "Hulk." I'm not in the habit of taking selfies (no smartyphone), but if you are, check this one out.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> No.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8EtJ7LGOn0nJD-tv4Ar3jChusxazwpQewT_ytYtAmomrM0w1qrpwIhfZb0KBmItJWx8sUGUAXRFhu7EvMsJaHYQkoRhwgfURgXNGbIV6Mx7aApTLOi6I8lQ-eJJsmWMOVtfIteVg0HOg/s1600/citrify.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Image Creation Ideas: Citrify" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8EtJ7LGOn0nJD-tv4Ar3jChusxazwpQewT_ytYtAmomrM0w1qrpwIhfZb0KBmItJWx8sUGUAXRFhu7EvMsJaHYQkoRhwgfURgXNGbIV6Mx7aApTLOi6I8lQ-eJJsmWMOVtfIteVg0HOg/s1600/citrify.jpg" height="181" title="Image Creation Ideas: Citrify" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Citrify: when bad photos happen to good people. <br />Or you're like me, and just plain unphotogenic.</td></tr>
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<b style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">26. <a href="http://www.usechisel.com/">Chisel</a> </b></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Add text to photos, using either your own images or their library of almost 4,000 images. You can share directly to Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, and more. The biggest drawback is having to create an account. The good news is that some of their images are amazing, so it's worth the time to prowl through them and pick out some favorites. The landscapes are something else. My favorite quote in their home page background image: <i>"Plan over bourbon. Execute over coffee."</i> That kicks the shit out of the obligatory Lorde quotation that floats above and to the left of it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> Yes</span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDHyZRctj4M5KwaLRnBwHvp5PtCH_u0H-ED0-w31kC9jurlw1zBTKi3qos5Lt1STpcpKvAPiVVl_zYi2iKKtMfuo6O52B4cZW2jiIfwSvziUy47qV5HPzEK6YjA76pTa9a8IwMceVUHbs/s1600/chisel.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Image Creation Ideas: Chisel" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDHyZRctj4M5KwaLRnBwHvp5PtCH_u0H-ED0-w31kC9jurlw1zBTKi3qos5Lt1STpcpKvAPiVVl_zYi2iKKtMfuo6O52B4cZW2jiIfwSvziUy47qV5HPzEK6YjA76pTa9a8IwMceVUHbs/s1600/chisel.jpg" height="157" title="Image Creation Ideas: Chisel" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Is it just me, or does that kid to the left of the site name look really creepy?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<b style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">27. <a href="http://www.picfull.com/">Picfull</a></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">This site aims for simplicity. You upload a photo, slap a filter on it, and you're done. You can save it or share it as needed. If you don't have the time or energy to make many choices (I know I get exhausted by having a lot of options sometimes), this clean, easy-to-use site is a welcome alternative.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> No</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br /><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGmUzLVoBVOGJqWYwgyxuWW-UpmKta5yQ2yxBEES44VPfCpfFzvJ_ermpCPg7MCL020qCbLza9oylnwAgR0ScXTn-n3g-SymNOarZUTFifI8cjKgzyffNAj8QQm08smlIjcI4o8hCKasE/s1600/picfull.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Image Creation Ideas: Picfull" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGmUzLVoBVOGJqWYwgyxuWW-UpmKta5yQ2yxBEES44VPfCpfFzvJ_ermpCPg7MCL020qCbLza9oylnwAgR0ScXTn-n3g-SymNOarZUTFifI8cjKgzyffNAj8QQm08smlIjcI4o8hCKasE/s1600/picfull.jpg" height="230" title="Image Creation Ideas: Picfull" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Make your own Warhol-esque pics with Picfull's filters.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<b style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">28. <a href="http://www.online-image-editor.com/">Online Image Editor</a></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">This site is for basic photo edits, as well as creating animated GIFs. In terms of photos, we're only talking the basics here: resize, crop, add text, or add borders. The cool thing you can do here is make a GIF. Plus, you know those sparkly glitter messages girls post to other girls' Facebook pages on their birthdays? Yeah, you make those here. You can add animated rain, flags, glitter, and more to any image. When you want to indulge your tacky side, this where you go. (Everyone has a tacky side. Don't deny it.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> No</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUXiHgoCzhVmLhlAfNO-WNpOFwxin_JfvSgBko3mwtRjcXjxgWKKWILc7sesvSbM80f0Rvjnrgc4j6z31g-9jzXUoTa9Nu7DCRGnZRux0GZSe617loD4px0grjtqydTtglGRww7iGeeL8/s1600/onlineimageeditor.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Creative Image Ideas: Online Image Editor" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUXiHgoCzhVmLhlAfNO-WNpOFwxin_JfvSgBko3mwtRjcXjxgWKKWILc7sesvSbM80f0Rvjnrgc4j6z31g-9jzXUoTa9Nu7DCRGnZRux0GZSe617loD4px0grjtqydTtglGRww7iGeeL8/s1600/onlineimageeditor.jpg" height="156" title="Creative Image Ideas: Online Image Editor" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So tell me Online Image Editor...what is it you do again?</td></tr>
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<b style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">29. <a href="http://www.imgflip.com/gifgenerator">IMGflip.com</a></b><span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Want more GIF magic? Step right up. You can start with either images or video. You can also download your GIF for sharing. If you create an account, you can store it for retrieval with each login. You'll have a small watermark on the image, but it's a free service, so that's fair game. If that bugs you, you can pay to upgrade your account. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> Optional</span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitDFyofiWLnxLBL5QsjPJsilKGZIqYxybN8uOSVNz5cVrm2YVRz3jsXt12MQSyQhGNKytnmRtqazWdx7KRJ6CZtxsMq5hh0pVrY1e7617oo_-8hVs0DIY-S49ibsHYuxE9H3zCdmjji78/s1600/imgflip.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Creative Image Ideas: IMGflip" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitDFyofiWLnxLBL5QsjPJsilKGZIqYxybN8uOSVNz5cVrm2YVRz3jsXt12MQSyQhGNKytnmRtqazWdx7KRJ6CZtxsMq5hh0pVrY1e7617oo_-8hVs0DIY-S49ibsHYuxE9H3zCdmjji78/s1600/imgflip.jpg" height="143" title="Creative Image Ideas: IMGflip" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">IMGflip. Because the world never has enough GIFs. If you pronounce <br />that as the plural of a peanut butter brand, I don't think we can be friends.</td></tr>
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<b style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">30. <a href="http://gickr.com/">Gickr</a></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">
Here's another GIF-making site. Upload photos, make GIFs, hilarity ensues. 10 photos max per GIF. Hope that doesn't cramp your style. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> No</span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimtywT3G6N1rGO-4ysqU7H-l4ItqquNetXXbswZZjWHhetS7DCxIOdfcShU4N0XnTNasGbgzFIyucqxU3bMnt79tlfrtto-EQ6Es34S0iDxGzwrdxxRINglU1zZH88Q9FTSbruzZcV0JI/s1600/gickr.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Creative Image Ideas: Gickr" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimtywT3G6N1rGO-4ysqU7H-l4ItqquNetXXbswZZjWHhetS7DCxIOdfcShU4N0XnTNasGbgzFIyucqxU3bMnt79tlfrtto-EQ6Es34S0iDxGzwrdxxRINglU1zZH88Q9FTSbruzZcV0JI/s1600/gickr.jpg" height="203" title="Creative Image Ideas: Gickr" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Gickr's interface is clean and easy to use. The only bad part? You have to say <br />"Gickr" if someone asks you where you made that butt-kicking GIF.</td></tr>
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<b style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">31. <a href="http://www.quickpicturetools.com/en/">Quick Picture Tools</a></b><span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">This site offers a fast, free way to add one or two simple things to your image: rounded corners, blurry edges, etc. There are 12 total tools you can use here: embossed text, wallpaper calendar, multiple picture wallpaper, rounded corners, stripe frame, printed photo, combine images, embossed line frame, line frame, blur edges, add text, and crop.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> No</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghm-PMUVH5a41hlwVcqW84fmknxyGixKHJLhHTcQDL7Y0f9nxnA1m3xbQm1r9vNC-1NcxKVBBsPybQzR_FpV30rAuXzR1hIyJWa9z_lTZ58AJaZv4jxEcb92dNBTvMbNnz-ee5O3p6tkY/s1600/quickpicturetools.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Creative Image Ideas: Quick Picture Tools" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghm-PMUVH5a41hlwVcqW84fmknxyGixKHJLhHTcQDL7Y0f9nxnA1m3xbQm1r9vNC-1NcxKVBBsPybQzR_FpV30rAuXzR1hIyJWa9z_lTZ58AJaZv4jxEcb92dNBTvMbNnz-ee5O3p6tkY/s1600/quickpicturetools.jpg" height="230" title="Creative Image Ideas: Quick Picture Tools" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Quick Picture Tools is exactly what it sounds like.</td></tr>
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<b style="text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">32. <a href="http://services.pho.to/">Pho.to</a> </span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">This site has several sub-sites that let you do different things with your photos: edit, enhance, makeup touch-ups, etc. The most unique features are down at the bottom of the screen: <i>Funny.Pho.to</i> and <i>Cartoon.Pho.to</i>. At <i>Funny</i>, you can put your face into a celebrity photo, which I find hilarious. Yes, that's Tom Cruise taking a selfie in front of a picture of me...just one example of the fun you can have on this site. You can also add text and remove the pho.to watermark on Tom's shirt, if you care. You can also put your face on magazine covers, which would be awesome if you're promoting a book (do it for yourself, or your character). There are also some creepy-as-hell "human-to-animal montages" that are probably going to give me nightmares. If you need to get over an ex, pop their picture into the creepy orangutan montage and there you go. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><i>Note:</i></b> Occasionally, I got error messages when clicking to a new features...try again and it will probably work. It took me two tries to get the photo above created.</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> No</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihKWa_G4HBaMXnELv201vIohfmbn2SmLF0rtLlRRwgCD1-NW5yt9VfzktGOyvj5OwrCY1JDoPT0Pa8v3F5SJdQWkgKdz2eaCu9JgbZGlw17FnKILIu2xAqu6xJAFlitd9F2MlZ78sDbck/s1600/pho.to.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Creative Image Ideas: Pho.to" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihKWa_G4HBaMXnELv201vIohfmbn2SmLF0rtLlRRwgCD1-NW5yt9VfzktGOyvj5OwrCY1JDoPT0Pa8v3F5SJdQWkgKdz2eaCu9JgbZGlw17FnKILIu2xAqu6xJAFlitd9F2MlZ78sDbck/s1600/pho.to.jpg" height="182" title="Creative Image Ideas: Pho.to" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pho.to has my everlasting gratitude for the celebrity photos you <br />can insert yourself into. I find these things hilarious.</td></tr>
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<b style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">33. <a href="http://glitterboo.com/">Glitterboo</a></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">If you ever wished you sparkled just like the vampires in <i>Twilight</i>, here's your chance. Add glittery effects to photos of you, your pets, your possessions, or anything that seems dull on its own. Play wit "night lights," "glitter," dappled light," "reflection," and "night and day." Pictures with high contrast turn out the best, according to their tips.</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Login required?</b> Yes</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaqchTrX-Y2aK-hko127DbWdX7GV2RmB0WqWWFTRNik3XfGfeQpRJNMsIXtBQ8VSgGZOI_Kb45cZPHhad0ci9DRacTMzYhHsK-scQ1XjxEJxZRaX5GX21tunydBfdXIv1Lc738mTqdBuE/s1600/glitterboo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Creative Image Ideas: Glitterboo" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaqchTrX-Y2aK-hko127DbWdX7GV2RmB0WqWWFTRNik3XfGfeQpRJNMsIXtBQ8VSgGZOI_Kb45cZPHhad0ci9DRacTMzYhHsK-scQ1XjxEJxZRaX5GX21tunydBfdXIv1Lc738mTqdBuE/s1600/glitterboo.jpg" height="210" title="Creative Image Ideas: Glitterboo" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So, as I was saying, the secret to achieving world peace is...<i>oooh, shiny</i>....</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">Okay, that's it for part 2. While I was researching, I found four more "workhorse" image manipulation sites that got added to the original post. <a href="http://jenniwiltz.blogspot.com/2014/02/creative-image-creation-roundup-part-1.html">Click here to go back and check them out.</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">So now that we've covered workhorse do-it-all photo editing sites and one-trick ponies, what's next? I'm so glad you asked. </span></div>
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<div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">In part 3, I'll turn my attention to some of the more boring but necessary kinds of sites: one-step photo resizing, making icons, doing product placement shots, converting images to different formats, removing backgrounds, creating charts, and other stuff that used to take a crap-ton of time but can now be done in a couple clicks. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Have you used any of these sites, or created a freakin' masterpiece? I'd love to hear about it. Here's a little something I made with LivLuvCreate for work:</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjd9u6HWyjveFGF4hGYuxTLEuxZcfjS72yMvIeg4Ox_k87JH0qrW0LdvRLfK1UZpezao-9226oErNdUa9BAEIzPyNf9c1Lo_TmCwnbCMfzNTDpPeH65yEoGk_7KWOoKqgMQVEU2ha9eFMw/s1600/taylor-swift-life-insurance.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Creative Image Creation: Example from LivLuvCreate" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjd9u6HWyjveFGF4hGYuxTLEuxZcfjS72yMvIeg4Ox_k87JH0qrW0LdvRLfK1UZpezao-9226oErNdUa9BAEIzPyNf9c1Lo_TmCwnbCMfzNTDpPeH65yEoGk_7KWOoKqgMQVEU2ha9eFMw/s1600/taylor-swift-life-insurance.jpg" height="220" title="Creative Image Creation: Example from LivLuvCreate" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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Don't let anyone tell you image marketing is boring. :)</div>
Jenni Wiltzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02661050256535845651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6016736003379634401.post-53325332757526871552014-02-11T20:52:00.003-08:002014-03-02T18:14:05.888-08:00Creative Image Creation Roundup, Part 1: The Workhorses<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9f196CqemBZmIXK7Ek7692VplJ8AYQc95BqUX2q1tI5x6CF4dw5KGJAeFt0k5_K0lOOH1mwaJsDYfU-KzrKVBy4Oo_D0MLPUPvW5pBJM8H-Vkai0etc1v8Y0T4PKzNl8QgDAqZHXCmaU/s1600/hedgehog-cake-nailed-it.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9f196CqemBZmIXK7Ek7692VplJ8AYQc95BqUX2q1tI5x6CF4dw5KGJAeFt0k5_K0lOOH1mwaJsDYfU-KzrKVBy4Oo_D0MLPUPvW5pBJM8H-Vkai0etc1v8Y0T4PKzNl8QgDAqZHXCmaU/s1600/hedgehog-cake-nailed-it.jpg" height="400" width="277" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is how I feel when I try to make art.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>3/2/14 update: scroll down to the bottom of the post to see four sites added to the list!</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I suck at art projects. I don't understand typography. I don't understand placement. I'm okay with color, but really, everything I know comes from a MAC counter. But in today's oh-so-visual world, we indie writers have to produce a staggering quantity of visual products for social media, our blogs, our websites, and what have you. This can be extremely stressful if, like me, you have the aforementioned defect of sucking at art.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Well, I've been trying to fix that and I figured some of you might be, too. I've been compiling a mile-long list of the image creation and manipulation programs I've found in Evernote. Suddenly, I realized...I shouldn't bogart the helpful information. So this is me...not bogarting the helpful information. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Note the first:</b> I didn't even look at any apps that are only for phones. I don't have a smartphone and never will, so anything I do has to be done on a desktop.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Note the second:</b> These aren't <i>sources</i> for images...these are where you go after you already have those images. I've got an image source post in the works, but for now, just have fun with these. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Part 1: The Workhorses</b></span></h3>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This post is about the programs that do it all: basic editing, adding text, adding effects, adding filters, and adding frames. Basically, they make it easy to look like you don't suck at art.<br /><b><br /></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>1. <a href="http://www.picmonkey.com/" target="_blank">PicMonkey</a></b><br />My favorite. I honestly don't know what I'd do without this program. It's easy, fun, and I love the fact that no login is required. More companies should make it this easy to use their service. You can make collages, including Facebook covers. You can tweak profile photos. You can add lip gloss to your selfies. You can zombie-fy yourself. You can make nifty title cards for videos. There's not much you can't do with a little exploration here. </span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVQPVvAJPwB_SiXAWq1tsrV6Q1VAHKQ1QFUol8W-Vjwq2U2MEADe3lSe27baUeV7zN5FOuwSZo_OQVQDMSiehvxB_y7DGdYfyAL1fLbmcJH2C4qQKnofUrlSbxmZ5tsmuiOiGZcjGwb_I/s1600/picmonkey.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Image Creation Ideas: PicMonkey" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVQPVvAJPwB_SiXAWq1tsrV6Q1VAHKQ1QFUol8W-Vjwq2U2MEADe3lSe27baUeV7zN5FOuwSZo_OQVQDMSiehvxB_y7DGdYfyAL1fLbmcJH2C4qQKnofUrlSbxmZ5tsmuiOiGZcjGwb_I/s1600/picmonkey.jpg" height="251" title="Image Creation Ideas: PicMonkey" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">PicMonkey is my favorite image editing site of all time. <br />Not that I'm biased or anything.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Good:</i> Browser-based; no download required<br /><i>Good:</i> Free (some effects are behind a paywall; however, I've done fine without them so far. I want them, but I've done fine w/out them)<br /><i>Good:</i> No signup, login, or email registration required<br /><i>Good:</i> Easy to use<br /><i>Good:</i> Can download straight to desktop; social sharing not mandatory<br /><i>Good:</i> No watermarking or branding on your finished product<br /><i>Good:</i> Best mix between ease of use + features offered</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Good:</i> They name their three image quality levels after actors who have played James Bond</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Bad:</i> There is no way (that I know of) to group or ungroup overlays without merging them all down to the background image. You have to know what you're doing so you can merge each overlay as you get it right. If you only want to merge your last overlay, you're hosed.<br /><i>Bad:</i> There is no way to curve words a la Word Art or Adobe Photoshop/Illustrator. I tried to do this manually, almost went blind, and still had crooked letters. <br /><b><br /></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>2. <a href="http://pixlr.com/">Pixlr</a> </b><br />Pixlr.com's "Editor" is close to a full-on Photoshop replacement. However, before I knew this existed, I taught myself to use GIMP, which is why I'm only talking about Pixlr Express and Pixlr-o-Matic here. They're the most comparable to the idiot-proof art solutions I'm listing here. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">The Express features are your basics: filter, crop, recolor, etc. O-Matic offers a fast way to slap a filter and a frame on an image. O-Matic gives you sample images to get started with, which I like. Express does not. I can't really figure out the difference between Express and O-Matic.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">My one gripe here is that you can't always tell what their icons do, and THEY DO NOT HAVE HOVER TAGS. For the love of all that is holy, when I hover over a function, something should pop up to tell me what it is.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">O-Matic is a little confusing to first-timers. After you choose a photo, you select a filter. You're shown 25 default filters, but you can also access 13 Creative filters, 11 Soft filters, 9 Subtle filters, 7 Too Old filters, 20 Unicolor filters, and 15 Vintage filters. Who has time to go through all these? Not me, but if you've got time on your hands, go for it. Second, select an overlay (bokeh, burn, etc.). Third, select a frame. Download to your desktop, and you're done.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpa6lReP7meRlpGjDo9rc_8CEhs8nWtn0I3Fwf2DPutLlk0ECpmB3LlGHF4NaQSmtqm12PD0iT5NH6F-IIgCJmgmHQEWpHRcCMXBQ_0r2Tqx3VyAEjC-78NGL-nC35HVhHvobrwsgAn8g/s1600/pixlr.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Image Creation Ideas: Pixlr.com" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpa6lReP7meRlpGjDo9rc_8CEhs8nWtn0I3Fwf2DPutLlk0ECpmB3LlGHF4NaQSmtqm12PD0iT5NH6F-IIgCJmgmHQEWpHRcCMXBQ_0r2Tqx3VyAEjC-78NGL-nC35HVhHvobrwsgAn8g/s1600/pixlr.jpg" height="210" title="Image Creation Ideas: Pixlr.com" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pixlr features beautiful design, but it may take you <br />a time or two to get the hang of it.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Good:</i> Available as a download, on FB, as a Chrome web app, or for your smartphone<br /><i>Good:</i> Free, no paywall!<br /><i>Good:</i> No signup, login, or email registration required<br /><i>Good:</i> Can download straight to desktop; social sharing not mandatory<br /><i>Good:</i> No watermarking or branding on your finished product<br /><i>Good:</i> Easy way to make images look old or vintage</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Bad:</i> Not quite as intuitive as, say, PicMonkey.<br /><i>Bad:</i> Time consuming to go through all filters. Almost too many options here.<br /><i>
Bad:</i> Can't tell difference between two of their products<br /><b><br /></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>3. <a href="http://www.befunky.com/" target="_blank">BeFunky</a></b><br />It's a lot like PicMonkey. You can edit a single photo or create a collage. You don't have to register, but if you do, you can subscribe to streams for inspiration. Streams include big-picture concepts like "love," "travel," "LOL," etc.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">It's organized a lot like PicMonkey, too, with a left-hand vertical nav bar. They make it easy to make a Facebook cover, which is nice. While you're in the "Essentials" menu, the bottom choice there is "Facebook cover," where the selector appears over your photo so you can size it just right.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I'll admit: the effects are bananas. There's a lot to pick from, which is both good (<i>choices!</i>) and bad (<i>it's overwhelming and insanity-causing among perfectionist art-disabled neurotics like me</i>). There are a crapload of filter categories, and often a crap-ton of choices within each subcategory. When you pick a filter, you can tweak things like highlights, shadows, and effect amount with an easy-to-use slider bar. <i>Tintype</i> is freaking awesome. <i>Line Artopia</i> is fun to play around with. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />You can add frames (<i>Grunge Frames</i> and <i>Filmstrip</i> kick ass), along with text, overlays, and textures. I could take a couple days off work just to play with all the good stuff they have here.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I haven't used this one much, mostly because the choices are overwhelming. But I get the feeling that you could really fine-tune some images here and get way closer to the look you want than in PicMonkey. You can save or print your image when you're done.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1mYTXoDDDWWqXa5Kt52S37TfkemWArLjgtZrO1TKFr10D2-oFh4IzXNmWpr0NKjnkKhTHsqggX1o7Vl2jyEodlUqjYntF0XU0EEQPBpcxcb0tNQdrZb_UsEWxsQp3VM3NIbJ_LxzCEUE/s1600/befunky.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Image Creation Ideas: Be Funky" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1mYTXoDDDWWqXa5Kt52S37TfkemWArLjgtZrO1TKFr10D2-oFh4IzXNmWpr0NKjnkKhTHsqggX1o7Vl2jyEodlUqjYntF0XU0EEQPBpcxcb0tNQdrZb_UsEWxsQp3VM3NIbJ_LxzCEUE/s1600/befunky.jpg" height="187" title="Image Creation Ideas: Be Funky" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The highlights of BeFunky include "grunge" and "fiilmstrip" frames.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Good:</i> Browser-based; no download required</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Good:</i> Free, no paywall<br /><i>Good:</i> No need to register, but you can if you want<br /><i>Good:</i> Overwhelming choice of filters, textures<br /><i>Good:</i> Can download straight to desktop; social sharing not mandatory<br /><i>Good:</i> No watermarking or branding on your finished product</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Bad:</i> Annoying ads on top<br /><i>Bad:</i> Almost-overwhelming choice of filters and textures<b><br /></b><b><br /></b><b>4. <a href="https://www.canva.com/signup" target="_blank">Canva</a></b><br />Design the ever-loving hell out of a flyer, Facebook fan page cover, sheet of paper, or social media post. You have to get on the waiting list (I got my creds in a day or two) to get an invitation to Beta. It's a little (okay, a lot) overwhelming just because of the sheer variety of what you can do. It seems very handy for creating a logo or crest. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Basically, it's a way to add flat graphics (all the rage in the web design world) to a background you upload or one of their templates. It's super-easy to make a hipster-style logo or Facebook cover, in other words. All those gourmet hot dog bun companies, founded in Brooklyn in the 1980s? They probably made their logos here.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioDD1AibN0O1fGu95pnqxt6RondTZ9_r7cp0kmAfxTnnatsdbmjR1nWtq2vFbs25iSpuHyMpnVHsHE3V_ofOrzGNu7nmHCwh9cleuJZH9c5Kqk7RYEkqWEcNdejcF13r3L3pQunONywUI/s1600/canva.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Image Creation Ideas: Canva" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioDD1AibN0O1fGu95pnqxt6RondTZ9_r7cp0kmAfxTnnatsdbmjR1nWtq2vFbs25iSpuHyMpnVHsHE3V_ofOrzGNu7nmHCwh9cleuJZH9c5Kqk7RYEkqWEcNdejcF13r3L3pQunONywUI/s1600/canva.jpg" height="212" title="Image Creation Ideas: Canva" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Your hipster logo is just minutes away.<br />(The Sarcasm Factory: Est. 1977)</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Good:</i> Browser-based; no download required<br /><i>Good:</i> They offer 5 tutorials that help you get started<br /><i>Good:</i> Overwhelming choice of layouts and text<br /><i>Good:</i> Nothing's behind a paywall<br /><i>Good:</i> Can download straight to desktop; social sharing not mandatory<br /><i>Good:</i> No watermarking or branding on your finished product</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Bad:</i> Must log in/register<br /><i>Bad:</i> Almost overwhelming to choose a layout or text<br /><i>Bad:</i> Some layouts don't let you add your own background image. If it starts with flat color, it stays with flat color.<br /><br /><b>5. <a href="http://www.ribbet.com/" target="_blank">Ribbet</a></b><br />Very similar to PicMonkey and BeFunky. Upload a photo and then crop, recolor, add filters, shapes, and text to it. It's also available as a browser add-on, so you can have these tools available to you anywhere you go in Chrome. Another interesting feature here is that they're teamed with Zazzle to create customizable designs on salable products. It's probably not the road to early retirement, but if you have a knack for this kind of stuff, it could be fun.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">The basics are on your left (crop, rotate, recolor, sharpen). The goodies are along the top of your workspace: effects and filters, stickers, frames, and more. Stickers are just what they sound like: digital stickers, cartoon-like or icon-like add-ons you can superimpose on your photo. What's cool here is they give you an idea of what each filter will do; you see the same frog image revamped with the filter. <i>Cairo</i>'s is funny (the frog is wearing a pharaoh's headpiece). <i>Night Vision</i> is kind of cool. So is <i>Neon</i>.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">They also have a "Sandbox" with effects designed by people who don't work for them. Most of them are way out there and I'd never use them, but hey, they're there. You can also make a collage instead of working <br />on just one photo, if you like.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5xm9cUHLoOI-HkPDClR2yyzFAzwKYdjxpMFCHJCWGH-M30EnN-QDSMMd7eRz1Z3QdF-B7RcOHf10ndxYy-lWXy5C2Y71N-D5Fhv7IXV5mkxSoDpr0GQD3TPoVB6vVoLUknVFr6F2fDYw/s1600/ribbet.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Image Creation Ideas: Ribbet" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5xm9cUHLoOI-HkPDClR2yyzFAzwKYdjxpMFCHJCWGH-M30EnN-QDSMMd7eRz1Z3QdF-B7RcOHf10ndxYy-lWXy5C2Y71N-D5Fhv7IXV5mkxSoDpr0GQD3TPoVB6vVoLUknVFr6F2fDYw/s1600/ribbet.jpg" height="220" title="Image Creation Ideas: Ribbet" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The big ads are kind of a drag, but I understand. It's hard out here for a pimp.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Good:</i> Browser-based; no download required<br /><i>Good:</i> Free (some effects are behind a paywall)<br /><i>Good:</i> No signup, login, or email registration required<br /><i>Good:</i> Wide range of filters to choose from<br /><i>Good:</i> Can download straight to desktop; social sharing not mandatory<br /><i>Good:</i> No watermarking or branding on your finished product</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Bad:</i> Overall cheesy feel<br /><i>Bad:</i> Ads are distracting<br /><b><br /></b><b>6. <a href="http://www.photovisi.com/" target="_blank">Photovisi</a></b><br />This is a photo collage tool. It's not really meant for sprucing up a single image the way the other sites are. That being said, you can make kick-ass imagery for a blog post that compares multiple items, or advertises all of your books, for example.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK65997ifnMSTCxRBTP1Ji8-3LP_u58H0eUVnvJhfCAtBw-keDpP2aII9xN_ipJGKfMs0zKrKzEW5Iy5ZiLQDapEZv3fe5Qh8C7H2d1686SbOa15BOtzBUbZPF7vLoqh_RPp86x3AYkN8/s1600/photovisi.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Image Creation Ideas: Photovisi" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK65997ifnMSTCxRBTP1Ji8-3LP_u58H0eUVnvJhfCAtBw-keDpP2aII9xN_ipJGKfMs0zKrKzEW5Iy5ZiLQDapEZv3fe5Qh8C7H2d1686SbOa15BOtzBUbZPF7vLoqh_RPp86x3AYkN8/s1600/photovisi.jpg" height="217" title="Image Creation Ideas: Photovisi" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The samples are gorgeous...great for stitching together <br />your book covers for a FB background.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Good:</i> Browser-based; no download required</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Good:</i> Free, no paywall<br /><i>Good:</i> Gallery of samples so you can get ideas<br /><i>Good:</i> Can download straight to desktop; social sharing not mandatory<br /><i>Good:</i> No watermarking or branding on your finished product</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Bad:</i> Login required<br /><b><br /></b><b>7. <a href="http://ipiccy.com/" target="_blank">iPiccy</a></b><br />Overall, this is a lot like most of the other tools. You can add effects, text, textures, do touch-ups, and more. You have several options for choosing a photo: upload, take a shot from your webcam, grab it from Flickr, or from a URL. You can paint, make a collage, or blend photos together. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">There are fancy-pants tools like clone, curves, levels, and liquify. This is a bit too advanced for your average art dumb-ass like me, so I stick with the basics. In my life, when things get liquified, something really bad has just happened that probably requires Lysol.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">As for filters, the usual suspects are here: lomo, polaroid, focal black & white, etc. Depending on your project, they have a few filters are are super cool: <i>Snow</i>, <i>Scanlines</i>, and a kick-ass old west <i>Wanted</i> poster. That alone is worth visiting the site for. You enter the name of who's wanted, the reward amount, and bingo...your ex is now wanted dead or alive. You're welcome.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">If you click "textures," you can overlay a grunge texture on your image. I love grunge textures. Yes, it's hipster of me, but I can't help it. Sometimes you just need a little grunge.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg19vCySrMmxtvxYnJLknuszt5K4CEpeK0zj5KjCSli3HrOEn525cB5LhsDwDujOIZuS4MqupI2e5XsjaPLWTu6RwRiJqWkhrVx-Bzft0ZTO0g-k5rdvCSOXO-jxtoPV4IiKU__U-aWX9Y/s1600/iPiccy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Image Creation Ideas: iPiccy" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg19vCySrMmxtvxYnJLknuszt5K4CEpeK0zj5KjCSli3HrOEn525cB5LhsDwDujOIZuS4MqupI2e5XsjaPLWTu6RwRiJqWkhrVx-Bzft0ZTO0g-k5rdvCSOXO-jxtoPV4IiKU__U-aWX9Y/s1600/iPiccy.jpg" height="210" title="Image Creation Ideas: iPiccy" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">More grunge goodness here at iPiccy in the texture selections. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Good:</i> Browser-based; no download required<br /><i>Good:</i> Free, no paywall<br /><i>Good:</i> No signup, login, or email registration required<br /><i>Good:</i> Can download straight to desktop; social sharing not mandatory<br /><i>Good:</i> No watermarking or branding on your finished product<br /><i>Good:</i> Create your own Wanted poster<br /><i>Good:</i> Good font selection</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Bad:</i> Not quite as intuitive (Click on the stacked paper icon to add text? Wha?)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Bad:</i> You might have to say "iPiccy" out loud when someone asks you how you made that image.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Okay! That's it for my roundup of workhorses. I hope you have fun playing around with these.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Next week, I'll continue this theme with some "one-trick ponies": sites that are less versatile, but can still be the right tool for the job. Stay tuned.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzIGzPMXBo2bzV3SAz6PBTRdtbzM9EBEOUQOPj4SfmJqorlQpXQIJBoYfvx4TtLRYnJBjJta3pIRQspWEPDK4rxay7GIqKCUHVpDqEiZ1Tfds_gnG8CIBjbgIPDY4PFITvxJ3Gi5zv_wk/s1600/focus-on-my-art.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Mom, I Just Need to Focus on My Art Right Now" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzIGzPMXBo2bzV3SAz6PBTRdtbzM9EBEOUQOPj4SfmJqorlQpXQIJBoYfvx4TtLRYnJBjJta3pIRQspWEPDK4rxay7GIqKCUHVpDqEiZ1Tfds_gnG8CIBjbgIPDY4PFITvxJ3Gi5zv_wk/s1600/focus-on-my-art.jpg" height="400" title="Mom, I Just Need to Focus on My Art Right Now" width="277" /></a></div>
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<b><u><span style="color: red;">UPDATE</span></u></b></h3>
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I found a couple more workhorse sites while researching and writing the second post in this series, Creative Image Creation Roundup, Part 2: The One-Trick Ponies. Here they are, with a brief summary:</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>8. <a href="http://www.drpic.com/" target="_blank">Dr. Pic</a> </b><br />
This one reminds me a lot of Ribbet, visually speaking. Here, you can resize, crop, rotate, add text, sharpen, etc. Choose your format (JPG, PNG, etc.), and save to disk or web. </span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBOPV28En2qh-I7F-4vLp5bkJ2y2FhszGyPhyphenhypheni_l-qQu5lOQ349Kmyq8UrTiB3FuVI_Fm5qHGSXNLe2NOpnRlwy6vbL16upIy9ldQ_UAgZ7M5IvST2k9bLA3YKXSXkIB7sfp_VeP3VJRQ/s1600/drpic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Image Creation Ideas: Dr. Pic" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBOPV28En2qh-I7F-4vLp5bkJ2y2FhszGyPhyphenhypheni_l-qQu5lOQ349Kmyq8UrTiB3FuVI_Fm5qHGSXNLe2NOpnRlwy6vbL16upIy9ldQ_UAgZ7M5IvST2k9bLA3YKXSXkIB7sfp_VeP3VJRQ/s1600/drpic.jpg" height="157" title="Image Creation Ideas: Dr. Pic" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Easy-to-interpret icons on the left tell you what features are available.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<b><span style="font-family: inherit;">9. <a href="http://www131.lunapic.com/editor/" target="_blank">LunaPic</a></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">This one is yet another entry in the "free photo editing" site field, but it's a hell of a lot more robust than many other entries (plus, they have tutorials!). Unfortunately, the options look a little overwhelming, so if you're in a hurry, this probably isn't the site for you. Given a few minutes to play, there are a lot of interesting options here. Hover over "Draw" and you'll see options like "Motivational Poster," "Stained Glass," "Twitter Mosaic," and "Glass Tile," among others. The "Effects" menu has just as many cool-looking choices. Choose "Dollar Bill" to put your picture in the center of a dollar bill, use the "Lego" effect to make your photo look like it's composed of Lego blocks, or make your photo look like it's underwater with the "Water" effect. </span><span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">There is </span><i style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">a lot</i><span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;"> to explore here, and given the time, you could create some pretty cool homemade marketing materials. </span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLWUo8YpJH-VqPBPNSpr40dnkHKExwBbUOg8rG18W01bEQ4_Tl8XcQStX5oAVDXzTVVTrsdZscJYBk4_fxEa7kZJupajMCBIieWj1n3-L3ZpX2PE0sFUl9kdEI_wFENey2p92mhpExrhU/s1600/lunapic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Image Creation Ideas: LunaPic" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLWUo8YpJH-VqPBPNSpr40dnkHKExwBbUOg8rG18W01bEQ4_Tl8XcQStX5oAVDXzTVVTrsdZscJYBk4_fxEa7kZJupajMCBIieWj1n3-L3ZpX2PE0sFUl9kdEI_wFENey2p92mhpExrhU/s1600/lunapic.jpg" height="180" title="Image Creation Ideas: LunaPic" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A generous supply of effects, if you've got the time and patience to sort through them.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<b><span style="font-family: inherit;">10. <a href="http://www.fotor.com/" target="_blank">Fotor</a></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">This one lets you edit a photo, make a collage, or make cards. Once you upload a photo, you can crop, rotate, adjust tone/color, etc, play with curves, resize, add text, effects, a frame, clip art, or save/print/share. You can also run your photo through "HDR" to make it look super HD. They give you a "compare" feature, which puts your "before" and "after" side by side. I didn't notice a difference in the rose photo I tested. </span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsOlBNzXNL6cpf0qXpr4cSPpRhosx4ulkiWbK6f1QO2gUMdZqnmEGaB_vYR1C5Gphc0mpdUGGZnRw2ooFSnLeW9QCZa86j24_fsL-EAQqDZpbPxht9YqbmPhJ_xk6-dX4VDyVsau4nNMk/s1600/fotor.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Image Creation Ideas: Fotor" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsOlBNzXNL6cpf0qXpr4cSPpRhosx4ulkiWbK6f1QO2gUMdZqnmEGaB_vYR1C5Gphc0mpdUGGZnRw2ooFSnLeW9QCZa86j24_fsL-EAQqDZpbPxht9YqbmPhJ_xk6-dX4VDyVsau4nNMk/s1600/fotor.jpg" height="206" title="Image Creation Ideas: Fotor" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Is that gold glitter in their background? Hmm, I wonder who their target audience is...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>11. <a href="http://pixenate.com/" target="_blank">Pixenate</a> </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">This one offers the standard array of photo-editing tools: crop, resize, flip, rotate, improve color balance, smooth, brighten, straighten horizon, remove red eye, white teeth, adjust color/hue, and drawing over the photo. Your options for your finished product include saving to disk or uploading to Flickr.</span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7dUpEFWtpvSgrsNhHLSCycmQh5JsI1LMHdbLh3-QoO05TxNwT4EeEcT1UK9PPg1VnJIay7u3YDLwpX0VI3GsDEGZW8m-8RWKjh9VVoabM6t3gbjoQDF_sN5dQvIHmEtuvTCxfgU8pUYQ/s1600/pixenate.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Image Creation Ideas: Pixenate" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7dUpEFWtpvSgrsNhHLSCycmQh5JsI1LMHdbLh3-QoO05TxNwT4EeEcT1UK9PPg1VnJIay7u3YDLwpX0VI3GsDEGZW8m-8RWKjh9VVoabM6t3gbjoQDF_sN5dQvIHmEtuvTCxfgU8pUYQ/s1600/pixenate.jpg" height="235" title="Image Creation Ideas: Pixenate" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Easy fixes for red eye and bad teeth, plus straightening photos with a crooked horizon.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>Jenni Wiltzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02661050256535845651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6016736003379634401.post-40504368438168370202014-02-03T18:52:00.000-08:002014-02-03T18:52:11.000-08:00The Romanov Legacy: Free on Kindle<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7BVsZYFZrWkSV1wHEDcrC7DFD-KASAT4CFvmCr2_ckIQo37Nn7ZvB4tgD8AqFK5pOYn_BA-RZIx02ekOPeH-sMvppCRHV1LAOCR_Vz_1A6ooveO2lgHvKMZWLE3vuy0piw1K0scLh-Nc/s1600/2013_cover_TheRomanovLegacy_large.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="The Romanov Legacy by Jenni Wiltz" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7BVsZYFZrWkSV1wHEDcrC7DFD-KASAT4CFvmCr2_ckIQo37Nn7ZvB4tgD8AqFK5pOYn_BA-RZIx02ekOPeH-sMvppCRHV1LAOCR_Vz_1A6ooveO2lgHvKMZWLE3vuy0piw1K0scLh-Nc/s1600/2013_cover_TheRomanovLegacy_large.jpg" height="320" title="The Romanov Legacy by Jenni Wiltz" width="203" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
We now rejoin the previously scheduled program, already in progress.</div>
Jenni Wiltzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02661050256535845651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6016736003379634401.post-1734352957217845592014-01-19T12:57:00.001-08:002014-01-19T13:11:19.441-08:00Demons, Funnels, and an Empty Checking Account: Why I Decided to Sell Short Fiction<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAtor5oqV7kkiZ1o0ZqiUDg19ttfYoVtXaW47xGhXUVUSzo2JrwB9aLwquT37XITq1Gc2BqNMoO5CkWagz8GLHlxIlMX1UwAnNQIzLOVNe3Qsq2C2HmK2gGWrLmrDzGiOLYAw4zM3qHvo/s1600/croatoa_blogpost.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Croatoa: A short story of the Lost Colony of Roanoke by Jenni Wiltz" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAtor5oqV7kkiZ1o0ZqiUDg19ttfYoVtXaW47xGhXUVUSzo2JrwB9aLwquT37XITq1Gc2BqNMoO5CkWagz8GLHlxIlMX1UwAnNQIzLOVNe3Qsq2C2HmK2gGWrLmrDzGiOLYAw4zM3qHvo/s1600/croatoa_blogpost.jpg" height="320" title="Books might be my bread and butter, but there's nothing wrong with serving up a fictional appetizer." width="213" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">In 2010, I had an idea for a short story about the lost colony of Roanoke. My first love is historical fiction and I've always been tormented by the idea of unsolved mysteries, so it seemed like a natural fit for me. Still, my writer's brain wanted more. It wanted to put a supernatural twist on the story. What better way to explain the strange disappearance of the colonists than by introducing something creepy and otherworldly? Namely, a demon named Croatoa. I know, I know...there are actual scientific theories about what happened to the colonists. But that's not nearly as much fun as a long-fingered black-haired demon. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">But I digress. It was a cold December and I was about to finish my first semester of grad school. It was time to write the final story for my first graduate-level creative writing class. I'd already turned in one historical fiction story, and one story about a talking dog who was really the devil. To reveal my amazing depth and breadth as a writer, logic dictated that I avoid (a) history and (b) the supernatural.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">But since when have I done anything the way I'm supposed to?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I wrote the Roanoke story anyway. Whether it risked my grade or not, it was the story I wanted to write. That's how I roll. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I wrote it from the point of view of Eleanor Dare, the mother of the first English baby born in the New World. I wrote about the last days of the colony, when hunger and cold and starvation and drought and attacks by Native Americans had taken their toll. I wrote about a demon named Croatoa, who offered Eleanor Dare a terrifying bargain. I wrote about Manteo, the Croatoan man who had already been to England twice by the time the last, doomed Roanoke colonization party arrived. And I turned it in for my final: 20 pages of brutal, bloody, tragic prose. I don't know what my grade on that particular story ended up being, since the professor said he would read our finals over a fire and burn them before assigning our final grades. But my grade in the class was an A, so I'm guessing it didn't suck too hard.</span></div>
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm0ZjCA3mIgJk0eQeGhzCtiBYyLibkwEsIWzynwExKtDCPmHb66ObdjRMZ_CHTdFK7jQKfCv5YCWwqbr5U_33UCwHt4ew2GlITWZCkPIbyLYu2kBmuIAsTFOnNVA3dgmAEIOSsHyPolZo/s1600/writer-leopard-kill-characters-in-love.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Leopard Writer Meme: Characters Fall n Love, Kill One of Them" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm0ZjCA3mIgJk0eQeGhzCtiBYyLibkwEsIWzynwExKtDCPmHb66ObdjRMZ_CHTdFK7jQKfCv5YCWwqbr5U_33UCwHt4ew2GlITWZCkPIbyLYu2kBmuIAsTFOnNVA3dgmAEIOSsHyPolZo/s1600/writer-leopard-kill-characters-in-love.jpg" height="200" title="Demons, Funnels and an Empty Checking Account: Why I Decided to Sell Short Fiction" width="198" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is pretty much how I write<br />
most of my non-literary short stories.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Being in grad school led to a burst of creativity for the next 16 months that resulted in me having quite a few short stories, mostly written for creative writing classes. I submitted almost all of them to journals and anthologies. Quite a few of them actually made it in and have been published. As is the case with most journals and anthologies, they requested only first North American rights, which meant that once the story had been published, all rights reverted to me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Until recently, I thought of my short stories as a means to an end: a way to get better at writing. A way to rack up a few publishing credits for <a href="http://jenniwiltz.blogspot.com/p/awards-publications.html" target="_blank">this here "Awards & Publications" page</a>. A way to earn backlinks for this blog. But I never thought of them as anything else.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Then I read a blog post on Anne R. Allen's blog. Writers, if you're not reading her blog, you're missing out. I only discovered it recently, but every post is chock-full of helpful and interesting information. The post I read was called, "<a href="http://annerallen.blogspot.com/2012/04/why-you-should-be-writing-short-fiction.html" target="_blank">Why You Should be Writing Short Fiction</a>." In it, Anne writes, "What--short stories? Aren't they just for writing classes?" She had my attention right away, since that's what I'd always thought. She </span><span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">said she knew of a bestselling writer who put a bunch of her older short stories up for sale on Amazon (under non-famous name, of course) and ended up making $500 a month. People found them, bought them, and liked them. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Hmm</i>, I thought. I have folders of short stories, all just sitting there.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">But I still didn't do anything about it. I was working on marketing my books and getting my website up and running, and I didn't want to think about it yet.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsW2UK4K6j62JkLYGVOPxbM2-32Nd_MFJbR7vTWZvWbG1ZDwMliOMcavSQfAaJZdCcqrXsCXF39kiVTnwdbAAAyoLBLr29Buim09Zmd1T3l-K_jlTRV9e6i0Qe4WznRI3CbT_3PXqlO08/s1600/learn-all-the-marketing.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Meme: Learn all the Marketing!" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsW2UK4K6j62JkLYGVOPxbM2-32Nd_MFJbR7vTWZvWbG1ZDwMliOMcavSQfAaJZdCcqrXsCXF39kiVTnwdbAAAyoLBLr29Buim09Zmd1T3l-K_jlTRV9e6i0Qe4WznRI3CbT_3PXqlO08/s1600/learn-all-the-marketing.jpg" title="Demons, Funnels, and an Empty Checking Account: Why I Decided to Sell Short Fiction" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Then, Sean Platt and Johnny B. Truant released <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Publish-Repeat-No-Luck-Required-Self-Publishing-Success-ebook/dp/B00H26IFJS" target="_blank">Write, Publish, Repeat</a>. Their advice is to create a marketing funnel, with short stories, novellas, and books in tiered pricing layers that draw browsers in and convert casual readers into repeat buyers and (hopefully) fans.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Hmm</i>, I thought. I don't have shit for a funnel.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">That's when I started thinking of ways to use my short stories as part of my marketing funnel. The book I want to write next is historical fiction (both of them, actually). I have several historical fiction short stories, including <i>Croatoa</i>. Why not put out some of the short stories and try to use them to generate interest in my historical fiction? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">So here's what I did:</span></div>
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<ol>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">Dug out my old manuscript.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">Polished it up. Added some stuff. Took a few awkward lines away.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">Made a cover. (Deepest apologies to my fantastic cover artist, but with a dead laptop and an empty propane tank, money is allergic to me right now.)</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">Popped the completed manuscript into my eBook template.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">Added two bonus features to the end of the story: a historical note on Manteo, and a detailed timeline of the Roanoke Colony. I wanted to make sure the reader had a bit more than just the story, so I used the idea of a DVD's special features and came up with the timeline/historical note idea.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">Added a brief excerpt from my vampire book at the very end, with the cover art and a buy link. The idea here is that someone interested in a historical fiction story with a hint of the supernatural might also really like my vampire book, which also hits both of these genre's high notes. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">Priced it at .99c. My books are all $2.99, and since this story is much shorter, the price needs to reflect that. Maybe when I have more items up for sale, I can make one of my funnel items permafree, but for now, I chose the entry-level price point of .99c.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">Published through Amazon KDP and Smashwords. Since I don't plan on doing a ton of promotion for the story, I didn't make it exclusive to KDP. I want the max amount of exposure for the minimum amount of effort, which means more venues = more eyeballs. </span></li>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">So this is now the beginning of a grand experiment in which I see if I can replicate other authors' success selling short fiction. I haven't publicized the release much, since I had an interview that went live at the same time and I can only stand so much of myself. In general, my books make very little money and this story likely will, too. As of now, it's sold one copy through Smashwords and made me .73c. But that's .73c I didn't have yesterday, so that's cool with me.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5kN0CLmejrwsB8ZwH-wuS7twPOxFHZcEJ9MWuRkGvLPzCn1cgWJ4l4cfvALl7ydJxbbpXgORzdATeYALD2HOPMRmgw9wyihnJY1BWKO5qWiz8GtjgV5gg9mnV_t2k2pQJmgcA6Fkru18/s1600/become-a-writer-they-said.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Meme: Become a writer, they said. It will be fun, they said." border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5kN0CLmejrwsB8ZwH-wuS7twPOxFHZcEJ9MWuRkGvLPzCn1cgWJ4l4cfvALl7ydJxbbpXgORzdATeYALD2HOPMRmgw9wyihnJY1BWKO5qWiz8GtjgV5gg9mnV_t2k2pQJmgcA6Fkru18/s1600/become-a-writer-they-said.jpg" height="215" title="Demons, Funnels, and an Empty Checking Account: Why I Decided to Sell Short Fiction" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I don't think I'll be one of the lucky few making $500 a month off of it, but I also know I have a dozen more than can follow. It's the production time that's going to slow me down. I am writing two books right now, and don't have much time left over to market the older books plus edit, format, produce, and publish a buttload of short stories. But I'm going to try because, well, Protestant work ethic bequeathed to me by my Swedish and Scottish ancestors just will not quit. Why watch TV at night when you could work on 800 projects all at once?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">That's one thing about being a one-woman indie author show. You have to love it in order to live it. So here I am, loving it and living it, and wanting to help you do the same. I'll post updates here as needed to let you know how my short story experiment goes.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">If you want to check out Croatoa, you can get it from <a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00HPN0IQG" target="_blank">Amazon</a> or <a href="https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/395368" target="_blank">Smashwords</a>.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">To learn more about how I researched and wrote the story itself, check out this post on my website:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://jenniwiltz.com/turned-lost-colony-roanoke-short-story/" target="_blank">Croatoa: How I Turned the Lost Colony of Roanoke into a Short Story</a></span></div>
Jenni Wiltzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02661050256535845651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6016736003379634401.post-58599706534069830462014-01-02T20:23:00.000-08:002014-01-02T20:23:42.681-08:008 Things I Never Knew about the Donner Party<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7MpCXIbTnOoMtkkYm1CHfMoAtiFYhh_Wb55IEhU4N1KZXKN87HzAOmwOlQCv2Ext8Q4j_FtvnszB_Pmt4r-YocF0ObmF9ILmn-bWyoBXFMztipIA2S6VBoUZSkH8q1l2L41zfIOMVjC8/s1600/donner-party-dinner-party-meme.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Meme: Donner Party? I thought you said "dinner" party." border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7MpCXIbTnOoMtkkYm1CHfMoAtiFYhh_Wb55IEhU4N1KZXKN87HzAOmwOlQCv2Ext8Q4j_FtvnszB_Pmt4r-YocF0ObmF9ILmn-bWyoBXFMztipIA2S6VBoUZSkH8q1l2L41zfIOMVjC8/s320/donner-party-dinner-party-meme.jpg" title="8 Things I Never Knew about the Donner Party by Jenni Wiltz" width="269" /></a></div>
I spent this weekend doing nothing but reading <i>Ordeal by Hunger</i>, by George R. Stewart. It sat on my shelf for 10 years after a chance purchase in a Truckee bookstore. Now, I live about 70 miles from Donner Lake and can see that forbidding ridge of the Sierras from my living room. Then, a couple weeks ago, we had snow. This is not supposed to happen--we're only at 1,500 feet. But it <i>did</i> happen, and our pipes froze and our driveway iced, which is why I think I finally plucked this one off the shelf.<br />
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Going in, I knew what most people know: they were pioneers en route to California, got snowed in at Donner Lake, and died. I think at some point I must have known there was cannibalism involved. I was under no illusion that this was going to have a happy ending, but holy mother of God, I had no idea it was this bad. There's a lot I didn't know or didn't remember.<br />
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There's a lot no one tells you.<br />
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This is by no means an exhaustive summary. It's more a jumbled recollection of the moments that pierced the cold, cold veil of my shriveled heart.<br />
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<b>1. They were pretty much beaten before they ever reached the Sierra.</b> Just getting to California had exhausted them in every way. To get their wagons over the Wasatch mountains, they had to stand in front of the wagons with axes in their hands, making the damn road yard by yard. They had to cross the desert beneath the Great Salt Lake, a more fucked up route than other travelers because the Donner party took an ill-advised southern cutoff that wasted a shit-ton of time. Suffice to say, when someone tells you the next water is three days away but really it's seven, you're going to have a bad time. Blame that douche-bag Hastings, who told them, "No sweat. My cut-off is a piece of cake," and then ditched them, leaving behind notes that lied to them about how far away the next water was.<br />
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<b>2. They didn't like each other very much.</b> It would have been a shit trip under any circumstances. But in addition to the navigation issues, they also lost a bunch of cattle to the Paiutes, both through thievery and general marauding. No blame, just a statement of fact. All told, by the time they got to the eastern slope of the Sierra, they were tired, hungry, in need of supplies, and lacking tolerance for each other. If you and your sibling got on each other's nerves in the car as kids, imagine going on a six-month car ride where you had to build the road for the car by working in harmony with said sibling. I'm pretty sure Mother Teresa would have needed at least one time out.<br />
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<b>3. They weren't all stuck in one cabin, tent, or even general area.</b> There were three distinct cabins, with the two Donner families a whopping five miles behind them. When they got to Truckee Lake (now Donner Lake), it was about Halloween...and it started snowing like a mother-you-know-what. It didn't stop. They tried twice to get those big-ass wagons up and over the pass, but it just didn't happen. So they dropped back down on November 4 and realized they had to make camp on the eastern side of the pass until spring.<br />
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They set up some primitive cabins along the lake, with the Jacob and George Donner family groups about five miles back. The party had always been segregated by family groups (the Breens, the Donners, the Reeds, the Murphys, the Kesebergs, etc.), but now those segregations etched themselves in stone. Contact between family groups was generally limited to requests for help, which were usually ignored or fulfilled only grudgingly. There were 60 people: 19 men, 12 women, and 29 children, including toddlers. The men bore the brunt of the work--gathering firewood, attempting to hunt, etc. Suffice to say, it fucking sucked.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2Pr-ARj3tA3inSijQRgQCezNApwJQGh9-04ayHOpnMahNqnrFJaLdT-AKHdTG6uJtVYAn10SCnp7b8WPm_V4959zrKaCk543nbXPfJP3rNn3zYEI_hbcs1exKjF82Xu4Y0406_pNmUJE/s1600/bad-luck-brian-gets-invited-to-the-donner-party.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Bad Luck Brian meme: Invited to a party for the first time--the Donner Party" border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2Pr-ARj3tA3inSijQRgQCezNApwJQGh9-04ayHOpnMahNqnrFJaLdT-AKHdTG6uJtVYAn10SCnp7b8WPm_V4959zrKaCk543nbXPfJP3rNn3zYEI_hbcs1exKjF82Xu4Y0406_pNmUJE/s320/bad-luck-brian-gets-invited-to-the-donner-party.jpg" title="Bad Luck Brian says, "Sure, sounds like fun."" width="270" /></a></div>
At first, they had some food: a bear, a few remaining cattle, mice, and hides they boiled and used for soup. But when that runs out, what happens? Can you sit around a dank, dismal cabin full of sick and malnourished people, including your own children, and tell them they're going to die because there's nothing to eat? The first person to die was Baylis Williams. It was December 15, a month after making camp.<br />
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<b>4. One group escaped on foot.</b> On December 16, a group of 15 snow-shoed out, trying to cross the pass on foot. They were headed for Sutter's Fort in what would become Sacramento to beg for help and organize relief. But there was hardly any food left for those staying behind, let alone extra to send along with the people fleeing.<br />
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On the first day, they went four miles...all still on the eastern side of the pass, and still able to see the smoke from their families' cabins. The snow was so damn high and so damn soft that it took a long time to cross, even with the snowshoes.<br />
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They had each taken six days' rations. Every person had a strip of jerky as long as two fingers, three times a day. That's it. Now go walk miles in a ferocious snowstorm and climb the parts of the mountain that snow won't stick to and don't forget to gather firewood and take turns maintaining it at night and generally try to give a shit so much that your mind wills your body not to die. I'm not sure I could have done it. When Eddy, one of the men, found a half pound of bear meat in his pack that his wife had hoarded and packed in secret with a love note, I almost cried. <br />
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Four days out, they were exhausted, malnourished, snow-blind, and subject to hallucinations. One man lasted six days. On the sixth, he sat down, smoked his pipe, told the others he was coming soon, and waited to die.<br />
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The seventh day, they shared the bear meat.<br />
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The eighth day, they had nothing.<br />
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The ninth day, they had nothing. And it started to snow again. They were all skeletal, malnourished, weak, and frozen. What were the options? Finally, they broached the subject: draw lots to see who dies and who lives? Fight to the death, so at least whoever went down went down swinging? They decided it was too horrible, and they had to wait. It wasn't a long wait. That night, a man named Antonio died. A few hours later, Billy Graves died. A third man, Patrick Dolan, died a day later while they paused for Christmas Day. They waited another day. On the eleventh day, they did what they had to do. Two Indian guides and Eddy at first refused to eat. They trudged down the mountain, up and down canyons, through storms and conditions that make a Hieronymus Bosch painting look like Club Med. More dead than alive, they stumbled into a ranch on January 17. They'd started with 15 people, five women and ten men. Only two men made it out. All five women survived. (Yay, ladies.)<br /><br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD17AnWDxd49_QLks-99OQqVRYrKQbjFvJe8meKjxUiOpw0msQzk-oes5-dRSYqa2mmFwb-2IWWr1-kl07ZrbNDnd-0oFI1IZLgUhyphenhyphen7KadgRZDd9W38XqWjHdk-697VAQAFjaIYn1RGJY/s1600/reed-family-donner-meme.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Mr. and Mrs. Reed of the Donner Party" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD17AnWDxd49_QLks-99OQqVRYrKQbjFvJe8meKjxUiOpw0msQzk-oes5-dRSYqa2mmFwb-2IWWr1-kl07ZrbNDnd-0oFI1IZLgUhyphenhyphen7KadgRZDd9W38XqWjHdk-697VAQAFjaIYn1RGJY/s1600/reed-family-donner-meme.jpg" title="Mr. and Mrs. Reed can tell Bear Grylls to suck it; their whole family survived." /></a><br />
<b>5. There was gallows humor.</b> Back in the lake camp, things went from bad to worse. Terrible weather, vermin, sickness, malnutrition, starvation...you name it, it happened. George Donner had sliced his hand with a chisel. The wound festered and he didn't have the strength to fight the infection off. He also didn't have the strength to die. Old Mrs. Murphy went blind. A bunch of kids died. To keep the remaining ones alive, some of the corpses were dug up. Jacob Donner's wife, Elizabeth, said to her sister, "Guess what I cooked this morning? Shoemaker's arm." <br />
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<b>6. Rescue came in waves, organized and orchestrated poorly and often by people with little or no snow/mountaineering experience.</b> The snowshoers managed to send back several waves of rescuers, some more willing and able than others. The first wave of rescuers crossed the pass and realized what a terrible state everyone was in. They brought out everyone who was able to walk and not needed to care for the ones left behind--23 people, with 17 staying behind. The walkers included three children three years old. Tommy Reed was one of them. He made it two miles before it became painfully obvious that he couldn't keep stepping through the enormous drifts. His sister, Patty, was also doing poorly. They were holding up the rest of the group. The rescue coordinator Glover, told the childrens' mother the two little ones had to go back to camp. No one had enough strength to carry the two children (the rescuers had run into storm and supply troubles of their own). Their mother sent them back to the camp and continued on with the rescue party. "Well, mother," Patty said, "if you never see me again, do the best you can." <i>Oh holy Jesus, tear my heart out, why don't you...</i><br />
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A second rescue party included two men who had already escaped with the snowshoe party, Reed and McCutchen. They both had kids still starving at the camp and had to go back. Their party rescued the Breen family, the Graves family, a couple of the Donner kids, and Reed's two kids who had been sent back. As they struggled down the mountain on the other side of the pass, the Breens and the Graves could go no further. The rest pressed on. I've seen the word "abandoned" used to describe the Breens and Graves after the others marched on. I don't think you can use this word in that context. It seems too cruel. It was what it was. No one can pass judgment who didn't go through it.<br />
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A third rescue party, including Eddy and Foster (both escapees via snowshoe), went back into hell to try and save their children, both too young to have made it out with the other parties. But by the time they got there on March 13, Eddy's wife and child were already dead. A man named Keseberg seems to have eaten them. Elizabeth Donner was dead. Her husband, Jacob Donner, was dead...and partially eaten. George Donner was ill but clinging to life. His wife, Tamsen, refused to leave him. Rescuers told her they weren't sure if and when a third rescue party would make it. She stayed.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCBzNVG66vJjdYSWXditAOvypldxyIOmjRTfof-OxwIsYkX7axeZILJw2Lj6oji2h1NPPOvuAO2jDiW5rA3zfyG85wa1thBAS6PX8IfoRV315WXPOz6BvXGErDKGgAYKnyJJwoWowgQdE/s1600/donner-party-of-one.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Meme: Donner, Part of One: Your Table Is Ready" border="0" height="294" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCBzNVG66vJjdYSWXditAOvypldxyIOmjRTfof-OxwIsYkX7axeZILJw2Lj6oji2h1NPPOvuAO2jDiW5rA3zfyG85wa1thBAS6PX8IfoRV315WXPOz6BvXGErDKGgAYKnyJJwoWowgQdE/s320/donner-party-of-one.jpg" title="Donner, Party of One" width="320" /></a></div>
<b>7. One of the survivors was accused of murdering Tamsen Donner.</b> This is weird, you guys. So Keseberg was one of the last left in the camp. When the third rescue party arrived, they found him alone with a pot of what might have been human entrails and/or blood. They asked where everyone was, but Keseberg said they were all dead. They checked the Donner tents five miles away and found George Donner dead and wrapped in a sheet--obviously Tamsen had outlived him. They found no sign of her body, though. They went back and asked Keseberg where she was. He said Tamsen appeared at his cabin one night, drenched to the bone from a fall in the creek. She said George had died and she now wanted to cross the pass on foot to get to her children. He bundled her up for the night, but she was dead by morning. This didn't jive with the rescuers, who had seen Tamsen on rescue waves one and two. The healthiest of all the settlers, she didn't seem likely to die after one cold night. But they couldn't find a body anywhere. Keseberg said he'd eaten her--that she was the best-tasting of them all because she still had a little fat. However, if this was true, where were the remains? The head, for example? Jacob Donner's split skull had been recovered, even after the brains were eaten. Where was Tamsen? Was Keseberg lying? If so, why?<br />
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It struck some of the rescuers that Keseberg might have killed her. The Donners were wealthy, and maybe he thought he could scrounge their belongings to find cash or valuables. They got him out of that horrible death camp and tried him when they'd made it to safety. He was acquitted, but made to pay all the costs of the trial. Keseberg seems to have changed his story later in life, saying he did not participate in cannibalism. No one will ever know. <br />
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<b>8. Some of the survivors ended up near where I grew up.</b> It's not all doom and gloom, which is why I saved this point for last. The <i>entire</i> Breen family survived, 7 kids and 2 parents. They settled in San Juan Bautista, in an adobe near the mission I've seen a dozen times. I never knew. The entire Reed family survived, 3 kids and 2 parents. They settled in San Jose. I never knew. There are still Donner descendants in the state. Even Keseberg has at least one descendant in the state.<br />
<br />
This is one of those stories that hits you in the nuts <i>and</i> the guts. I read this book faster than any fiction I've read in the past two years. I couldn't do anything else afterward but keep looking for more information on this event and these people. I just sat back, breathless, in awe of what these people went through. I could not have done it. Their will to live was so much stronger than anything I've felt in my entire life. That is both my shame and their honor.Jenni Wiltzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02661050256535845651noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6016736003379634401.post-69363347818332027192013-12-24T11:56:00.000-08:002013-12-24T11:56:19.224-08:00Merry ChristmasWhen I was little, my mom made me write thank-you notes for any birthday, Christmas, or graduation gifts I received. I hated it at the time, but now I understand that it's one of those niceties that makes the world go around. <br />
<br />
This post is a thank-you to everyone who has read the blog this year. To everyone who has commented, thank you. To everyone who lurks, thank you. <br />
<br />
I hope you have a chance to reconnect with friends and family over the next few days. (Writers: even if they drive you bonkers, this is valuable material. Keep a notebook handy.) I've got some cool things planned for 2014 that will help all of us become better writers, better readers, and hopefully, better people. I'd love to have you along for the journey.<br />
<br />
If, like my husband, you're about to be dragged through a family circus that isn't what you really want to be doing, remember: your attendance and your smile is a gift to the person who brought you. As Bill and Ted said, "Be excellent to each other."<br />
<br />
May your eggnog be spiked...with love or whiskey, whichever you prefer. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrq9fkXhWg-muJo7BX9xk-skT8MwGH01h7BUAfKxI0sH6LyVrN0OtqNr1nEr36uas26HV6siQNjj6Wga8ro45aMhXgWZm_ZUCBM7E5ipSpNuPBIIv8BuXkKx-OPPYZMCCHwoV1NnOguTk/s1600/lutefisk-chef-christmas.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Merry Christmas from Jenni Wiltz" border="0" height="385" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrq9fkXhWg-muJo7BX9xk-skT8MwGH01h7BUAfKxI0sH6LyVrN0OtqNr1nEr36uas26HV6siQNjj6Wga8ro45aMhXgWZm_ZUCBM7E5ipSpNuPBIIv8BuXkKx-OPPYZMCCHwoV1NnOguTk/s400/lutefisk-chef-christmas.png" title="Merry Christmas from Jenni Wiltz" width="400" /></a></div>
Jenni Wiltzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02661050256535845651noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6016736003379634401.post-91942310281108323752013-12-15T19:15:00.000-08:002013-12-17T19:39:54.063-08:00Book Review: Inferno by Dan Brown<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWAqhnObEbz20FLVxNjp_-LQqmJD8UIGSWnSuPZk_iK4-Y4yQ9ORT96dL5DQAZI3aUeBnqmHWvFC8pHsgtfUTIOOJGBTvJWnG5LsCzWDmaaqMNu3ugvFoqmZjX9HcSmIx45z6sfePGMk0/s1600/Inferno-by-Dan-Brown.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Inferno by Dan Brown" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWAqhnObEbz20FLVxNjp_-LQqmJD8UIGSWnSuPZk_iK4-Y4yQ9ORT96dL5DQAZI3aUeBnqmHWvFC8pHsgtfUTIOOJGBTvJWnG5LsCzWDmaaqMNu3ugvFoqmZjX9HcSmIx45z6sfePGMk0/s1600/Inferno-by-Dan-Brown.jpg" title="Book Review by Jenni Wiltz: Inferno by Dan Brown" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Inferno</i> by Dan Brown. <br />
It's ablaze, all right, but with what? <br />
That's up for debate.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<i>Note:</i> This post is being sponsored by Grammarly. I used Grammarly's <a href="http://www.grammarly.com/plagiarism-checker/" target="_blank">plagiarism detector</a> because I wanted to watch it have a conniption fit over <i>Inferno</i>'s purple prose.<br />
------------------------------------------------<br />
<br />
I'm not normally at a loss for words when it comes to talking about books. But Dan Brown's Inferno might have gotten the best of me.<br />
<br />
I just can't think of anything to say.<br />
<br />
It's a book.<br />
<br />
It's not good.<br />
<br />
Can we just call it a night? <br />
<br />
No? <br />
<br />
Damn it. I should have known you'd expect more of me, dear readers. <i>Inferno</i> is not a good book. It's also not hate-worthy in the manner of some of the other books I've blogged about here. It doesn't inspire vitriol. It doesn't inspire anything at all. Perhaps that's the whole problem.<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGWcCgcCmVZvJlIQC_MYmtZPr3QTMcRgWbojFI2YXJ_RQLF4iWF0heUq4ZVR6UOO7i4wCaMP_SEYmhQSYjCqlX__qAjXBwB_EH2lgB3fMRSFzifD50Y6M9OPagYBqkVoDerTOETElzZxo/s1600/confession-bear-da-vinci-code.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Confession Bear: I Liked the DaVinci Code" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGWcCgcCmVZvJlIQC_MYmtZPr3QTMcRgWbojFI2YXJ_RQLF4iWF0heUq4ZVR6UOO7i4wCaMP_SEYmhQSYjCqlX__qAjXBwB_EH2lgB3fMRSFzifD50Y6M9OPagYBqkVoDerTOETElzZxo/s1600/confession-bear-da-vinci-code.jpg" title="Book Review: Inferno by Dan Brown" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Confession Bear says, "Don't be a book snob."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b>Great Expectations</b><br />
Let me start by saying I loved <i>The DaVinci Code</i>. Yes, the insults hurled at the book by book snobs are probably mostly true. But applying literary fiction's criteria to Dan Brown is like cursing at an apple because it isn't round and orange and you can't remove the peel in one of those nifty spirals. If you didn't know that going in, you're either blind or humorless or both.<br />
<br />
Being a page-turner is an accomplishment. Books that make you stay up late at night to find out what happens next are, by definition, good books. You have another option--going to sleep at a normal hour, like a sane person--but you choose the book. If you have another option but you choose the book, the book is doing something right. For me, <i>The DaVinci Code</i> was crack...or whichever potato chips have the slogan, "Bet you can't eat just one." I couldn't read just one page. I couldn't turn out the light.<br />
<br />
TL;DR: It's a good fucking book.<br />
<br />
<b>Dante's Pique</b><br />
<i>Inferno</i> is not a good fucking book. It's even worse than a bad book. It's a boring book.<br />
<br />
It's like when you're in college and your professor is talking, and you try to listen, but he's off on a tangent about some facet of his grad school research that matters only to him. It's 2:15 in the afternoon and his voice drones on like that guy who says, "Bueller?" You listen for an hour, but your watch says it's only 2:18. You start fidgeting to try and not fall asleep. But that gets boring, too. And then you get a little angry. You're paying for this class, after all. By the time 3:00 actually rolls around, you're not glad to be alive. You're pissed at the professor (for wasting everyone's time) and the university (for throwing away the student evaluations that say how boring he is). You would rather have been in the library doing research for your Victorian Lit paper. At least you'd have checked something off your to-do list that way.<br />
<br />
That's <i>Inferno</i> in a nutshell. This Twitter account would have been a better use of your time:<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2RqrTg7eaAjyYR4Oz2jZHklop1NIMadLxb8HICWQ0-s0UjI9-lWLag3mahwZu8QZhG6SGjAyoCbl92nd90JnbUQcP7sueOhR-SH8ggz3Hi6pxBEoV0hQI4sM8rxUEXDs6lSGPjloUZ9k/s1600/nunferno.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Dan Vinci's Nunferno Twitter account" border="0" height="107" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2RqrTg7eaAjyYR4Oz2jZHklop1NIMadLxb8HICWQ0-s0UjI9-lWLag3mahwZu8QZhG6SGjAyoCbl92nd90JnbUQcP7sueOhR-SH8ggz3Hi6pxBEoV0hQI4sM8rxUEXDs6lSGPjloUZ9k/s640/nunferno.jpg" title="Read Nunferno, not Inferno by Dan Brown" width="540" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b><br /></b>
<b><br /></b>
<b><br /></b>
<br />
<b>10 Things I Hate about You +1, for a Grand Total of 11...Because I'm Feeling Bitchy that Way</b><br />
When I started reading, I took notes on things I thought I'd blog about...but I stopped caring about 150 pages in. Then I started counting the number of times I fell asleep while reading it and got close to double digits. In order not to waste the time I spent making the list, here's a few of the things that ticked me off before page 150:<br />
<ul>
<li><b>Adverbs</b></li>
<ul>
<li>"Langdon battled the sedatives and awkwardly hoisted himself upright in his bed."</li>
<li>Because when I've been shot in the head and wake up groggy with amnesia, it really needs to be specified that my first movement is an awkward one. </li>
</ul>
<li><b>Exclamation point</b></li>
<ul>
<li>"A ray of hope cut through Langdon's grogginess. 'That's good news! Maybe this person knows what happened to me!'" </li>
<li>Because when I've been shot in the head and wake up groggy with amnesia, the first thing I do is make nothing but excited declarative statements. </li>
</ul>
<li><b>Statements of things that make no sense</b></li>
<ul>
<li>"<i>Who are you!?</i> he called out in silence." </li>
<li>If only someone had invented a word that meant having words go through your head without speaking them. Someone get the call-out-in-silence tank on the phone and ask them about it. </li>
</ul>
<li><b>Repetition for no point whatsoever</b></li>
<ul>
<li>"...every operative on board sensed there was some kind of high-stakes operation going on. <i>The stakes are inconceivably high, and Vayentha had better get it right this time.</i>" </li>
<li>I don't know about you, but I never believe the stakes are high unless I'm told twice in rapid succession using a variety of typefaces. </li>
</ul>
<li><b>Way too many uses of "?!" </b></li>
<ul>
<li>"I beg your pardon!?" </li>
<li>Using this redundant form of punctuation makes it look like Brown doesn't know the difference between a statement and a question. I'm at a loss here, folks. I have never seen so many uses of "?!" in my life. I'm convinced Dan Brown has a "thou shalt not edit me" clause in his contract. This had me tearing out my hair, and with a 500 page book, that's a lot of hair. I'm bald now, actually. Thanks, Dan Brown. Thanks a lot.</li>
</ul>
<li><b>Moments where the characters say really dumb things</b></li>
<ul>
<li>"Langdon teetered on the brink of consciousness. <i>Someone is trying to kill me?"</i></li>
<li>No shit, Sherlock. That's probably a reasonable conclusion when someone comes into your hospital wing, shoots your doctor right in front of you, and then takes aim. This is a character with a PhD who has been through this drill in three prior books. Is it really such a big surprise when it happens again? </li>
</ul>
<li><b>Moments where the characters do really dumb things</b></li>
<ul>
<li>In the book, while on the run from people trying to kill him, Langdon checks his Harvard email. I literally screamed at the book: "You stupid fuck! You've been on three adventures where people are hunting you the way fat kids hunt cake, where your survival hinges on hiding your location. You STILL haven't learned what an IP address is?"</li>
</ul>
</ul>
<div>
<ul>
<li><b>A disturbing lack of useful history and symbology</b></li>
<ul>
<li>They play so much less of a role in this book than in <i>The DaVinci Code</i>. There's one moderately intriguing art world mystery raised (<i>cerca trova</i>), but it's not solved or referred to again after it points the characters toward the villain's plot. Never mind the rest of us who find the historical mystery more intriguing. </li>
</ul>
<li><b>Dante seems integral to the story, but he's not</b></li>
<ul>
<li>He's a set piece. At its heart, nothing about the main conflict has a damn thing to do with Dante. The main conflict could have happened in any country, with any author who ever wrote a poem about death. It could have easily been T.S. Eliot, with <i>The Waste Land</i> standing in for the <i>Inferno</i>. Dante's just a red herring, a fancy set piece. Malthus is doing the heavy lifting here, but no one gives a crap about Malthus, so they needed Dante to bring sexy back. </li>
</ul>
<li><b>The main conflict isn't even resolved, despite nearly 500 pages</b></li>
<ul>
<li>The book ends with a huge problem looming. We, the reader, knew what the problem was from the very beginning. We just had to wait for the characters to catch up. And then they do. And then nothing else happens. Seeing that the crisis looming is a big one, this seems either like a sequel setup (please, no) or a writer who's too bored with his own story to wrap it up. SPOILER ALERT: the looming problem is that humanity will be destroyed within a couple generations by a secret virus. What are the good people of the world doing about it? We don't know. The book's over. Have a nice day.</li>
</ul>
<li><b>Everything is boring</b></li>
<ul>
<li>The chase scenes are so long-winded you forget who and what the characters are running from. There's no historical mystery that you'd bite your own fingers off to solve. It's all about some stupid modern-day plague. The suspense is supposed to be in whether Langdon can stop it. But didn't they already do this in Mission Impossible 2? With better actors? I'll take Tom Cruise over Tom Hanks any day.</li>
</ul>
</ul>
If I tried, I could probably come up with a few more things to say. But what's the point?<br />
<br />
Go read a good book instead.</div>
Jenni Wiltzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02661050256535845651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6016736003379634401.post-58180475870896843902013-11-25T08:30:00.000-08:002013-11-25T08:30:03.062-08:00Happy Thanksgiving, Y'all: Here's the Story of My Ancestor Who Was Hung as a Witch<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGs11tXd6ptaHHrbxdbYxmDMoQNk3Euqa8bFw12mOeXHPtDjdOJ7-9MSNb_qzYlzzIbT95SnpcSbXGh1w6hggwDJaFDVQMtFnWgOopM_F4IHNufC9B6PYTAR-1Mjf8uCtkQzaxCFBwkYY/s1600/witchcraft-meme.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Puritan: LOL, a bird. Must be witchcraft." border="0" height="151" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGs11tXd6ptaHHrbxdbYxmDMoQNk3Euqa8bFw12mOeXHPtDjdOJ7-9MSNb_qzYlzzIbT95SnpcSbXGh1w6hggwDJaFDVQMtFnWgOopM_F4IHNufC9B6PYTAR-1Mjf8uCtkQzaxCFBwkYY/s200/witchcraft-meme.jpg" title="" width="200" /></a></div>
My 10th great-grandmother was hung as a witch in Connecticut. You've probably heard of the <a href="http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history-archaeology/brief-salem.html" target="_blank">Salem Witch Trials</a>, which took place in the early 1690s. Well, my homegirl beat them to it by getting herself hung in 1663.<br />
<br />
As we're eating turkey and giving thanks for how awesome things are in our country and our lives, don't forget that the path to all-American awesomeness is strewn with bodies: Native Americans, mostly, but also some white people other white people didn't like very much. <br />
<br />
We're not really sure what her maiden name was, but her first name was Rebecca. (My middle name, in case you were wondering.) She married a man named Abraham Elson, and had a daughter named Sarah who is my 9th great-grandmother. Abraham died, and Rebecca married a man named Jarvis Mudge. He died, too, and she married a third time to a man named Nathaniel Greensmith. Rebecca Greensmith is the name she died with.<br />
<br />
She and Nathaniel lived in Hartford, Connecticut. They were not liked. Nathaniel had been in trouble with the law at least three times, once for stealing wheat, once for stealing a hoe, and once for battery. A local reverend, John Whiting, called Rebecca "a lewd, ignorant and considerably aged woman." Because everyone knows being an "aged woman" is some intolerable shit for Puritans. <br />
<br />
People had been on the lookout for witches for awhile--the very <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alse_Young" target="_blank">first suspected witch in the colonies</a> was hung in Hartford in 1647. But now, in 1662, shit really hit the fan. It started, as it did in Salem, with the accusations of a girl. Before she died, John Kelley's 8-year-old daughter Elizabeth cried out in her delirium that her neighbor, Goodwife Ayres, was "tormenting her."<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhim3iKnPbOAO9DrQwHfuOkjhZ6UMCLMsuiSL5wc0d_vyFnOzmpOFPsRiPVRf__6aIiLJOK77EPmAX4-5nh67e0ycQblFMGbh0DsULgXclvquFZ1mB85LfwocDOAP4hBYoBDLg3Tl0V2tQ/s1600/witchcraft-starter-kit.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Witchcraft starter kit: cute kitty in a fake cauldon" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhim3iKnPbOAO9DrQwHfuOkjhZ6UMCLMsuiSL5wc0d_vyFnOzmpOFPsRiPVRf__6aIiLJOK77EPmAX4-5nh67e0ycQblFMGbh0DsULgXclvquFZ1mB85LfwocDOAP4hBYoBDLg3Tl0V2tQ/s1600/witchcraft-starter-kit.jpg" title="Witchcraft Starter Kit" /></a></div>
Not long afterward, John Cole's daughter, Anne, freaked the fuck out. She started having "fits" and said Satan's minions were messing with her. She named Elizabeth Seager as a witch, and someone (it might have been Anne) said Rebecca was a witch, too. Nathaniel and Rebecca were already disliked within the community, so it's not hard to see how they fell under suspicion. Rebecca was arrested in late 1662.<br />
<br />
Hard-ass Puritan ministers took control of the situation, interrogating the accused. Reverend Samuel Stone, Reverend Joseph Haynes, and <a href="http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=54937586" target="_blank">Reverend Samuel Hooker</a> played bad cop/worse cop/abysmal cop, and Rebecca admitted that under Haynes's questioning, she could have "torn him in pieces." Satanic strength notwithstanding, Haynes survived unscathed.<br />
<br />
Under interrogation, Rebecca confessed to witchcraft. She said she and some other folks used to meet out in the fields at night to booze it up. One of the women present said she would do bad things to the town marshal if she could. That's all the evidence they needed back in the day. Empty field + night time + booze + (heaven forbid) dancing = a genuine goddamn coven. Increase Mather took Rebecca's confession as definitive proof that witches were real.<br />
<br />
Anxious for all the dirty details, her interrogators asked her whether she made a covenant with the devil. She said no, but that she had promised to go with him when he called. He was supposed to be back on Christmas, and that's when the covenant would be signed. She said the devil first appeared to her as a deer, and other times as a crow. Lord knows you can't trust animals. Not even once.<br />
<br />
On December 30, 1662, both Rebecca and Nathaniel were indicted on charges of witchcraft.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9mFb7FhcclXPZVjnYblFCWrO5fV2obzCn27RiSLER-3fF1GphMg54Bdf0Tjaq6ioipAMeIxpXncyxyN20BQn2jCb8-tgrWIcuznePVbmi_Cva7wONir5_5y4-sJVnZkz_ZaNWgHVAnvg/s1600/witchraft-inigo-montoya-meme.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Witchcraft Inigo Montoya meme" border="0" height="276" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9mFb7FhcclXPZVjnYblFCWrO5fV2obzCn27RiSLER-3fF1GphMg54Bdf0Tjaq6ioipAMeIxpXncyxyN20BQn2jCb8-tgrWIcuznePVbmi_Cva7wONir5_5y4-sJVnZkz_ZaNWgHVAnvg/s320/witchraft-inigo-montoya-meme.jpg" title="Witchcraft meme" width="320" /></a></div>
On January 8, 1663, Rebecca said that although he hadn't confessed, she had doubts about Nathaniel's innocence. She said he was pretty old and weak, but that he somehow did lots of chores and outdoor work. Plus, it was pretty damn suspicious that he was friendly with some foxes and other woodland creatures.<br />
<br />
The jury found them both guilty.<br />
<br />
On January 25, 1662, Nathaniel and Rebecca were hung on "Gallows Hill," the present site of <a href="http://www.trincoll.edu/AboutTrinity/mission/Pages/History.aspx" target="_blank">Trinity College</a>.<br />
<br />
"Witches" were also hung in Massachusetts, New Hampshire, and Virginia. Their names have all since been legally cleared, not helpful at all to the victims but somewhat helpful for the families and descendants. Not so in Connecticut. All of these folks are still officially on record as being guilty.<br />
<br />
Even if the genealogical research that seems to link me to this woman proves to be faulty (as so much of it is), I'll always remember her story...and the dark side of what we celebrate every Thanksgiving.Jenni Wiltzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02661050256535845651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6016736003379634401.post-56213324017624626062013-11-15T20:49:00.002-08:002013-11-15T20:49:46.091-08:00Why I Won't Watch The Hunger Games: Catching Fire<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7txkYMcBmVf0aVmMa6wwwYT-qJiXBBP4DyRv_Yo8-g5W2nvmz9jhvovEoqjg6fT9pJvooWzw5808k8psD-6TjlgPoEh0CmewGXcHiOoe8_hv6CrZ63dkS_uGD1jtGvqXdpDDr8AemQrk/s1600/am-i-the-only-one-that-hates-the-hunger-games.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Meme: Am I the Only One that Hates the Hunger Games?" border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7txkYMcBmVf0aVmMa6wwwYT-qJiXBBP4DyRv_Yo8-g5W2nvmz9jhvovEoqjg6fT9pJvooWzw5808k8psD-6TjlgPoEh0CmewGXcHiOoe8_hv6CrZ63dkS_uGD1jtGvqXdpDDr8AemQrk/s200/am-i-the-only-one-that-hates-the-hunger-games.jpg" title="Why I Won't See The Hunger Games: Catching Fire" width="195" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I hated the first <i>Hunger Games</i> movie. Like, hated it. It was one of the worst movies I've ever seen. My husband walked out (well, walked out of our living room, where I'd paid $1 to Redbox it). I used the fast-forward button to get through the last 20-30 minutes of the movie because I couldn't take it anymore. Hate me, flame me, put vitriolic in the comments, but I just don't see what the big deal is with this franchise.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Bear with me, because I'm trying to remember exactly why I disliked this movie so much based on a single viewing of almost a year ago. Here's the list, as best I can reconstruct it, in no particular order:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>1. I expected more in the romance department.</b> <i>The Hunger Games</i> is often touted as a superior alternative to <i>Twilight</i>, which is nothing but romance (creepy romance, supernatural romance, high school romance, call it what you will, but it's a romance). I failed to find a smidgen of comparable romance in this movie. Was there any shadow of real human emotion between any of the three characters supposedly involved in this love triangle? Can it even be called a triangle when one of the participants (played by Liam Hemsworth) was in the movie for all of five minutes? That's not a triangle. It's a straight line with a wart on it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">That leaves us with Peeta and Katniss, a couple with the worst on-screen chemistry since Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant in that horrible witness protection program movie, or Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman in <i>Australia</i>. He passes out in a cave, and she loves him? Or pretends to love him for the cameras? I'm not sure and I don't care. The concept of someone faking a relationship for publicity's sake was beaten to death during Kim Kardashian's first marriage. Better actors don't improve the storyline for me. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4aeuA5Nr2lkdeC_SCTwHod28BDcCxv7eWmqUMbRebwaWNuA3GXYClNTV5MryT-nttScZvl9Y640RXGBiQxO6-w8fXxRkSBVfcNBzErfeWotSrFxREHwZK-ww21bH4UrCZ8Vfu7OnH6sc/s1600/hunger-games-katniss-peeta-meme.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Peeta + Katniss = Peenis" border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4aeuA5Nr2lkdeC_SCTwHod28BDcCxv7eWmqUMbRebwaWNuA3GXYClNTV5MryT-nttScZvl9Y640RXGBiQxO6-w8fXxRkSBVfcNBzErfeWotSrFxREHwZK-ww21bH4UrCZ8Vfu7OnH6sc/s400/hunger-games-katniss-peeta-meme.jpg" title="The Stupid Names of The Hunger Games" width="240" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>2. The names.</b> I'm not even going to talk about how ridiculous I feel typing the word "Peeta." It's like "Pee," but it just keeps going. Names are important. I do not care for these. Give me Benjen Stark or Darth Maul or Gandalf the Grey. Peeta does not merit further discussion. Katniss sounds like tarted-up catnip. Everdeen is a line of non-stick cookware sold by Paula Deen.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>3. I don't care about the main character.</b> Like, at all. Katniss is more than flat--she's borderline dislikable for me. Sure, she's meant to be introspective and self-reliant and brave, all admirable qualities, but also boring to watch. Most of the time, we're staring at J Law's blank face. I hoped she'd get angry. Get upset. Reveal something. Do something interesting. I got bored by how capable she was at keeping her emotions under wraps. No one wants to watch Michelangelo paint an apartment wall white. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">For comparison's sake, I thought about a prickly-loner character that I did care about: Rambo. Similar setup--a person alone, manipulated by governments and superiors into situations that risk life and limb. He doesn't talk much, doesn't like people, and yet I root for the guy. I want to watch him triumph. I want him to get the pat on the back that no one else has ever given him. He wants something good, and everything bad that he does is in service of his goal. I get that Katniss volunteered to save her sister. It was noble, and it should have had the same effect on me as Rambo's sacrifices, but it just didn't. I also hate kids. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Another Stallone comparison springs to mind: his lone-wolf rock climber in <i>Cliffhanger</i>. Stallone is either much better than J-Law at using his face to reveal enough emotion to make you care, or his director gives him more leeway to do so. His features can fall, perk up, or reveal anger with no words written into the script. Does he look cheesy doing so? Sure. But it's entertaining. If J-Law can do these things, the director needs to start asking her to. She has an Oscar now. Forced heavy breathing and a blank-faced stare are no longer sufficient. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">If you say, "Sure, but Stallone is ridiculous and Jennifer Lawrence is an actress with a capital A," I say, "Stallone is ridiculous to the tune of $1,861,069,518 </span><span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">box office dollars and counting. Plus, he's Rocky." And don't tell me this movie is afraid of ridiculous. It has Woody Harrelson as a role model. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;"><b>4. The suspense was flat.</b> Obviously, Katniss isn't going to die. There are more books, which means there are more movies. Seeing her in a life-and-death situation is only going to end one way. So what else am I supposed to give a crap about? I want to see her tested or changed or humbled. None of those things happened. She climbed some trees and shot some things. Great. Thanks for the memories. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;"><b>5. Those stupid dog-like things chasing them at the end.</b> The interwebs tell me they are called "muttations," which is another name that makes me want to listen to nails on a chalkboard. The interwebs also tell me that the creatures were used differently in the movie than in the book. The movie is my only reference here, and as far as the creepy-creature-chasing-the-hero concept goes, I've been there, done that...they're called hell-hounds, and they're in Supernatural. Want to see that stuff done right? Check out season 5, episode 10 ("Abandon All Hope...") where Jo and Ellen buy the farm to give Sam and Dean a snowball's chance of stopping Lucifer from launching the apocalypse. I cry every time. More suspense, better tragedy, better character development, better everything.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>6. I felt nothing while watching it.</b> Except a profound longing for it to end. Yeah, it was sad when Rue died. But one tender moment didn't redeem the movie as a whole. I get the feeling I was supposed to be frightened, sad, horrified, excited, worried, and a whole bunch of other things that never crossed my mind. But everything was strangely antiseptic. I can't be worried for a character who is part of a trilogy. Everyone in the city is a dick. Half of the other kids in the games were dicks. I don't care about the downtrodden losers Katniss left behind. Want to see real suffering? Read about Russians during the first half of World War II. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>7. I did not like the world-building.</b> I just didn't buy that part of the U.S. looks like an Andrew Wyeth painting circa 1940, while the other part looked like humans impersonating Muppets among the sets from <i>Death Race</i>. I couldn't believe that this is what happened to our country, that the world we live in now became the world I saw on that screen. And if I couldn't believe that, I couldn't believe anything else that happened, either. Maybe more of this is explained in the book, which I have NOT read, but it was NOT explained in the film. Let me attempt to summarize what I saw: part of the U.S. rebelled against some future government, things went horribly awry, the place is now called Panem, and parts of it got sent back to the stone age. What happened to electronics? Where are things like power poles? And cars? And paved roads? Did every piece of technology invented after WWII just vanish from particular areas? Did fashion revert to the 1940s, too? I'm confused. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>8. A dress that's on fire?</b> You have to be kidding me. The Golden Gate Bridge couldn't suspend my disbelief that far. Also, where are the jet packs and the holodeck? Why do they have flaming dresses but no jet packs? I'm confused.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I have never read the books. I'm not planning on reading the books. The first movie made me want to run screaming in the other direction from the entire franchise. This is not meant to be a critique of the book(s), since it's entirely possible all my objections are addressed there. This is a critique of the film itself, for someone who came to it without the background (or the suspension of disbelief) provided by the books. It failed. These people think so, too:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">#hungergames #catchingfire </span></div>
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Jenni Wiltzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02661050256535845651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6016736003379634401.post-38198090787572413652013-10-17T19:55:00.002-07:002013-10-17T19:55:38.249-07:00Strong Female Characters Are a Cop-Out<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4Td221Pe9nKniSeNe3LGrS5xKdQj1kn0xX2q4PbV26D3JGw-k6lz0cgANO4EdEZVTN_HJIxV5yhv2kWJQWb_GRZLtgNznP-AFxpUqDxXEcMsp0U-z37o1ZBCKk5jSeJII3B1t9Rbazsw/s1600/strongfemalecharacter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="What Makes a Strong Female Character?" border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4Td221Pe9nKniSeNe3LGrS5xKdQj1kn0xX2q4PbV26D3JGw-k6lz0cgANO4EdEZVTN_HJIxV5yhv2kWJQWb_GRZLtgNznP-AFxpUqDxXEcMsp0U-z37o1ZBCKk5jSeJII3B1t9Rbazsw/s320/strongfemalecharacter.jpg" title="What Makes a Strong Female Character?" width="236" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Witness the awesomeness <br />
of my photo editing skills.</td></tr>
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About two months ago, there was a lot of chatter about <a href="http://www.newstatesman.com/culture/2013/08/i-hate-strong-female-characters" target="_blank">this article on NewStatesman.com</a>--an essay on why the author hates the label "strong female character."<br />
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Here's the gist: "strong" has become another label that female characters now need to fit into. Princesses who know kung-fu, smart female characters who need to beat up a man for the audience to buy them as a bad-ass...it's become a trend, which devalues the whole idea.<br />
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<b>The One with the Chinese Food</b><br />
I hate the phrase "strong female character." It implies most women <i>aren't</i> strong, that there are so few strong ones we have to designate them with signs, like an endangered species. We call Chinese food Chinese food because it's <i>different</i>, not normal. In China, as the old joke on Friends goes, they just call it food.<br />
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It's hard to keep this discussion from devolving into semantics, the way it would in a grad school lit class (<i>"Who defines 'strong'? Isn't 'strong' just another construct created by the existing power structure?"</i>). I hate those kinds of discussions because they ignore what's real and here and now. It doesn't matter who defined it if the thing is what it is, and the "is" is what we all have to deal with. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirx8wrcSPr2-Aj_NWukEZ7osDyOWM_T6urwDphBNtMx2-D7EsQuOBS4soUyuCrKkFR9h3qRcOSoYxMfZe5RvzL46dza5SULFYjJ97_-U1GTgfQ_i6Sh4nWrzXia2sb7X2XyJlAESyHVFI/s1600/AmeliaEarhart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Amelia Earhart" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirx8wrcSPr2-Aj_NWukEZ7osDyOWM_T6urwDphBNtMx2-D7EsQuOBS4soUyuCrKkFR9h3qRcOSoYxMfZe5RvzL46dza5SULFYjJ97_-U1GTgfQ_i6Sh4nWrzXia2sb7X2XyJlAESyHVFI/s1600/AmeliaEarhart.jpg" title="Amelia Earhart" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Is she a strong female? <br />
Or does she need nunchaku?</td></tr>
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<b>Dealing with the "Is"</b><br />
Let's get back to the idea of a "strong female character." What the hell does that even mean? Who is this bastion of female badassery? Does she have physical prowess, a la Lara Croft? Is she scheming, like Cersei Lannister? Or does she have a spirit of adventure, like Amelia Earhart? If a character has all of these, she's too good to be true. If a character only has one, does it mean she's 2/3 weak? Which of these traits most conveys strength? Is it even possible to decide?<br />
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The recent flurry over "strong" female characters focuses on physical strength and mastery of the male characters. That's fine. I have no problem with that. If that's the tale those writers want to tell, they should arm their characters, male and female, with the resources needed to survive in that world. They'd be dead otherwise, and being dead would suck.<br />
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I <i>do</i> have a problem when female characters who don't know kung-fu or how to fire a 12-gauge aren't deemed strong. What if they can't do a single pull-up? What if they've lost every race they've ever run? It doesn't mean they can't fuck your shit up. It doesn't mean they're not strong within the world that author has created.<br />
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<b>Examples, You Ask?</b><br />
Let's look at two Disney villains. Would anyone say Maleficent is NOT a strong female character? I doubt it. She's intuitive. She's manipulative. She's regal. She delegates. She remembers shit. She can get her hands dirty when the situation calls for it. But she performs no special feats of strength. She has magic and minions to do her dirty work. Does that mean she isn't strong? Of course not. She's fearsome.<br />
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Ursula is a similar character of undeniable strength. She rules her under-the-sea kingdom with an iron fist. She's also intuitive and manipulative. She delegates . She remembers shit, too. But she's not going to do any pull-ups. She's not going to fire a gun. She does not know kung-fu. She's powered by rage, if anything. Does it mean she's not strong? I don't think so. She's a pretty powerful enemy.<br />
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So are these "strong female characters"? Or are they just characters?<br />
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<b>What about Examples from Actual Books?</b><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A Chuck Norris meme. <br />You had to know this was coming.</td></tr>
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When I think of strong female characters I've admired, they were all off-kilter in a way:<br />
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<li>Turtle, from <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/902.The_Westing_Game" style="font-style: italic;" target="_blank">The Westing Game</a> by Ellen Raskin. A 12-year old who packed her cavities with bourbon-soaked cotton balls. Who learned to play the stock market to try and win old man Westing's fortune. Who kicked the shin of anyone who messed with her. But was she physically strong? No. She was a girl.</li>
<li><a href="http://theprincesseilonwy.tumblr.com/" target="_blank">Princess Eilonwy</a>, from Lloyd Alexander's <i>Prydain Chronicles</i>. She was kind of a tomboy, preferring pants to petticoats. She wanted to go on adventures with the boys. She wanted to rough people up when they pissed her off, but wanting didn't always match her abilities. She talked a tough game, but it was just a game. She wasn't actually going to take on the Cauldron-Born herself. She couldn't.</li>
<li><a href="http://www.ameliapeabody.com/" target="_blank">Amelia Peabody</a>, from Elizabeth Peters's series of mysteries. Ah, Amelia. She also wasn't physically strong, no more than an average woman who gets out of the house and is active, hence her need for an iron-shafted parasol to bonk people on the head. But she was smart, funny, crafty, daring, and ferociously protective of the people she loved. She explored pyramids in an age when most women got winded dusting an endtable.</li>
<li>Honor Harris, from <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_King's_General" style="font-style: italic;" target="_blank">The King's General</a> by Daphne du Maurier. Holy crap. This woman survived a revolution using her wits alone. She was paralyzed from the waist down, which means she couldn't even move under her own power. There is nothing physical she could do to defeat an enemy. Yet she survived when lots of the other characters didn't. </li>
<li><a href="http://awoiaf.westeros.org/index.php/Arya_Stark" target="_blank">Arya Stark</a>, from <i>Game of Thrones</i> by George R. R. Martin and whoever writes all the TV show episodes. True, her character wants to learn to fight and wield a sword. But she kind of sucks at it. She's disarmed pretty much every time she tries to take someone on with her sword. But she's still alive when a hell of a lot of her family isn't. She's crafty. She's smart. She listens. She sticks up for her friends, at great peril to herself. She isn't afraid to say what she thinks, especially when she insists The Hound should die for killing her friend, a low-born butcher's boy. Any of the sword-wielding male characters could off her with a single stroke just to shut her up. But they don't. Does that mean she isn't strong? (Full disclosure: I've watched the show. I have not read the books yet.)</li>
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I want to see more characters like these. They're not perfect. They're not brilliant Harvard-educated astrophysicists who also look like Eastern European supermodels and who also have black belt kung-fu skills and who also like to wear black leather and get freaky in the bedroom. Too often, writers mistake "perfect" for "strong." At least until these "perfect" "strong" women have to be rescued by the hero. Then all that perfection just goes to waste.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">That's right. <br />The queen's a badass.</td></tr>
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Hell, Turtle Wexler doesn't even have basic oral hygiene down. But she won a fortune and beat out an apartment building full of adults, all theoretically older, wiser, and more experienced in the ways of the world. NO guns. NO kung-fu. NO physical skill of any kind. Honor Harris doesn't even have the use of her legs, and she cares for her lover when he's wounded in the English Civil War.<br />
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Strong is not muscle. Strong is not weapons. I am so tired of these two things being conflated with "strong" when it comes to discussing female characters. Can Joss Whedon write a strong female character without giving her strength or weapons?<br />
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"Strong" can't be taken out of the context of the work in which those female characters appear. It ruins everything to take a fictional character and hold her up to the same sunlight that illuminates my crows-feet. She's not next to me. She doesn't even exist. It can't and shouldn't be done.<br />
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She can only be judged on her strength in the world she lives in. How does she fare, mentally and physically, against other women and men? If she's only stronger than other women, how strong is that, really? If she's strong than some men and some women, she's doing slightly better than average. If she has the guts and smarts to beat out men and women and be the top dog in her book's world, she's a strong female character. Even if she can only do two push-ups, has never fired a gun, and flames don't shoot out of her eyes.Jenni Wiltzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02661050256535845651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6016736003379634401.post-48727954999094309522013-09-30T20:33:00.002-07:002013-09-30T20:33:39.176-07:00Why Having a Day Job Is Good for the Creativity<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXLrPtNesCO8OB7h5KEyHelVsnzYrWUXXihwyqMzWADqdLDqBWItmvd070uMCo7WS_LFbhSecQDbVSXEdljmYNZs1x-gBICyf_C_G4aOxNd0n72eZjPcWAut40_bGE632Loa_IZ1qLRZ4/s1600/Ruth-Brown-Snyder.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Ruth Brown Snyder" border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXLrPtNesCO8OB7h5KEyHelVsnzYrWUXXihwyqMzWADqdLDqBWItmvd070uMCo7WS_LFbhSecQDbVSXEdljmYNZs1x-gBICyf_C_G4aOxNd0n72eZjPcWAut40_bGE632Loa_IZ1qLRZ4/s320/Ruth-Brown-Snyder.jpg" title="Why Having a Day Job Is Good for the Creativity" width="252" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ruth Brown Snyder. In the electric chair.<br />If this doesn't creep you out,<br />I don't know what will.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Have you ever seen a photo of a woman being executed in the electric chair? You have now. But what do this woman, a day job, and the life of a working writer have in common?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I'll tell you.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I work full time, with an hour commute each way. All told, my time is not my own from 6:40 a.m. until 6:00 p.m. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">That's <i>a lot</i> of time that I can't control or do anything with. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">So when I start complaining, it's almost always about not having enough time to write new books and market existing books. I'm deeply, deeply jealous of writer friends who don't work and can spend all day toiling over marketing plans and promoting their books. I can't. And while this feels like a huge disadvantage most days, I'm trying to look on the bright side. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">So I found three ways my day job makes me a better writer.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>1. Money.</b> As Dean Koontz wrote in <i>How to Write Best Selling Fiction</i>, "Money is freedom; money is time; money is fame; money is respect; money is a yardstick of many things, but most of all, money is money." I have bills. Lots of them. So devoting 11+ hours a day to being able to pay them is not only necessary, but it helps my mental state remain unstressed and clear for writing. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">If all I'm doing is worrying about the electricity getting shut off or the car repossessed, I'm not going to give a crap about made-up people or worlds. In that respect, having a day job makes my non-office time all about what <i>I</i> want to do. I'm not looking for a job, stressing out, or drifting between friends, hoping someone will feed me for free. Every minute off the clock is spent planning, dreaming, or doing. Yes, you could argue that a true writer writes no matter what. But even true writers really need to eat. Plus, getting foreclosed would make it really hard to charge my laptop. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEge3nRHYYuoQnx5uBDXicb_ULX35aPnM7pHlqZP9zBZOeDKMhaXQUS48xuBpHoTZDXY0e-FfcKGIxA7rJ_VeRW-Kg2JnD5htkY1ZNAOHIUBY8UxBsIz7J-UFtR1HIOwxKYCb-veqzLy920/s1600/facebook-at-work-seo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Most Interesting man in the World" border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEge3nRHYYuoQnx5uBDXicb_ULX35aPnM7pHlqZP9zBZOeDKMhaXQUS48xuBpHoTZDXY0e-FfcKGIxA7rJ_VeRW-Kg2JnD5htkY1ZNAOHIUBY8UxBsIz7J-UFtR1HIOwxKYCb-veqzLy920/s200/facebook-at-work-seo.jpg" title="Most Interesting Man in the World" width="158" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>2. SEO and social media knowledge.</b> I'm a writer. But I also know a bit about SEO. And a bit about social media. I read most of the big SEO blogs and have two monitors at work, where the good folks of Google+ scroll by all day long, presenting helpful insider tips for me on marketing, social media, writing, self-publishing, and of course, life insurance. I file all that knowledge away in my brain (and, if my brain fails, Evernote) for the day when I have the time to unleash it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I wouldn't have been forced to learn as much about social media as I have without this job. I resisted it pretty heavily until my paycheck became partly dependent on it. I still resist it in part...I refuse to get a smartphone (no Instagram for me, folks). At the same time, I have license to check every network there is, absorb as much knowledge as I can, and learn as much as I can to deploy on command and for my own benefit (after hours, of course). I have more weapons at my disposal than I did before I had this job. In this world, marketing is everything. And I'm so much better at it now than I was before, when I thought marketing was posting a new book on this blog.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>3. The occasional stranger-than-fiction story that falls in my lap.</b> I write about life insurance, all day every day. To make sure I have something new to say, I have to dig into some pretty weird stories. One weird story involves the woman in the picture, Ruth Brown Snyder. I was writing a blog post about the movie <i>Double Indemnity</i>, where life insurance fraud is a plot point. Come to find out, the movie is based on a novella by James M. Cain, who based the story on a real-life insurance fraud case.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Check this shit out. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Ruth Brown Snyder was married to Albert Snyder, but having an affair with Henry Judd Gray. She told Gray that she wanted to convince her husband to get a life insurance policy and then kill him. Getting the husband to get a policy worked just fine. But she made seven (count 'em!) unsuccessful attempts to kill Albert before she and Gray decided to try something different. They garrotted Albert and made it look like a home invasion robbery. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">But there's some backstory you also need to know before we proceed. Why did Ruth want to kill Albert? It might have been because he made no secret of his real love, a woman named Jessie Guishard who died before she and Albert could be married. </span><span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">He loved her for years, which, you know, probably made Ruth feel awesome about herself. This guy talked about Jessie, kept her portrait on the wall, named his boat after her, and referred to her as "the finest woman I have ever met." I kinda feel for Ruth on this one. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Anyway, so the cops are investigating this supposed home invasion gone wrong. They think it's kind of weird that nothing actually went missing. When they found a paper with "J.G." on it, they asked Ruth who "J.G." was. Ruth asks them what Judd Gray (her lover) has to do with anything. But the cops weren't referring to Gray. They were referring to one of Albert's papers with "J.G." on it--Jesse Guishard. So Ruth just handed them her lover's name. (Way to go, Ruth.) Once the cops started looking at the name Ruth dropped, they put two and two together.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Ruth and Gray were arrested, tried, and found guilty of murder. Both were sentenced to death via the electric chair. Of course, all photography of the execution was forbidden. But reporter Tom Howard was from Chicago (not New York) and knew he wouldn't be recognized as a reporter on the scene. He rigged up a weird leg camera that would take pictures without anyone knowing. He snapped his shot, and it was plastered all over the front page of newspapers the next day. The photo was described as one of the most famous images of the 1920s. The camera Howard used to take the shot is now in the Smithsonian.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">James M. Cain was a reporter at the time of this trial. He wasn't covering it, but it was big news at the time. (Who did cover it? Mary Roberts Rinehart, D.W. Griffith, and Damon Runyan).<span style="font-family: inherit;"> When he wrote his novella, <i>Double Indemnity</i>, he interviewed some insurance agents in L.A. One told him, </span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 17.265625px; orphans: auto; widows: auto;"> "All the </span><i style="background-color: white; line-height: 17.265625px; orphans: auto; widows: auto;">big</i><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 17.265625px; orphans: auto; widows: auto;"> crime mysteries in this country are locked up in insurance company files, and the writer that gets wise to </span><i style="background-color: white; line-height: 17.265625px; orphans: auto; widows: auto;">that</i><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 17.265625px; orphans: auto; widows: auto;">...is going to make himself </span><i style="background-color: white; line-height: 17.265625px; orphans: auto; widows: auto;">rich</i><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 17.265625px; orphans: auto; widows: auto;">.</span>"</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0iIjNxzkFmT-erf2yEeU-bNiqaWaKm0RVZKlqeigmqLdy93qSkMNFKkLgYiCj-VLRhDsvjZUXsfj5QWfO1BIXY5-ez6sVnux3d9OxBQ_K75lUgUZlR5kcL-sadXc78bJzXmR75pX_wgo/s1600/money-y-u-no-grow-on-trees.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Money: Y U No Grow on Trees" border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0iIjNxzkFmT-erf2yEeU-bNiqaWaKm0RVZKlqeigmqLdy93qSkMNFKkLgYiCj-VLRhDsvjZUXsfj5QWfO1BIXY5-ez6sVnux3d9OxBQ_K75lUgUZlR5kcL-sadXc78bJzXmR75pX_wgo/s200/money-y-u-no-grow-on-trees.jpg" title="Money: Y U No Grow on Trees" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Guess I'll keep the day job. <br />Until the whole money tree thing happens.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">So, not only did I find this incredible quote and this wacked-out story, I now have an idea for a short story of my own. And I got it because of my day job. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Serendipitous, yes? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">The lesson here is that no matter how unrelated your day job seems, if you're a writer, it's feeding your brain. It's feeding your bank account. It's putting ideas and experiences in front of you that you might not have otherwise. Process them, and then use them in the work you <i>want</i> to do.</span></div>
Jenni Wiltzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02661050256535845651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6016736003379634401.post-35505303635269191392013-09-02T17:12:00.001-07:002013-09-02T17:12:41.736-07:005 Lessons Writers Can Learn from Pancho and Lefty<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfjtt9Sgfm2ktBuq-q3dl0wA4linebgNsDCIPVmPsly_2pazdakt8qwPIStfCNI8OA2HRhKQIlSL2NcwhgxRkEHxmbhQs2SrZNYWgrhRFI8VWpv6YRHXmrOG9vFoFLt4nQ3M064TvFRy4/s1600/5-lessons-writers-can-learn-from-poncho-and-lefty.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="5 Lessons Writers Can Learn from Pancho and Lefty" border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfjtt9Sgfm2ktBuq-q3dl0wA4linebgNsDCIPVmPsly_2pazdakt8qwPIStfCNI8OA2HRhKQIlSL2NcwhgxRkEHxmbhQs2SrZNYWgrhRFI8VWpv6YRHXmrOG9vFoFLt4nQ3M064TvFRy4/s320/5-lessons-writers-can-learn-from-poncho-and-lefty.jpg" title="5 Lessons Writers Can Learn from Pancho and Lefty" width="212" /></a></div>
I grew up on country music. This was the late '70s and early '80s, so we're talking <i>real</i> country. <i>Outlaw</i> country.<br />
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Country that would duct-tape Taylor Swift's mouth shut, take away all Brantley Gilbert's jewelry, and tell Keith Urban that rehab is for quitters.<br />
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One of my all-time favorite songs is "Pancho and Lefty," made famous by Willie Nelson and Merle Haggard. It's a story song, written by Townes Van Zandt. I still hang on every word like there's a secret nugget of truth waiting to be discovered.<br />
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How is there so much embedded in one sub-five-minute song? Have a listen and we'll find out.<br />
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<iframe frameborder="no" height="166" scrolling="no" src="https://w.soundcloud.com/player/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F2393875&color=ff00c5&auto_play=false&show_artwork=true" width="90%"></iframe>
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Now, how can writers learn to tell a story so simply, with so much depth? Let's take a look.<br />
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<b>1. A first-person narrator telling a story about someone else can be really effective.</b><br />
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No less a writer than Jonathan Franzen tells us that we should <a href="http://www.openculture.com/2013/08/richard-ford-jonathan-franzen-and-anne-enright-give-ten-candid-pieces-of-writing-advice-each.html" target="_blank">write in third person</a>. This is one of those "establishment" rules for serious literary works. The reasoning? Third person is more remote (read: mysterious), which makes the reader work harder. It's also less limiting if you want to explore multiple characters. Plus, you get to create both the narrator's persona and your main character's (note: these are NOT the same thing).<br />
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"Pancho and Lefty" doesn't follow the third-person rule. It has a first-person narrator; however, the narrator isn't the subject of the song. This accomplishes two things:<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDzycLJ_hiuVuNiFFdFKeDsbX-kjdt2vOkyIl9uPKLKWUMacDIqeJZuZuMgrfaKg9Ufh35O4m4zc83jNXI7S8n6T1IE7XSpA3VsX7wo_r_1VEVdsv1MWKUuHv-DEEowH_8fuiDa_yyW08/s1600/merle-haggard-country-meme.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Merle Haggard Has More Country in One Butt Cheek than Brantley, Luke, Tim, and Jason Put Together" border="0" height="175" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDzycLJ_hiuVuNiFFdFKeDsbX-kjdt2vOkyIl9uPKLKWUMacDIqeJZuZuMgrfaKg9Ufh35O4m4zc83jNXI7S8n6T1IE7XSpA3VsX7wo_r_1VEVdsv1MWKUuHv-DEEowH_8fuiDa_yyW08/s200/merle-haggard-country-meme.png" title="5 Lessons Writers Can Learn from Pancho and Lefty" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">True story.</td></tr>
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(1) it creates immediacy with the use of the "I" voice, which is why many writers use first-person voice<br />
(2) it generates mystery since the "I" voice isn't the subject of the song.<br />
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Our narrator probably knows Pancho and Lefty, and might have witnessed the events in the song. But we don't know. <i>(Mystery? Check.)</i> Our narrator says, "Livin' on the road, my friend, is gonna keep you free and clean." Who is the "friend"? Is it the generic use of "friend" that he's using to tell a campfire story? Or is he singing to an actual friend, maybe Lefty himself, after the events of the song? The narrator holds himself back from us, not making this clear. <i>(Remote? Check.)</i><br />
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<b>2. The right similes can set a tone without a single adjective.</b><br />
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In the first verse, we get two similes in a one-two punch: "Now you wear your skin like iron / Your breath as hard as kerosene." <br />
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Think about that. What does it mean to wear skin like iron? It means you think you're invincible. You think you can take a licking and keep on ticking. Or it means you've hardened yourself to the outside world so it can't reach you, no matter how hard it tries. (Unless you rust...that would suck.) Each of these meanings make the simile richer. And here's the kicker: who is the singer talking to? Who wears his skin like iron? A man listening to the story? Lefty? Is he talking about himself in some weird reflective way? We don't know. But we do know this song is going to be about a mysterious bad-ass. This simile sets a mood, which is what all good storytellers must do.<br />
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And what the hell does it mean to have breath as hard as kerosene? Kerosene's a liquid. Liquid, by definition, isn't hard. Or is he referring to its scent, its noxious fumes? Those things are gases, which also by definition, are not hard. We're taking a trip through the three stages of matter here, just working on an interpretation of a single simile. Using "hard" to describe something that isn't hard works well here, especially following on the heels of the "skin like iron" simile. Skin is not like iron, and breath is not hard. But isn't that so much more effective than saying, "This is a song about some hardened criminals?"<br />
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<b>3. Using action as a form of characterization works really well. </b><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZzFjcuTWiMEQ8RnIbqVtzrPFpvwZuGXtRJuzWh892PEEvk40ltIfT3EBdUFJ2rwFvunm86FeTa9__1tGiXarJhWiW-rJdsBUGLCPvU_jC-fD6whwGuncRwZEWgDqmX7Z1JaDG07xE9iY/s1600/bad-luck-brian-country-boy.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZzFjcuTWiMEQ8RnIbqVtzrPFpvwZuGXtRJuzWh892PEEvk40ltIfT3EBdUFJ2rwFvunm86FeTa9__1tGiXarJhWiW-rJdsBUGLCPvU_jC-fD6whwGuncRwZEWgDqmX7Z1JaDG07xE9iY/s1600/bad-luck-brian-country-boy.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Also a true story.</td></tr>
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It's pretty boring when someone says, "John was a good man" or "John was a bad man." What does "good" or "bad" mean? These aren't absolutes, especially in fiction. It's far more effective to say, "John rescued the cat in the tree because it belonged to the little girl down the block" or "John skinned the neighbor's cat in retribution for the loud party three nights back." This lets the reader place John appropriately on the scale of goodness and badness.<br />
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That's what our narrator is doing in this song. Pancho "wore his gun outside his pants / For all the honest world to feel." I think "feel" should be "fear" here, but that's just me. In any case, the narrator isn't saying, "Pancho was really good at shooting people" or "Pancho had a death wish." No. He's telling us something about Pancho that's revealed through his action. What does it mean to wear a gun outside one's pants? Several things: Pancho means business. Pancho isn't afraid of conflict. Pancho is confident in his abilities. Pancho wants you to stay the fuck out of his way. So simple, yet so effective.<br />
<br />
Lefty gets the same kind of characterization in the beginning of the next verse. "Lefty he can't sing the blues / all night long like he used to / The dust that Pancho bit down south / ended up in Lefty's mouth."<br />
<br />
That's a powerful way of saying, "Lefty feels like shit for the role he played in Pancho's death." Instead of using the most obvious word on the planet ("guilt"), the narrator ties Lefty to Pancho's death using setting and figurative language. Lefty doesn't have a literal mouthful of dirt. But he's carrying a crap-ton of baggage that has to do with Pancho's death, so much baggage that he can't even sing anymore. We're left to wonder...is that how Lefty earns a living? Is he so broken up over his buddy's death that can't earn a living? This image conveys emotion and suggests conflict in a few simple words. Damn.<br />
<br />
<b>4. Be specific with names and places.</b><br />
<br />
There's a beautiful juxtaposition in this song between the vagueness of the story itself and the concrete setting. We don't know who the narrator is. We don't know if he's talking <i>to</i> Lefty or <i>about</i> him. We don't know for sure what went down between Pancho and Lefty (although we can guess). But we do know Pancho died in Mexico. And we know Lefty "split for Ohio." Later, we get more detail: Cleveland's cold. Even here, we have layers. No shit, Cleveland is cold. The average temperature in January is about 28 degrees Fahrenheit. But is it also cold because Lefty lacks Pancho's companionship?<br />
<br />
What I love here is the specificity of "Cleveland." Lefty didn't go "out west" or "down south." There's something so much more pathetic about him shacking up in Cleveland, a non-glamorous city that's stuck between the midwest and the east. With all apologies to Cleveland, perhaps the idea here is Lefty's in nowheresville. But rather than say it, the narrator uses a specific place that plants that idea in our heads.<br />
<br />
<b>5. Leave a little (or a lot) to the reader's imagination.</b><br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiH1JXD5F7r7kK3v0p6OjGfzFcOuv6wOuFL_LRRaC8sOaIkZY08B3wLQ3tIIFvzV5y7T_9Sif2z0yW6QPIZGaZ4C4tFwuy4rOiPjmgMaml28IXVh_aKgJupB-ZM-DHmCoZIF8vTJtx9-nI/s1600/hey-girl-starting-to-like-country-music.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Ryan Gosling meme: Hey Girl, I'm Starting to Like Country Music" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiH1JXD5F7r7kK3v0p6OjGfzFcOuv6wOuFL_LRRaC8sOaIkZY08B3wLQ3tIIFvzV5y7T_9Sif2z0yW6QPIZGaZ4C4tFwuy4rOiPjmgMaml28IXVh_aKgJupB-ZM-DHmCoZIF8vTJtx9-nI/s1600/hey-girl-starting-to-like-country-music.png" title="5 Lessons Writers Can Learn from Pancho and Lefty" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Probably not a true story.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
One of the best parts of this song is its mystery. The narrator doesn't tell us exactly what happened. How did the Federales finally get Pancho? Why did Lefty split on the day he died, with a mysterious sum of money? Did Lefty sell Pancho out? Probably. Why did Lefty do it? We have no idea. A secret dream of making it big as a singer someday? The need to get out of a life of crime? Why didn't he have the balls to say, "Hey, Pancho, I'm gonna hang up the old gun belt now and start singing showtunes for tips. You're cool with that, right?" Is it really a commentary on friendship, on weakness of character, or misguided loyalty? Or all these things? Or none of them?<br />
<br />
We don't know, and that's the way it should be. That's why this song needs a narrator who isn't Pancho or Lefty. That's why it's so much more powerful when we hear about Lefty's inability to sing anymore. That's why it's still moving at the end of the song, when not only Lefty but the Federales are old and gray. Everyone involved still remembers, still feels bad, still has some regrets. It's that important to them. And now it's that important to me, because I've just written 1,500 damn words about an old-ass country song. Jenni Wiltzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02661050256535845651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6016736003379634401.post-76954203979811402282013-07-28T17:47:00.000-07:002013-07-28T17:47:36.377-07:0010 Round Gothic Novel Smackdown: Susanna Kearsley vs. Barbara Michaels<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZKDR7E-4_hyr4wQB6rI1qpHvo7xTuNxNn9OULvWxhVPcW5ogtk8LYPKzywwlkrcUx56MrmR4cS7_Ci0MQD68rBeE6rYhWM2e71AOUBdkDVwN4ccndblzB7MJEnL0L4mt5dxtg2Is12mY/s1600/10RoundGothicNovelSmackdown.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="10 Round Gothic Novel Smackdown: Susanna Kearsley vs. Barbara Michaels" border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZKDR7E-4_hyr4wQB6rI1qpHvo7xTuNxNn9OULvWxhVPcW5ogtk8LYPKzywwlkrcUx56MrmR4cS7_Ci0MQD68rBeE6rYhWM2e71AOUBdkDVwN4ccndblzB7MJEnL0L4mt5dxtg2Is12mY/s320/10RoundGothicNovelSmackdown.png" title="10 Round Gothic Novel Smackdown: Susanna Kearsley vs. Barbara Michaels" width="273" /></a></div>
I love Gothics. I can't help it. <br />
<br />
Literary types will wrinkle their noses, but they fulfill a vital purpose in a young girl's reading life: wish fulfillment and escapism. I might not be young anymore, but my head can still be turned by a book description with words like "windswept shores," "unsolved mystery," and "buried secrets."<br />
<br />
That's why I snapped up <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Shadowy-Horses-ebook/dp/B008BWDBUA/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1375055475&sr=8-1&keywords=susanna+kearsley+the+shadowy+horses" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Susanna Kearsley's <i>The Shadowy Horses</i></a> when Amazon offered the Kindle version for $1.99. But instead of describing all the ways Kearsley's book missed its mark, I decided to compare it to a book called <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Sea-Kings-Daughter-ebook/dp/B000FCK3JQ/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1375055507&sr=1-1&keywords=the+sea+king%27s+daughter+barbara+michaels" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">The Sea King's Daughter</a></i> by an author who has the Gothic style mastered: Barbara Michaels. <br />
<br />
Let's take a look at the ways each book delivered or failed to deliver on the promises that are implicit in a good Gothic novel. We have Kearsley in <span style="color: blue;"><b>blue trunks</b></span> and the Michaels in <span style="color: red;"><b>red trunks</b></span>.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Round 1: Young, pretty, usually naive heroine.</span></b><br />
<b><u><br /></u></b>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjID-hr0xerLbMCFWF24VdLfUhtvDNFua9SkbR_PKu5mKJGaUIaX6Y8boFIca99XHphCk1h7pRLzLkKc06cGiSB_Ia1prw-0itiEGhnFOKQHSHOMi3DmhtVIV1euhCGRlnNGJ2oEAvGxfw/s1600/TheShadowyHorsesbySusannaKearsley.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="The Shadowy Horses by Susanna Kearsley" border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjID-hr0xerLbMCFWF24VdLfUhtvDNFua9SkbR_PKu5mKJGaUIaX6Y8boFIca99XHphCk1h7pRLzLkKc06cGiSB_Ia1prw-0itiEGhnFOKQHSHOMi3DmhtVIV1euhCGRlnNGJ2oEAvGxfw/s200/TheShadowyHorsesbySusannaKearsley.png" title="The Shadowy Horses by Susanna Kearsley" width="130" /></a><b><span style="color: blue;">Kearsley:</span></b> Check (mostly). Verity Grey is an archaeologist who works for the British Museum. She has academic and professional chops, yet still comes across as younger and less experienced than the other archaeologists in the novel. Most, if not all, of the male characters reference how pretty she is, including a ghost and a small boy. This actually gets kind of irritating after awhile.<br />
<i><br /></i>
<b><span style="color: blue;">Bonus: Does the heroine's name have special significance?</span></b> Yes. "Verity" means "truth." Verity's employer refers to this when asking Verity for her opinion, saying he'd believe her over other less-than-truthful characters.<br /><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaKbb2cEh5FvQww0Cnk4rSAq86tQYCj8fgofSCRDziSTepn8E_JZ-BFTYsAX5jtilmHXgDlfTJxW4kKewp-UfXwZ246tuYmFTWF42mx1Y2WHwQHtOWoe7zmlv9czn2HftgRFwMDhFFVeM/s1600/TheSeaKingsDaughterbyBarbaraMichaels.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="The Sea King's Daughter by Barbara Michaels" border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaKbb2cEh5FvQww0Cnk4rSAq86tQYCj8fgofSCRDziSTepn8E_JZ-BFTYsAX5jtilmHXgDlfTJxW4kKewp-UfXwZ246tuYmFTWF42mx1Y2WHwQHtOWoe7zmlv9czn2HftgRFwMDhFFVeM/s200/TheSeaKingsDaughterbyBarbaraMichaels.png" title="The Sea King's Daughter by Barbara Michaels" width="130" /></a></div>
<b><span style="color: red;">Michaels:</span></b> Check. Sandy Bishop is a college student who, although she's a great swimmer and diver, isn't a professional treasure hunter. She and her stepfather discovered a Spanish galleon sunk off the Florida coast, but the conditions were such that amateur divers could make the discovery without specialized equipment. Now, her estranged archaeologist father has asked her to come help search for Minoan treasure in Greece. Her naivety comes without question; Sandy is going to college to become a PE teacher, for heaven's sake.<br />
<i><br /></i>
<b><span style="color: red;">Bonus: Does the heroine's name have special significance?</span></b> Yes. The very first line of the book is, "Don't call me <a href="http://www.pantheon.org/articles/a/ariadne.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Ariadne</a>. That's not my name anymore." Sandy's real name is that of a Minoan princess who betrayed her father, Minos, to escape with Theseus after he kills the Minotaur. Unfortunately for Ariadne, Theseus ditches her not long after this. During the course of the book, Sandy finds disturbing similarities between herself and the mythological Ariadne.<br />
<br />
<b>Why does this matter in a Gothic novel?</b> Part of the fun of reading a Gothic is seeing how the character fails to see the warning signs of a dangerous situation unfolding around her. She needs to be trusting so she can fall for a dashing but dangerous love interest (see point 3 below). Also, she needs to have somewhere to go in terms of character development. We have to see her getting smarter and being changed by her experiences as the book develops. <br />
<br />
<b>Who wins the round?</b><i> </i>It's a tie. Verity has special knowledge, while Sandy has a special skill. Verity has made bad relationship choices, Sandy makes some bad choices period. Both heroines are likable, but Sandy stands up for herself a bit more convincingly. Overall, though, there's not a clear edge for either author.<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Round 2: Interesting location in which the heroine feels out of place.</span></b><br />
<b></b><br /><b></b>
<b><span style="color: blue;">Kearsley:</span></b> Check. Verity travels to <a href="http://www.visiteyemouth.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Eyemouth, Scotland</a>, a cold and dreary place that's a far cry from the London hustle and bustle she's used to. She can barely understand the thick Scottish accent, and is constantly having to look words up in a Scots dictionary. It's easy for the reader to picture the generic kind of windswept moors described in so many Gothic novels, but Kearsley adds a great deal of description to help you get a more accurate mental picture of local geography, festivals, and traditions. There are points, however, where the book feels like a travelogue as much as a narrative.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/56701337@N00/28419385/" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" title="Eyemouth by David Farrer, on Flickr"><img alt="Eyemouth" height="266" src="http://farm1.staticflickr.com/23/28419385_29e11d8d3f.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Eyemouth, Scotland. <br />
Image by Flickr user <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/56701337@N00/28419385/in/photolist-3vE6p-pa9zh-puzFG-pXC7v-4vkXJD-4vCKCF-4vCL12-4vCL7T-4vCLek-4vCLox-4vCLwP-4vCM5c-4vCMgc-4vCMuT-4vCMKT-4vCNkk-4vCNG4-4vCP9P-4vCPvF-4vCPEX-4vCPSK-4vCQet-4vCQp2-4vCQAa-4vCQGT-4vCRsK-4vCRxR-4vCRPz-4vCS7K-4vCSPZ-4vCSUH-4vCT3i-4vCTfT-4vCU1H-4vCUGM-4vCUP4-4vCUX4-4vCVde-4vCVk6-4vCVYV-4vCW2T-4vCWsZ-4vCWHa-4vCWRg-4vCX7p-4vGQcq-4vGQHC-4vGRxA-4vGRBE-4vGRSQ-4vGS69" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">David Farrer</a>.<br />
Used with Creative Commons license.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<i></i><br /><i></i>
<b><span style="color: blue;">Bonus: Do you experience a local festival?</span></b> Yes. Verity and her love interest, Davy Fortune, attend <a href="http://www.eyemouthherringqueen.org.uk/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">the crowning of the Herring Queen</a>. The problem with this is that nothing really happens except the festival. I kept waiting for some dangerous incident to occur, but all they did was wander around and remark on how they couldn't wait to make out later. The festival itself wasn't integral to anything that was said or done during that scene. This is bad. <b>Writers: if you're going to indulge in local color, it MUST tie into the plot.</b><br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: red;">Michaels:</span></b> Check. Sandy travels to Thera, a Greek volcanic island that was once a stronghold of the Minoans. There's a far more serious language barrier here since Sandy doesn't speak, write, or read Greek. You get a lot of description in this novel, too, but it doesn't weigh down the story like Kearsley's does. The landscape also clearly pertains to the plot since Sandy is helping her archaeologist father look for the remains of Minoan treasure in <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minoan_eruption" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">the island's volcanic caldera</a>.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/phillylambs/3929554017/" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" title="Thera by PhillyLambs, on Flickr"><img alt="Thera" height="266" src="http://farm4.staticflickr.com/3531/3929554017_f65ff16cb7.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Thera, Greece. <br />
Image by Flickr user <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/42301126@N00/3929554017/in/photolist-6ZeZvk-7ePTRB-7fznCe-9LNNgA-8xiXBJ-92VfWp-aasfRg-8PkLFL-8bD2oo-eYSXat-eYSV6Z-eYjuH1-fdNnUt-8WLsFq-7LrztK-8wbzX3-a49jLq-91uMdN-91uZ6f-91uMcL-a49jTE-91uMdb-91uZ6j-eTCP9V-92VfWz-92VfWD-92VfWv-fdMLD8-eTQqiW-8AU7yE-92VfWt-92VfWB-92gekW-8L46bE-8L12ir-eTEhXk-8L12Dx-99yhc7-91uMdC-91uMdq-91uMcS-7UWcKR-7UX79r-8sRQne-aCSCkd-92d4Dc-91uZ6A-cAR5YC-cAR6MY-dBEL9R-dBLbDy" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">The Philly Lambs</a>. <br />
Used with Creative Commons license. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<i></i><br /><i></i>
<b><span style="color: red;">Bonus: Do you experience a local festival?</span></b> Yes. Sandy witnesses a ritual in which the women of the village carry a saint's image around the town to bless the houses and fields. Michaels does it right by showing the village women making way for one other mysterious woman who comes down from her cliffside villa to attend the festival. Obviously important and held apart from the local peasant women, we take note because the other characters do, too. As Sandy's father joins her, he catches sight of the mysterious woman...and promptly freaks out, fleeing the scene. This WTF moment helps break open the subplot that has to do with the goings-on of the previous generation.<br />
<br />
<b>Why does this matter in a Gothic novel?</b><i> </i>Part of the fun of a Gothic is escapism combined with wish fulfillment. If you're a bored housewife in Lincoln, Nebraska or a lonely single girl in Bakersfield, California, you'd probably rather read about moors or desert sands or even Asiatic steppes than, say, Chicago. Both Greece and Scotland qualify as exotic locales that pique my interest. Also, Gothics need to take place in an isolated location so the characters have a hard time leaving or running away when the scary shit starts to go down. <br />
<br />
<b>Who wins the round?</b> It's another tie. Both books feature an archaeological mystery that's intricately tied to their settings. Both are described so that you feel you're there. Kearsley's descriptions pall after awhile, but they're more lush in general than Michaels, so there's no clear winner.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Round 3: Dashing but dangerous love interest.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="color: blue;">Kearsley:</span></b> In this corner, we have David (Davy) Fortune. That name is so awesome I'm jealous I didn't think of it first. In terms of description, David is tall, broad-shouldered, handsome, dark-haired...a veritable Scottish Heathcliff who actually wears a kilt in one scene. Visually, Kearsley is on track for the win.<br />
<br />
However, poor Davy comes up short in the "dangerous" category. Every good Gothic heroine needs to think that her handsome, stalwart man might also be the bad guy who's trying to scare her away from her goal. Otherwise, where's the fun in that? The relationship needs challenges. In a romance novel, those challenges are usually communication issues or personality flaws in the hero and heroine. In a Gothic, those challenges need to be based on danger and uncertainty. The hero needs to walk that fine line between smokin' hot and holy-crap-this-guy-might-be-trying-to-kill-me. Unfortunately, the relationship between Verity and Davy had no challenges whatsoever. It also had very little heat. A fifth-grader could read this book without getting any untoward ideas.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: red;">Michaels:</span></b> In this corner, we have Jim Sanchez. He's also tall and broad and handsome, with a healthy tan from working outdoors. He doesn't always button his shirt all the way, which is good for Sandy, but also fits with his character. It's hot as hell in Greece in the summer and he's an archaeologist. Plus, this book was written in 1975, when Burt Reynolds and Tom Selleck did this sort of shit all the time.<br />
<br />
The "danger" category is also a little light for Jim. However, on a strict one-to-one comparison with David Fortune, Jim takes the cake. At one point, he tells Sandy he'll do anything he can to stop her from diving and looking for Minoan treasure. Of course, he camouflages any nefarious intent by claiming it's for her own safety, but the reader understands there's potential menace there. Also, Jim offers to go swimming with Sandy every day, ditching work to do so. This comes off not as chivalrous, but as creepy. He just wants to be there if and when she discovers something. This adds to Jim's vague sense of menace. Again, it's not much, but it's more than Davy Fortune gets.<br />
<br />
<b>Why does this matter in a Gothic novel?</b> It all goes back to escapism. Women readers want to meet a man they'd fall in love with on the page. That love needs to be tested. So if they think that handsome devil might actually <i>be</i> a devil, it makes it all the more delicious when the heroine (and the reader) still can't resist his charm and good looks.<br />
<br />
<b>Who wins the round?</b> Michaels. If it were based on name choice alone, it'd be Kearsley by a landslide. But David Fortune is never menacing in the way a good Gothic hero needs to be.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Round 4: A nurturing father figure.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="color: blue;">Kearsley:</span></b> Check. It's eccentric millionaire and maligned archaeologist Peter Quinnell, who has spent most of his life looking for the lost Ninth Roman Legion, which disappeared somewhere near Eyemouth. Quinnell is handsome and charming, but most of his colleagues think he's also batshit crazy. Verity starts out thinking he might be nuts, but realizes he misses very little and actually is one of the sharpest guys around. He's kind to Verity, puts her up in his mansion, really likes cats, and is free with his liquor. I like the guy already.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: red;">Michaels:</span></b> We have several candidates here. You could argue that this figure is:<br />
<ul>
<li><i>Frederick</i>, Sandy's abrasive professor father. He's rude and self-centered, he <i>is</i> teaching her about archaeology and gets really surly when she and Jim are together. </li>
<li><i>Sir Christopher</i>, an archaeologist digging on the other side of the island. He's antagonistic toward Frederick and takes an interest in Sandy, offering her money so she can get the hell out of Dodge, as well as a job next summer. </li>
<li><i>Jurgen</i>, a mysterious German colonel who figures heavily in the second half of the novel. At several key points, he seems to be warning Sandy and protecting her against the machinations of his own lover, Kore. </li>
</ul>
<b>Why does this matter in a Gothic novel?</b> For some reason, Gothics usually have nurturing father figures and menacing mother figures. It's all a part of isolating the heroine. You can't give the heroine a dependable best friend or an older female mentor, because then they could help her see past her own naivete. Uh-uh. Not in a Gothic. She can have a kindly older male caretaker or mentor, but when it comes to matters of the heart, this person has to remain clueless. This is why an older, grandfather-type plays well in these kinds of stories.<br />
<br />
<b>Who wins the round?</b> It's a tie. None of Michaels's characters fit the bill as well as Peter Quinnell does for the Kearsley book, but at the same time, the Michaels story is richer because each of these characters brings a piece of the "father figure" mythology. <br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Round 5: A mysterious and menacing older female figure.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></b>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8pL4l4JA_DYHTMn4x08LE7HJ213dgdkU6lT9gXG5qlXsJx2Fy6nKHkMY9dmY_YloYoQEevxqLQ0tiyLnRBdPSus7xgxkRxRHiwjRDhI96pfBfQ8vclBMz8__RAYF-efBmcCgZxID_1jg/s1600/MrsDanvers_Rebecca.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="138" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8pL4l4JA_DYHTMn4x08LE7HJ213dgdkU6lT9gXG5qlXsJx2Fy6nKHkMY9dmY_YloYoQEevxqLQ0tiyLnRBdPSus7xgxkRxRHiwjRDhI96pfBfQ8vclBMz8__RAYF-efBmcCgZxID_1jg/s200/MrsDanvers_Rebecca.png" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mrs. Danvers from <i>Rebecca</i> is the OG <br />when it comes to the menacing older <br />female character in Gothic novels.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b><span style="color: blue;">Kearsley:</span></b> There's a menacing and vaguely mysterious female figure, all right, but she's younger instead of older. Her name is Fabia, and she's Peter's granddaughter. She's not a professional archaeologist like Verity--she's just lending a hand for her grandfather. She stays out late, dislikes Verity, and has it out for Peter because she feels Peter loved archaeology more than Fabia's father (Peter's son). Verity never quite trusts her, which is smart. However, Fabia doesn't do any of the traditional menacing things, like tell the heroine, "You need to leave for your own good or bad things will happen to you." Although Fabia does pose a danger late in the novel, by then, it's really hard to give a crap. <br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: red;">Michaels:</span></b> We've already mentioned Kore, the strangely alluring older woman who comes to the village festival and freaks everyone out. She's actually the mistress of a mysterious German colonel who lives in a fancy villa up on a cliff above the village. She is not German, however; she is Greek. This brings up a lot of loyalty issues for the older village folk, for whom World War II wasn't that long ago. As the book goes on, Kore gets more and more mysterious. At one point, she walks straight up to Sandy and warns her to get lost. What does she know that Sandy doesn't? Later in the book, Kore takes care of Sandy after an accident. She chants, goes into trances, watches Sandy while she's sleeping, and lets weird guests into the villa during the middle of the night. Yes, this qualifies as menacing and mysterious.<br />
<br />
<b>Why does this matter in a Gothic novel?</b> The menacing female is very important. You have to fight fair, and as a writer, it's a little unfair to pit a big, strong man against a tiny, seemingly defenseless female. It's fine to <i>hint</i> that the big, strong man is out to get her, but usually, the villain or villain's assistant is a woman. This way, it's a fair fight when the heroine gets to take her down. Plus, it's very traumatizing for a woman to read about a woman being victimized by another woman. We're used to reading about glass ceilings or horrible male bosses or terrorists/kidnappers who are male. But when our heroine is put down or led astray by a fellow woman? That's disturbing on so many levels. After all, as Madeline Albright said,<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>"There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women."</i></blockquote>
<br />
<b>Who wins the round?</b> Michaels. Fabia, Kearsley's antagonistic character, never really gets up to much menace until it's too late to care. Kore gets kind of annoying toward the end of the Michaels book, but I'd take annoying and mysterious over Fabia's annoying and...just annoying.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Round 6: Incidents of danger that warn the heroine away from her current course of action.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="color: blue;">Kearsley:</span></b> Nope. Not even close. There's no actual villain, violence, or conflict for most of the novel. <i>(Note to Kearsley: Are you kidding me?)</i> This is what irritated me most about the book. A couple times, objects sort of move around, presumably at the hand of a ghost. But although the Sentinel is creepy, this ghostly Roman soldier never harms anyone. Most of the characters never even interact with him. <br />
<br />
In addition, there are no accidents sabotaging the dig, no one warning the archaeologists to stop looking for the Ninth Legion or else, nothing remotely sinister. No one wants to steal the treasure, stop the excavation, or harm any of the participants. Mostly it just rains and people stop work to go inside, pet cats, and get drunk. Not a single character's physical safety is endangered until the final chapter, when the ridiculous climax and denouement occur. This makes for a pretty boring read, especially in a book that seems to hew so closely to many other Gothic tropes. One character, whose fey son can see and talk to the ghost, tells Verity to stop using the boy to communicate with the ghost, but there's no hint of the "or else" that every good Gothic needs. <b>Writers, you can't build a strong plot without conflict and an antagonist. I can't believe the Kearsley book was such an epic fail on this account.</b><br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: red;">Michaels:</span></b> Check. We've got spies, rockslides, booby traps, errant gunshots, a kidnapping disguised as a rescue, drugging, and more. There are a buttload of reasons why Sandy needs to say <i>sayonara</i> to her father's dig, but in traditional Gothic fashion, she stays. <br />
<br />
<b>Why does this matter in a Gothic novel</b><i>?</i> The stakes have got to increase as the book goes on. Verbal warnings can only go so far. The villain needs to do things that make the heroine fear for her life. This not only makes it more interesting for the reader, but it also gives the heroine a chance to show her mettle. Unless she's tested, how will she develop as a character?<br />
<br />
<b>Who wins the round?</b> Michaels. No contest.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Round 7: Events that seem to be supernatural.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="color: blue;">Kearsley:</span></b> This started out well. There's a ghostly Roman soldier haunting the dig site. He's called the Sentinel, and seems vaguely menacing. The only person who can see him or hear him is a little boy, Robbie, the son of Peter Quinnell's housekeeper. Robbie is a little disturbed by some of the encounters with the ghost, and there's one creepy scene where Verity feels the ghost near her in her office. But for the most part, the ghost is benign. In fact, the ghost's true intentions are revealed a little too early, if you ask me. Overall, the supernatural peters out without providing much more than a bit of atmosphere and a hint of conflict for the ghost whispering boy's father, who thinks he and his son are being used by the uppity archaeologists. <br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: red;">Michaels:</span></b> This started out well, too. Sandy, who has never been to Greece, starts having weird living daydreams where she knows she's been to some of these places before. She sees an artifact in a Greek museum and knows its purpose, sees herself using it in the past. There's some mysterious connection between Sandy, her father, the legends of Atlantis, and the destruction of Crete. There's also a local female-based cult that mixes elements of Christianity with earlier pagan beliefs, including the idea of ritual sacrifice. Although all of these elements seem like they should be tied together, they don't really coalesce in the end. In the first part of the novel, Sandy's seeming past-life experiences play a large role. They don't in the second, and the novel ends with a weak return to them that doesn't really explain anything. <b>Writers, if you can't explain something that seems supernatural, don't include it. Tie it to your plot, provide hard details of how it's happening, or forget about it.</b> <br />
<br />
<b>Why does this matter in a Gothic novel?</b> It makes shit interesting. Again, it's all about upping the ante and giving the heroine more than she can handle. Not only does she need to sort out her feelings for the hero and deal with the antagonistic female in her life, but now she's supposed to deal with ghosts? <i>Jesus</i>, our heroine says. <i>Give a girl a break.</i> But we can't, because that's how books work. <br />
<br />
<b>Who wins the round?</b> It's kind of a fail-tie. Both authors introduce supernatural elements that aren't really explained and tied to the on-the-ground events well enough.<br />
<br />
Now, there are a few characteristics of both books that aren't necessarily de rigeur for Gothics, but that merit additional comparison:<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Round 8: An archaeological mystery.</span></b><br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/wikidave/6725784613/" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" title="19/365+1 What did the Romans ever do for us? by DaveCrosby, on Flickr"><img alt="19/365+1 What did the Romans ever do for us?" height="134" src="http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7025/6725784613_483d1b8035.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Plaque on the spot where the Ninth <br />
fled Boudicca's army in 61 AD.<br />
Image by Flickr user <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/wikidave/6725784613/in/photolist-47RnbN-5XgSxk-b7UtkK-bfkprF-aEkZ7P-eqR8GL/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Dave Crosby</a>.<br />
Used with Creative Commons license.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="color: blue;">Kearsley:</span></b> Check. The <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-12752497" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Ninth Roman Legion</a> marched deep into the north of England to subdue the warlike border tribes. They vanished sometime between 108 AD, when they rebuilt the fortress at York, and about 150 AD. They were never heard from again. It's a damn good premise, and made me seek out more information about the historical mystery. The book doesn't really solve the mystery one way or another, which is to be expected based on the set-up. Because the mystery still exists, Peter Quinnell can hardly claim to have found conclusive proof that the Ninth was massacred on the Scottish border (although that's what the book hints at). <br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/13384935@N03/4432839901/" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" title="Minoan palace at Knossos, Crete by innis22mara, on Flickr"><img alt="Minoan palace at Knossos, Crete" height="200" src="http://farm3.staticflickr.com/2769/4432839901_1c8e184e77.jpg" width="128" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ruins of the Minoan <br />palace at Knossos, Crete.<br />Image by Flickr <br />user <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/13384935@N03/4432839901/in/photolist-7KHsSa-bsy9HF-7ND9EH-7ND9CP-7NH7WY-86HdTD-7ND9wp-7ND9zK-7NH7TN-cSf88u-ax3bcK-cZSZfJ-cZSZ7J-efyr7e-efyqUZ-efEbsf-9yWzfc-94H2Qt-8UVxB5-b9hJKR-9vdw6G-cSSUGy-9yZCMh-aD6Dq4-b9j2xp-cSRBi7-cSRYf1-beWZAn-aizbQj-9yZGRm-aDaurJ-f1sCRc-9yWFQr-dZvom6-7FHbMY-bz5tYR-bseeKd-dDKLKn-bCjzYA-9YLwvA-aqiTyu-7LFDwB-94Ygjc-94YgAi-94Ygye-aBsKkR-aBsKiV-aBsKha-aBsKpa-aBvq1Q-bhpo9z" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">inis22mara</a>.<br />Used with Creative <br />Commons license.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b><span style="color: red;">Michaels:</span></b> Legend says that the lost city of Atlantis fell into the sea, somewhere in the Atlantic. But <a href="http://www.pbs.org/wnet/secrets/features/sinking-atlantis/the-fall-of-the-minoans/61/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">what if Atlantis were really in the Mediterranean</a>? What if the mystical city were really a garbled representation of the fate of the Minoan civilization? A cataclysmic volcanic eruption in about 1500 BC destroyed the Minoan civilization on Crete and Thera, a thousand years before Plato described Atlantis in his writings. Frederick and Sandy are looking for artifacts that might be buried under the water, proving that a magnificent city did fall into the ocean, and that Atlantis can and should be identified with the Minoans. <br />
<br />
<b>Who wins the round?</b> Tie. These are both awesome archaeological mysteries to explore. Both authors provide information about the mystery's set-up as well as tidbits that have been uncovered to support or detract from the characters' theories.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Round 9: Nightmares of the heroine.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="color: blue;">Kearsley:</span></b> Verity dreams that she hears horses' hooves pounding the ground outside her window. But no one else hears the horses, and when she finally mentions it, everyone confirms that there are no horses on the grounds that could possibly have made the noises she heard. Ghost horses! Cool, right? Unfortunately, the nightmares don't lead her to any conclusions, and don't really represent anything. Are they supposed to be the ghosts of Roman horses? Do they mean the Ninth is really there, at Eyemouth? Verity doesn't come to either of these conclusions. It's a huge missed opportunity for Kearsley. Plus, it's also the title of the damn book, so you'd think it would mean a little more.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: red;">Michaels:</span></b> Sandy dreams that she's <a href="http://www.explorecrete.com/history/labyrinth-minotaur.htm" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">in the Labyrinth with the Minotaur</a>. She watches Theseus follow Ariadne's ball of string to the center of the maze, where he'll face off against the nightmarish creature (half-bull half-man). The dreams are extremely vivid, pretty well done, and creep Sandy out. They cause her to identify with her real name, Ariadne, and make her see the connection between Ariadne and herself: will she betray her father for Jim the way Ariadne betrayed her father, Minos, to run away with Theseus?<br />
<br />
<b>Who wins the round?</b> Michaels. The dreams actually tie into the symbolism of her name and the mythology behind it.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Round 10: The sins of the fathers. </span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="color: blue;">Kearsley:</span></b> Yes, the doings of the previous generation come back to bite the heroine's generation in the butt. I won't say how, in case you want to read the Kearsley. But there is a secret that leaks, and it leads to the only real incident of physical danger for anyone in the whole book. Still, that being said, the secret isn't really that big deal, and the reveal feels minimal and lame and rushed. Plus, neither the secret nor the reveal has a damn thing to do with the archaeological mystery or the ghost. It's just crap the characters have to sort through.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: red;">Michaels:</span></b> Yes, the doings of the previous generation come back to bite the heroine's generation in the butt. In fact, there's an entire subplot involving Frederick, Sir Christopher, Jim's uncle (a cohort of Frederick and Sir Christopher's), Kore, and Jurgen. Because this book takes place in 1975, the previous generation's escapades took place during World War II and involve <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cretan_resistance" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">the resistance movement against the Nazis on Crete</a>. There's something hinky between Frederick and Kore, and we find out that someone betrayed someone else to the Nazis all those years ago. Yeah, that's pretty kick-ass.<br />
<br />
<b>Who wins the round?</b> Michaels. Come on. Weak drawing room intrigue or a World War II resistance movement?<br />
<br />
Okay, after 10 rounds, it's time to crown a winner!<br />
<br />
<b>Rounds tied:</b> 5<br /><span style="color: blue;"><b>Rounds to Kearsley:</b></span> 0<br /><span style="color: red;"><b>Rounds to Michaels:</b></span> 5<br />
<br />
Now, this isn't to say the Michaels book is perfect. It's not. It has some pretty big flaws in the second half of the book. However, it kicks the crap out of Kearsley's limp, dreary, soggy tale. The winner is Barbara Michaels.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhV3cJS42n126oi2YfThHbtim00ArgYvKvwoizzWDw6uHlJRXQ6-4UxoYoZ34dgzv2NgeyMPxqPMEFn3qJh6zRoDY8i5RKnu3fPyEV3YJcBqT4-FKo_eni0WiC4VQHu_dCiw1PsyvGgwUg/s1600/10RoundGothicNovelSmackdownWinner.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="10 Round Gothic Novel Smackdown: Barbara Michaels, Winner" border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhV3cJS42n126oi2YfThHbtim00ArgYvKvwoizzWDw6uHlJRXQ6-4UxoYoZ34dgzv2NgeyMPxqPMEFn3qJh6zRoDY8i5RKnu3fPyEV3YJcBqT4-FKo_eni0WiC4VQHu_dCiw1PsyvGgwUg/s400/10RoundGothicNovelSmackdownWinner.png" title="10 Round Gothic Novel Smackdown: Barbara Michaels, Winner" width="341" /></a></div>
<br />Jenni Wiltzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02661050256535845651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6016736003379634401.post-18799954708909021512013-06-28T18:37:00.000-07:002014-03-24T09:14:26.670-07:00Writer, Edit Thyself: Why You Shouldn't Hire an Editor (Yet)<div style="text-align: right;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPwsFedsjXlo1RwkLy46zgpwOMnYgzNAlQVR1CsWbFjQriNPU-mKUCUDt2dZdooDb3M5WLz9z-1QquLCtGxl4P6_IhLd4zN6ElZct_wtKm5xmitoukf05rBrC-98JY78b9zhg6XNrTWjk/s300/Willy-Wonka-bad-writer-meme.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="You need an editor to fix your plot, pacing, and grammar? Tell me again what a great writer you are." border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPwsFedsjXlo1RwkLy46zgpwOMnYgzNAlQVR1CsWbFjQriNPU-mKUCUDt2dZdooDb3M5WLz9z-1QquLCtGxl4P6_IhLd4zN6ElZct_wtKm5xmitoukf05rBrC-98JY78b9zhg6XNrTWjk/s300/Willy-Wonka-bad-writer-meme.jpg" title="Willy Wonka bad writer meme" /></a></div>
I've been reading a lot of writers' blogs and posts in writers' communities on G+. One thing I keep seeing is the recommendation (commandment, from some) that all indie writers <b>must</b> hire an editor before (a) sending work to an agent, or (b) self-publishing. <br />
<br />
I understand where this advice is coming from, but...I have a big problem with this. And this is from someone who earned her highest salary EVER as a professional editor. <i>(Feel free to laugh at this. My bank account does.)</i> I know a few editors, and most of them are incredibly nice and talented people. I have nothing against them. I do have something against lazy writers who can't learn on their own.<br />
<br />
If you ask me, the solution isn't to hire someone to make your writing better. It's to make it better your own damn self.<br />
<br />
<b>Suck at editing?</b> Learn.<br />
<b>Suck at grammar?</b> Learn.<br />
<b>Suck at revising?</b> So do lots of people. Guess what? They fucking learn. <br />
<br />
Anything worth doing is worth doing well. If you can't commit the time to learn how to use the English language well enough to pass muster with a reader, are you really cut out to be a writer? Or do you just like the cheap thrill of how easy it is to tell a story? There's nothing wrong with storytelling. But it's only half of your toolkit. You can't buy the other half. Okay, maybe you can. But it's lazy and wrong and I'm going to berate you for it.<br />
<br />
<b>Objection #1: But as a writer, I'm too close to my story to see its flaws.</b><br />
<i>Bullshit.</i> Read some books. Is yours like theirs? If so, you're doing it right. Sit down and make a list of the kinds of things that happen in good books. See the story arcs? Diagram your own story arc. Is there an arc? There are all kinds of <a href="http://www.storyboardthat.com/articles/education/plot-diagram" target="_blank">story arc tools</a> you can use <b>before</b> you write your story to make sure it's plotted and paced well. If you have any analytic capability at all, apply it at this stage in the game. If you don't have any analytic capability at all, you might not be cut out for writing. If you have analytic capability but this sounds like a hell of a lot of work, you're damn right. Stop reading blog posts and go diagram your damn book.<br />
<br />
<b>Objection #2: But I've read my manuscript so many times that my eyes glaze over the typos.</b><br />
<i>Bullshit.</i> Read it out loud. Read it backwards. Print it out and look at it on paper. Put it in a drawer for a month and come back to it. None of these are impossible tasks unless you refuse to devote the necessary time. <i>Are</i> you refusing to devote the necessary time? Are you short-cutting what I hope is the most important thing in the world to you when you're doing it? If you have a nervous feeling in the pit of your stomach, if your cheeks are red, or if you're thinking of other things you should be doing right now, you're who I'm talking to. Don't ignore it. Embrace it, and then get it done. It might lengthen your production schedule to include a cooling-off period and then final proofing, but that's not my problem. It's yours.<br />
<br />
<b>Objection #3: But I'm just not good at grammar. I need someone to fix a few commas and things.</b><br />
<i>Bullshit.</i> If you're not that good at grammar, how are you crafting sentences that shock and awe? How are you being careful when you pick your verbs? How are you playing with language to create the precise effect you want in a reader's mind? Or are you just whizzing through it all, using descriptions you've read in books because it's easier that way? Doing shit like this gets you nowhere. I read the jacket copy for a self-published romance novel where the author actually wrote that the dangerous and intriguing mystery man <i>knocked the heroine's world on its axis</i>. I kid you not. This is the kind of writer I'm talking about. I saw a second writer who tried to convince me of a character's ability to deploy "feminine whiles." These people need to become better craftsmen. Right now, they're just swinging hammers with a blindfold on and hoping they hit a nail.<br />
<br />
<b>Objection #4: But editors need money. I have the money. What's the problem?</b><br />
This is a slippery slope that often ends in <i>bullshit</i>. Replace "editors" with "prostitutes." Are you really doing this out of the goodness of your heart for your editor? Don't use this as an excuse not to learn to revise or proofread yourself. Trust me. We editors are a skilled and wily bunch. We'll survive.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNK7qW7A8MllAy5r1Xz2gQ_WxPSkGhFWRvCSdZvGgbINSIJnkcah3Rl9sc6GeTP7_NBeR_QMFc7h5hfCPIROcCQeILLQVPBUV1y07NoBZAtmSSErqiUI5BtFxvX0-jzxD7jpZeO3eE1s8/s585/books-arent-written-theyre-rewritten-michael-crichton-quote.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Books aren't written, they're rewritten: Michael Crichton quote" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNK7qW7A8MllAy5r1Xz2gQ_WxPSkGhFWRvCSdZvGgbINSIJnkcah3Rl9sc6GeTP7_NBeR_QMFc7h5hfCPIROcCQeILLQVPBUV1y07NoBZAtmSSErqiUI5BtFxvX0-jzxD7jpZeO3eE1s8/s320/books-arent-written-theyre-rewritten-michael-crichton-quote.jpg" height="320" title="Books aren't written, they're rewritten: Michael Crichton quote" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What do you think...would Michael Crichton have appreciated<br />
being immortalized on a purple gingham background?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b>Objection #5: But I need someone who will push me to do better.</b><br />
<i>Bullshit.</i> If you want to do better, you can and you will. If you have the desire to become a better writer, don't do it by hiring someone to tell you why you suck. That's stupid. Figure it out yourself so you're not dependent on an editor for every book you write. It's like this: "Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime." Teach yourself to fucking fish. Do it by reading, experimenting, writing more, getting critiques from friends and beta readers, then rewriting again and again until you've produced something that leaves them speechless. And <i>then</i> you can hire an editor for that extra 10% of effort that gets you to the full 110%.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>An editor can be a part of that solution, but only a part, and only after you've exhausted every inner working of your soul that can go into the creation and recreation of your book.</i></blockquote>
<br />
<b><i>Tip:</i></b> A really good creative writing professor once told me that the best way to learn how to write good stories is to copy a great story out by hand. As you write the other writer's words, you'll absorb how they flow and how they're put together. You'll be forced to slow down and really read the story. He suggested doing this with Flannery O'Connor. Have you done this yet? I didn't think so. <br />
<br />
<b>Objection #6: Why do you hate people so much?</b><br />
As Bukowski said, "I don't hate people. I just feel better when they aren't around." <br />
<br />
If you love writing, great. So do I. But doing only the fun parts is like what a five-year-old does when she strews toys all across the living room, plays with one or two of them, and then abandons the mess to go play outside. Or when you cook a great meal, eat it, and then leave dirty dishes lying everywhere. No, it's not fun to clean them. But paying someone else to do it because it's a difficult or distasteful task is cheating. <br />
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Think of the great writers of history: Homer, Sophocles, Chaucer, Shakespeare. They learned their shit and they learned it well. Yes, guys like Hemingway and Fitzgerald received editing from their publishers...<i>only once they had turned in a manuscript that was as honed and polished as they could get it.</i> They didn't slap-dash anything the page, do a Microsoft spellcheck, and hire someone to make sure it wasn't a mess. They agonized and revised and revised again. Your agony level needs to be somewhere north of poison-oak-in-your-nether-region. If you're at lemon-juice-in-hangnail stage, you're not nearly there yet.<br />
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Yes, beta readers can be helpful. As the book's writer, you cannot approximate a first-time reader's experience (unless you become psychic or telepathic). But fixing commas and quotation marks and hyphens and holes in your plot an elephant could fit through simply because you can't learn how to do it yourself? <br />
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Give me a break. You can do better. (Have I mentioned I love memes?)<br />
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<br />Jenni Wiltzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02661050256535845651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6016736003379634401.post-3749499523343648392013-05-29T20:20:00.001-07:002021-05-07T12:25:16.012-07:00Reasons to Be Cheerful<div>
<span style="orphans: 2; text-align: -webkit-auto; widows: 2;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I'm amazed by how hard it is for me to write a happy post. I am naturally inclined to think the sky is falling if I don't have everything on my <a href="http://jenniwiltz.blogspot.com/2013/03/worry-birds-73-things-that-keep-self.html" target="_blank">worry bird list</a> checked off. And I don't....NOT EVEN CLOSE. Stressing out is sort of a natural state of being for me as an indie writer. </span></span></div>
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<span style="orphans: 2; text-align: -webkit-auto; widows: 2;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">At the same time, I realize that you guys probably don't want to read dark and bitchy posts all the time. Sometimes we (and I mean me) have to take a step back and look at the things that are going right to keep from freaking out over the things that aren't going at all. </span></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">So queue up the player below, which contains the official soundtrack for this post: Ian Drury's Reasons to Be Cheerful, Part 3.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><iframe frameborder="no" height="166" scrolling="no" src="https://w.soundcloud.com/player/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F4891814" width="100%"></iframe>
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<u style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;">How to Be Happy (When You Still Have 8 Damn Million Things to Do)</span></u></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGA1PNXrJt19U4aLVH-Y3ItdEs_lwtOJthhBO5bz2xYisC72lSrZ6gDkCAZE55O5LlY2h2oc6L2wyZDzaxdSLnL2Gs3s81fGXP6bFDk4abTMBSj0BxqxiKEaC62tq0e04EyE8-WMDFCrg/s1600/sparkle-shoes.jpg" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Jenni's sparkle shoes" border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGA1PNXrJt19U4aLVH-Y3ItdEs_lwtOJthhBO5bz2xYisC72lSrZ6gDkCAZE55O5LlY2h2oc6L2wyZDzaxdSLnL2Gs3s81fGXP6bFDk4abTMBSj0BxqxiKEaC62tq0e04EyE8-WMDFCrg/s200/sparkle-shoes.jpg" title="Jenni's sparkle shoes" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Now with more sparkle!</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">1. Look at that sky. It's not actually falling. Heck, it's not even raining. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />2. Your shoes are cute. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />3. Hey, your necklace is cute, too. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br /><span style="font-family: inherit;">4. All of your fingernails are intact. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br /><span style="font-family: inherit;">5. You submitted to 10 literary journals over the weekend. That's 10 chances to kick ass.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br /><span style="font-family: inherit;">6. You entered your first-ever YA novel in a contest to win a publishing contract. That takes balls. Whether you win or lose or just make it through to the second round and then lose, you still have a brand-spankin' new book done and ready to go. <a href="https://review.wizehive.com/voting/view/nextbestauthor/0/1228322/0" target="_blank">If you want to read it (and vote for it!), click here</a>. </span></div>
<div><br /><span style="font-family: inherit;">7. You are planning your first-ever urban fantasy novel. You've always wanted to write something that combines your favorite writing subjects: hicks and the supernatural. Don't stress about how long the planning and research is taking. Be happy that you'll get to fulfill a goal by writing this book. Use it as an excuse to say "y'all" even more often. Plus, it means you get to watch Justified and Duck Dynasty and <a href="http://www.suckerpunchpictures.com/last_one_popcorn_sutton.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">this</a> and call it research. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br /><span style="font-family: inherit;">8. You're working now. So what if 3 out of 4 of your eBook covers still suck? Set aside some money and pay to get new ones. Then market with confidence. In the land of eBooks, nothing is permanent. It can always be fixed or upgraded. It's just money. Why do you have it if not to use on on something that's really, vitally important to you?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />9. Your husband loves you. And he wants you to spend your money on book covers if that's what will make you happy. And he is going to tile the kitchen floor. And he will come all way across the house when you yell, "Spider!" </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />10. There are lots of cute puppies in the world. You don't have one, and probably never will, but that doesn't mean the world is a lesser place. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">11. You have learned so much about marketing as a writer in the past few months. It makes you feel like you're eight hundred years behind schedule, but that's only because you're comparing yourself to others. You are you. You know what you need to do. That's all that matters. </span><br />
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12. Have you <i>seen</i> the view from your deck?<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUuYX2KyhQWazOYQV7kXj6-0iBAuRq4bm2YLTWJ-2z4vWP6mw-Nf1I-uIxlcgM3N1p_idfT2SVlNkjtaSAeEcQw6MT0EbyTuQ16SWOrx4HIqXMYHHObVMT44a2EfPCwKF4QJCZD76RPzk/s1600/homesweethome.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Beautiful Pilot Hill, California" border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUuYX2KyhQWazOYQV7kXj6-0iBAuRq4bm2YLTWJ-2z4vWP6mw-Nf1I-uIxlcgM3N1p_idfT2SVlNkjtaSAeEcQw6MT0EbyTuQ16SWOrx4HIqXMYHHObVMT44a2EfPCwKF4QJCZD76RPzk/s400/homesweethome.jpg" title="Beautiful Pilot Hill, California" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Not a painting, no sirree. This is genuine Pilot Hill awesomeness.</td></tr>
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Jenni Wiltzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02661050256535845651noreply@blogger.com0Pilot Hill, CA, USA38.8344149 -121.014182538.8220459 -121.0343525 38.8467839 -120.99401250000001tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6016736003379634401.post-36768807751322259802013-05-14T20:59:00.000-07:002013-05-14T20:59:56.808-07:00Book Review: Angelopolis by Danielle Trussoni<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjS340c0yb51b1rJvVM4MDzQfNkSsxmPpJ7pt8W01vnutI7EGCdqwOElTPwP3mG4WknAFk7jZc5l5vAfaX5RH-3DU68OuYHk7gMUjpm26BKZ1VXs-02TYS_qVfk-CWyFCMbWoF86VV2vjs/s1600/angelopolis.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Angelopolis by Danielle Trussoni" border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjS340c0yb51b1rJvVM4MDzQfNkSsxmPpJ7pt8W01vnutI7EGCdqwOElTPwP3mG4WknAFk7jZc5l5vAfaX5RH-3DU68OuYHk7gMUjpm26BKZ1VXs-02TYS_qVfk-CWyFCMbWoF86VV2vjs/s200/angelopolis.png" title="Angelopolis by Danielle Trussoni" width="131" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The characters I know and loathe <br />are at it again in <i>Angelopolis</i>.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">If you read this blog regularly, you know that the first book in this series, <i>Angelology</i>, earned my undying loathing for its failure to capitalize on a near-brilliant premise. Well, that and some of the worst writing I've ever read in a book praised by everyone from the <i>New York Times</i> to <i>USA Today</i>. Clearly there was some Kool-Aid going around and everyone became insane for a brief period of time in 2010. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Well, this time I was much smarter about things. I didn't spend my own money--I patronized my local library. There's one more sliver of good news here: I didn't loathe it quite as much as the first one. If the first book received a grade of F from me, this one's a D. It might just be because instead of 450 mind-numbing anger-inducing pages, this one's a scant 300. Let's see how it shakes down, shall we?</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: inherit;">Spoiler-free summary:</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">The heroine of the last book, Evangeline, is an angel (we learned this at the very end of <i>Angelology</i>). Verlaine, her love interest, has become an angel hunter and spent the last 10 years looking for her. Yes, we have jumped 10 years forward in time. Why? God knows. Two or three years would probably have sufficed. Verlaine and Evangeline have a brief run-in that convinces Verlaine he is in love with her. Evangeline is kidnapped by another angel, working for the Grigori family (angel bad guys), but not before she slips Verlaine a Faberge egg. Verlaine and Bruno, his angel hunting mentor, must figure out what the egg means and where Evangeline has been taken.</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: inherit;">WTF spoiler-filled summary:</span></b></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAFR3L3tH6uveUo7UM9uiuxBqs0VHVmJow8Acpalay9GWWOFlCdF6_r-L-0ruNMAwNL8O7c3Tw5geEqvBZol5JQhBvAyxtxs6u6_TSH3LKstbWqxDjL62HDE-6AgaD3lULcL3G-LRqLdQ/s1600/panopticon.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="drawing of the Panopticon" border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAFR3L3tH6uveUo7UM9uiuxBqs0VHVmJow8Acpalay9GWWOFlCdF6_r-L-0ruNMAwNL8O7c3Tw5geEqvBZol5JQhBvAyxtxs6u6_TSH3LKstbWqxDjL62HDE-6AgaD3lULcL3G-LRqLdQ/s200/panopticon.png" title="drawing of the Panopticon" width="193" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Grad school asshats <br />always mention the Panopticon <br />when they want to seem smart.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">The angels are trying to build themselves a city and take over the planet. Apparently, some Nephilim descendants used to give birth by laying eggs. People came out of these eggs, I shit you not. Egg births have become quite rare, although they are desirable for the higher-quality angelic offspring they produce. Queen Victoria is a Nephilim descendant and, by extension, Empress Alexandra of Russia. Alexandra had an egg birth that occurred during what history has recorded as a phantom pregnancy. Alexandra was actually impregnated by the archangel Gabriel and so the resulting egg-child (Lucien) is of a purer angelic strain than ordinary Nephilim. There is some huge angel prison in Siberia, modeled after the Panopticon of Jeremy Bentham. It blows up in the end. Oh, and there's an angel vaccination of sorts, which could turn an angel or a Nephilim human again. It can only be made once due to the rarity of one of its ingredients. The angel hunters made it, and Verlaine hands it over to Evangeline, thinking she will quaff it, but no, she steals it and leaves to hang out with Lucien, who is actually her father. Verlaine gets pissed and instantly wants to kill her (again). He gets voted as the leader of the next round of angel/Nephilim resistance fighters. The end. My head hurts.</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: inherit;"><u>Things that Didn't Suck</u></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: inherit;">1. </span><i style="font-family: inherit;">Angelopolis</i></b><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b> was shorter than the first book.</b> This represents an attempt on the author's part to keep the plot more tightly controlled. It also meant the whole thing gets over with faster. </span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>2. The Romanovs were peripheral characters.</b> Ideas that link real people and historical events to mythological events are cool.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>3. It created some interesting mythology</b> about the Biblical flood, Noah, the Ark's location, and what exactly got preserved on that Ark. </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">Those are all the nice things I can think of to say.</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: inherit;"><u>Things that Sucked</u></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>1. The author still seems to believe that long-winded explanations and backstory and plot setup can take up 70% of a book without the reader getting bored.</b> It is DISASTROUS. In the quote below, a co-worker of Dr. Azov, an angelologist, asks a visiting angelologist named Vera if she needs a refresher on the kind of work Azov does before meeting the good doctor: </span><br />
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"No need," Vera said. "I know that Azov has occupied the center on St. Ivan Island for over three decades--since before I was born. His outpost was created in the early eighties, when a body of research pointed to the presence of well-preserved artifacts under the Black Sea. Before this, angelologists stationed in Bulgaria worked near the Devil's Throat in the Rhodope mountain chain, where they monitored the buildup of nephilim and, of course, acted as a barrier should the Watchers escape." (p 136)</blockquote>
Holy mother of God, if the answer to someone's question is a simple "no," just say "no." </div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>2. The dialogue is tragic.</b> It's artificial at best, and often used to deliver complicated history lessons. This makes the characters themselves seem even more wooden than they actually are. Here's one stellar example of tragic dialogue:</span><br />
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"Absolutely certain," he said. "And I'm not the only one--an angelologist is hunting her at this very moment. An angel hunter." </blockquote>
How could we fail to be aware of the fact that an ANGELOLOGIST who is HUNTING her is an angel hunter? At what point in the second sentence is this unclear enough to need a third?<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifDI31IemjCjkYhvJAo1gd3JaxrtNaqbKQn2ljOQ1WfTUqoP16PCuccXZnBo6riGPCxSY6CPTwACy1xtsSY0j9NASqaAFE2C6pleK5Rpf1vrbJWvTFyRutiU6JHIgYHd4oG8Ylopbmz8w/s1600/why-so-serious.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Image of the Joker from Batman writing "Why so serious?" in blood" border="0" height="125" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifDI31IemjCjkYhvJAo1gd3JaxrtNaqbKQn2ljOQ1WfTUqoP16PCuccXZnBo6riGPCxSY6CPTwACy1xtsSY0j9NASqaAFE2C6pleK5Rpf1vrbJWvTFyRutiU6JHIgYHd4oG8Ylopbmz8w/s200/why-so-serious.png" title="Why so serious?" width="200" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>3. The tone and sentence structure never change. </b>A five-page digression into angelology and a motorcycle action scene are treated exactly the same way, and this does a disservice to the few action scenes. It gives the book a plodding feel. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>4. There is no humor whatsoever.</b> This series takes it itself so goddamn seriously. Even books and shows that deal with the end of the world need a little humor. <i>Supernatural</i> does this amazingly well. You can't have DANGER DANGER BIBLICAL WEIRDNESS RASPUTIN DANGER LECTURE ON BIBLICAL WEIRDNESS OMG WORLD ENDING PANOPTICON THE END without a moment or two of levity. People are not robots. I found myself seeking an escape from this book, which is theoretically entertainment, and thus supposed to <i>be</i> an escape. Epic fail. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>5. The characters are flat.</b> They aren't allowed to do or say anything except spout Trussoni's "big ideas" about history and angelology. They don't have favorite foods or favorite colors or get bitten by bugs or hate their shoes or express real-life opinions about anything non plot-related. They don't have thoughts about past loves or wives or girlfriends or boyfriends or past experiences that reveal who they are. They are plot devices, not people. This is the closest to characterization you get:</span><br />
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He would be forty-three years old in less than a week and he was in the best condition of his life, able to run for miles without breaking a sweat. (p 35)</blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>6. The writing is flat.</b> Everything is told, never shown. We are simply told what characters feel. They do not express it or show it. It gets boring. So very boring. Apparently, Trussoni graduated from the Iowa Writer's Workshop. Coulda fooled me.</span><br />
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"You want to re-create paradise," Angela said, astonished.</blockquote>
Someone who's good at writing wouldn't have needed to explain the bad guy's shtick, and could have used a gesture or body language to convey said astonishment. Here's another awesome example:<br />
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There was a rusty Zid motorcycle parked nearby, its wires hanging loose. The engine was vastly different from his Ducati, but in a matter of seconds, he'd hot-wired the bike, thrown his leg over the leather seat, and was speeding after Eno. (p 125)</blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Hmm. In addition to the multiple "was" verb forms making this theoretically exciting chase scene boring, this passage begs several logistical questions. If Verlaine has a Ducati, how is he intimately familiar with the workings of a Zid engine? What the hell are the wires doing hanging loose in the first place? Wouldn't the owner, like, I don't know, fix that shit? And how, pray tell, does one hot-wire a motorcycle? A bit of authenticity here would have helped. At least YouTube it and try and find out how it's done.</span><br />
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As Verlaine followed Angela's movements, he realized that his entire body had gone rigid. (p 82)</blockquote>
In the above, why wouldn't you simply say, "Verlane's body went rigid"? All of the "following" and "realizing" dilute the power of the physical effect Trussoni is trying to create. This is bush league, people.<br />
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From the way she looked at him, he could feel her rage. (p 178)</blockquote>
And again, we have the bush league version of telling, not showing. <b>How</b> did she look up at him? What was in her eyes, in her body language? <br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /><b>7. Some of the facts are not right.</b></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> Could have been a simple typo, but the book gives 1917 as the Romanov execution year. Nope. Also, when mentioning the Romanov execution, she talks about them going out "into the cold." Um, it was July. And hot as Hades. Not sure anything would have been cold. Minor quibbles, I know, but they exist.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0dk1xSUXVt9V7exkZoEPURhEijPUSvBdHBi5wYhHV7HF3p_omRW5Pc64UmM1IvIpD06MTT9JhgKvv3Jjqo-M31cExkhM2ugEhH8rkMAdG3yWnfeTy0O1rNtpaaRuwaM9oZvcoa-DVZDs/s1600/desk-flip-rage-over-how-stupid-angelopolis-is.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="desk flip rage because of how incredibly bad Angelopolis by Danielle Trussoni is" border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0dk1xSUXVt9V7exkZoEPURhEijPUSvBdHBi5wYhHV7HF3p_omRW5Pc64UmM1IvIpD06MTT9JhgKvv3Jjqo-M31cExkhM2ugEhH8rkMAdG3yWnfeTy0O1rNtpaaRuwaM9oZvcoa-DVZDs/s200/desk-flip-rage-over-how-stupid-angelopolis-is.png" title="desk flip rage because of how incredibly bad Angelopolis by Danielle Trussoni is" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I give up. I fucking give up.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>8. The sheer ridiculosity of the egg birth thing.</b> I just don't buy it. Nephilim lay eggs? Like, an egg actually grows in the woman and she gives birth to it? Does it then hatch immediately? Or does it friggin' incubate in a bassinet? And I'm supposed to believe Peter the Great came out of an egg? All Trussoni says is, </span>"...how such a birth had come to pass was never documented" (p 221). Wow, convenient, huh? <span style="font-family: inherit;">But if the ranks of European royalty are littered with Nephilim, what happened in the days when many royal births were public? Did the woman know in advance whether she'd give birth to an egg or a baby? How could all the ladies-in-waiting and midwives who were present at egg births throughout history have been silenced? This just has too many logistical weirdnesses to it. I can't suspend my disbelief that far. And who said angels have egg babies? They aren't birds. Birds evolved from dinosaurs. Did angels evolve from dinosaurs, too? Again, I am confused. If the author has thought through the answers to these questions, they need to be shared. In a way that doesn't involve eight pages of lecturing dialogue. But this is what we get:</span><br />
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Verlaine stole a look at Vera, wondering how all of this was striking her. It seemed that her dubious theories about Easter eggs and royal egg births could be supported by the tsarina's collection. (p 104) </blockquote>
WTF? Because the Romanovs had Faberge eggs, they MUST be nephilim? I have a carving of an elephant on my bookshelf. Does that mean I'm half pachyderm?</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>9. The sheer ridiculosity of the idea that Empress Alexandra and her daughters had wings.</b> That she taught them to fly on lazy afternoons in the Crimea. I mean, really. If anyone had wings, it would have been Felix Yussupov, right? And isn't it extremely likely that some one in the Romanov entourage would have seen crap like this? Again, how were these witnesses silenced? Even when on "vacation" at Livadia in the Crimea, there was still an enormous household of servants, tutors, cooks, ladies in waiting, and friends. It strains credulity that this could have happened. And let's think a little harder about this...if they did have wings, how likely is it that they would have been held prisoner for so long? Especially toward the end, after the rescue attempt failed? Couldn't they have flown away from the Ipatiev house? It boggles the mind. But, no, in the author's world, this is legit:</span><br />
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She spent hours grooming her great pink wings. She would use her leisure time teaching her daughters to fly in the private garden of their country estate in the Crimea. (p 112)</blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>10. I'm still not clear on *why* the archangel Gabriel chose to impregnate Alexandra.</b> What was so important about that time, that situation? It's important for the world-bu</span><span style="font-family: inherit;">ilding and mythology, but it was glossed over. I mean, why not impregnate Anne Boleyn? Surely she prayed just as hard for a son as Alexandra. What was so important about Alexandra and Russia and that moment in time? We are never told. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>11. Trussoni is incredibly bad at building a believable relationship.</b> Verlaine and Evangline are cardboard characters, so it's impossible to take them seriously when they try to feel things. Like love. Verlaine runs the gamut from "I hate her, I want to kill her" to "Maybe she's not so bad" to "I freakin' love her" to "I hate that bitch." The words fly out of his mouth and it feels random because there is no establishment of his emotional history. Here's the big moment when Evangeline and Verlaine have some Jedi mind-meld moment of togetherness as they escape from danger:</span><br />
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He was sure that all of the thoughts and all of the desires that he'd ever felt had collected in his heart at that moment. (p 290)</blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">So glad he's sure. Wouldn't want any of those stray, unnamed thoughts or desires getting away from him now.<br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>12. The number of times she uses the phrase "as if" to describe things that are happening is staggering.</b> Witness the following examples: </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZGNlMmaN5F401eSviD-ONBiUzo1zlGfwhFdGunaNIUoRvuZ_g4rGN2lJlnGOmZIikTxjLtBJIYfwpI_ElvxSnqX2JzM6Kl0eHvMk0TPs6DoFlyX_XJFeGnSh7WgR7MrFau_DK94hFYBs/s1600/stress-reduction.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZGNlMmaN5F401eSviD-ONBiUzo1zlGfwhFdGunaNIUoRvuZ_g4rGN2lJlnGOmZIikTxjLtBJIYfwpI_ElvxSnqX2JzM6Kl0eHvMk0TPs6DoFlyX_XJFeGnSh7WgR7MrFau_DK94hFYBs/s200/stress-reduction.png" width="162" /></a>The entire structure had the appearance of a ruin, the light fixtures crude, <span style="background-color: cyan;">as if</span> the building had been wired for only the most basic functionality." (p 151)</blockquote>
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It was <span style="background-color: cyan;">as if</span> they all felt that a solution was possible, that once they made it to Valko they would overcome the seemingly impossible odds. (p 175)</blockquote>
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...a second blast of searing heat seized her, this one more intensely painful than the first, <span style="background-color: cyan;">as if</span> her skin had been peeled away in one clean sweep. (p 258)</blockquote>
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ONE PARAGRAPH LATER </blockquote>
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...the moment Vera woke it seemed to her that she had died and emerged on the other side of existence, <span style="background-color: cyan;">as if</span> Charon had in fact taken her across the deathly river Styx to the banks of hell. (p 258)</blockquote>
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ONE SENTENCE LATER</blockquote>
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Her body felt stiff and hot, <span style="background-color: cyan;">as if</span> she had been dipped in wax. (p 258)</blockquote>
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<b>The Takeaway</b><br />This book is a flop. There is no deft or beautiful language, no metaphor, nothing of note linguistically. It's just a weird-ass confusing story, told with little grace or charm and absolutely no hint of humor or spark or real life.<br />
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Jenni Wiltzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02661050256535845651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6016736003379634401.post-32240130048953666342013-04-23T20:16:00.000-07:002013-04-23T20:16:40.122-07:008 Signs You Are Not the Chuck Norris of Writing<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8gFpwRAAZme498zXJ0CdXh5Rw8UEtCdGgj6z140l2ll27ZVUy03i8gv6Cr9jxxNmZas9I6iwuJZUhmzKCX3GlKevHI0_usWH0FIFZe8_DGLFS-fzM3lE6l0llCjwzqCSRk5I4tbSN-dc/s1600/ChuckMeme4.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; display: inline !important; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8gFpwRAAZme498zXJ0CdXh5Rw8UEtCdGgj6z140l2ll27ZVUy03i8gv6Cr9jxxNmZas9I6iwuJZUhmzKCX3GlKevHI0_usWH0FIFZe8_DGLFS-fzM3lE6l0llCjwzqCSRk5I4tbSN-dc/s200/ChuckMeme4.png" width="196" /></a><b>As a writer, you're a target.</b> You're putting yourself out into the world and asking both readers and ubiquitous Internet heroes to comment on your work.<br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">Some of these folks are looking to take you down, to give you a bad review, to tell you you don't know what you're doing. They are the Kim Jong-uns of the Internet: puffy, whiny, self-important, and probably in need of a kick in the pants. As a writer, the last thing on earth you want to do is give these people ammunition. You want to be the Chuck Norris of writing, the one-man-army capable of telling a legion of disbelievers to go straight to hell: </span><span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;"><i>Vaya con Chee-Tos, mothertruckers.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">One of the best ways to do this is to make sure your fundamentals--your phrasing and grammar--are correct. Many writers skip this step, preferring to rely on their storytelling ability to carry them through the process. </span><span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: -webkit-auto;">But this would be like Chuck Norris skipping all the other color belts that lead up to a black belt. Did Chuck Norris skip out on the yellow belt or the purple belt? I think not. He mastered that shit because he's Chuck Norris. You can do the same.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">One more note, before we dive in: Chuck Norris would never use Microsoft's grammar check. He knows it's wrong half the time. He ignores it, and you should, too. Chuck Norris learned how to write by reading. A lot. And more than just kung-fu how-to manuals. Chuck Norris reads classics, sci-fi, historicals, biographies, and oh yes, even a vampire book or two. If you want to learn to write like Chuck Norris, you need to read out of your pay grade. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">In any case, Chuck and I offer this starter kit of 8 stupid mistakes never to make with your writing. Some of these are actual mistakes I've seen in books, many self-published. Go forth and conquer. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>1. You use turns of phrase without actually knowing what they mean.</b> </span></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>"...the change knocked her world on its axis..."</i> This is not correct. An axis is an imaginary line around which an object (presumably a planet) rotates. When something incredible happens to your character, her world cannot be knocked ON its axis. It was there to begin with. Her world may, however, be knocked OFF its axis. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>"...step foot in..."</i> This is everywhere. People say it, but it IS NOT RIGHT. The phrase is "set foot in." It might make sense at first because "step" is a logical word to combine with "foot." But the sense in which it is used is totally wrong. To "step" automatically implies you are using your foot, which makes the use of the word "foot" stupid and redundant. To "set" does not automatically imply you are performing this action with a foot; therefore, it is reasonable that you then specify "foot" after the verb. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>"...she thought to herself..."</i> Unless your character is telepathic, there is no way she could "think" to anyone else.</span></li>
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<b><span style="font-family: inherit;">2. You use adverbs when the verb you use already implies that adjective. </span></b></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>"...tripped clumsily."</i> Can you trip in a way that's not clumsy? Even if you can, is that what your character is doing?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>"...shouted loudly."</i> Is it even possible to shout quietly? If it is, "shouted" is the wrong damn verb.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>"...jumped quickly."</i> Let's see you jump slowly. I dare you to try. I dare Chuck Norris to try.</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>3. You use adverbs too much in general.</b> We all know adverbs are to be used sparingly. But occasionally, they creep in and that can be okay. But it's not okay when you're using an adverb because it's easier and faster than describing how a character does something. You're a writer. You're supposed to be describing how characters do things. That's your job. So do better at it. Here are some examples of lazy adverb use:</span></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>"You murdered my nephew," he said angrily.</i> Really? Because I always thought proclamations of murder were issued joyfully. Gosh, wouldn't it be nice if the punctuation could somehow reveal the character's emotion? If only someone had invented a single punctuation mark that conveys strong feeling.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>"Constantly stepping from foot to foot, Joe looked nervous."</i> In this case, the adverb is unnecessary. Stepping from foot to foot already implies the motion is constant. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>"Moving slowly through the graveyard..."</i> If your verb requires an adverb for the reader to get the picture, you picked a shitty verb. </span></li>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>4. You misuse prepositions.</b> Oh God, the prepositions. They are under attack. I don't know how this happened. It's like waking up one day to find out that all the streets have been renamed and now you have no idea what people are saying when they're trying to give you directions on how to get to the grocery store. And you're like, "Man, all I wanted is some mac and cheese. Why are you making it so hard?" Don't make it hard on your reader. Prepositions are the street signs that tell your reader where your sentence is going. If you don't use the right street sign, your reader is lost. And lost people get angry. Sometimes they get murdered by drifters. Do you want your readers to get murdered by drifters? Don't answer that. Like Blair Waldorf, I rely on plausible deniability.</span></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>"...ponder on..."</i> You ponder something. You don't ponder <i>on</i> it. If you tell me you're pondering on a Corvette, I will imagine you perched upon a car, thinking about a subject you failed to specify.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>"She was ignorant to the fact that he was an ex-con."</i> She ain't the only one. You can be ignorant <i>of</i> a fact, but not ignorant <i>to</i> it. There's no easy way to learn this stuff. You just have to read good books and absorb these idioms.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>"...disappointed from..."</i> You can be disappointed <i>by</i> the fact that you died <i>from</i> dysentery, but you cannot be disappointed <i>from</i> the fact that you died <i>by</i> dysentery.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>"She glanced on her watch."</i> A glance is not a tangible thing, so it cannot actually be <i>on</i> the watch. She may, however, glance <i>at</i> her watch.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>"You can never go wrong on fruits and vegetables."</i> I BEG TO DIFFER. You can go very, very wrong. In order not to go so wrong, try going <i>with</i> them instead of <i>on</i> them.</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>5. You use descriptive dialogue tags.</b> You've probably seen Elmore Leonard's advice for writers, one point of which states that you should never use anything other than "said." 98% of the time, he's right. There is rarely a case when you need to use a dialogue tag. If you use one, you're following the same lazy pattern of writing indicated by adverb use. Your dialogue, in combination with the motion of the character in the scene, should tell the reader how that line is spoken. If you have to specify with a dialogue tag, you haven't effectively conveyed the feeling of the scene, the emotion of the character, or his or her mindset. </span></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>"Eww! I hate spiders!" she shrieked.</i> The problem with dialogue tags is that they are often unnecessary. The exclamation points tell you this character has strong feelings about spiders. She is probably angry or afraid, and you as the writer should provide the context to tell us which it is. Using both exclamation points and a tag such as cried/shrieked/wailed/exclaimed is overkill.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>"And the best part is...I never pressed play!" he cackled.</i> I call C+C Music Factory on this one. A cackle is a laugh, right? Can you actually speak all these words while cackling? Or is the laugh coming between the words? Or did the cackle come after, in which case the words themselves were not "cackled"? Or is the laugh really even a cackle to begin with? Do you see what kind of problems a poorly thought out dialogue tag can get you into? </span></li>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>6. You get subject-object agreement wrong.</b> This is a tricky one, but once you know what to look for, you'll see it everywhere. Remember, no one's asking you to speak properly. You don't have to obey this rule when you're talking to your mom or your wife, but you do have to obey it on the page. Because if you don't, someone who does know the rule is going to put down your book and think, "Amateur." And by someone, I mean Chuck Norris.</span></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>"Americans who love </i>The Fast and the Furious<i> live their life a quarter mile at a time."</i> What's wrong here? The subject of the sentence is "Americans." You're making a statement about a large group of people. But you used the word "life," which is not plural. Do all Americans live one life? Apparently not, since "One Life to Live" was canceled. See? Even ABC figured this shit out. Now it's your turn. You want to say that Americans live their <i>lives</i> a quarter mile at a time. Now you're cooking with gas.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>"One cannot have their cake and eat it, too."</i> You would think that a word like "one" is enough to tell you that it means "one." As in singular. As in not plural. So who are all these other folks you've invited into your sentence by using "their"? Is your "one" a schizophrenic? Are <i>you</i> a schizophrenic? If not, shape this shit up by keeping this a party of one: One cannot have one's cake and eat it, too. </span></li>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>7. You use semicolons. Badly.</b> You do not know how to use them, yet they appear throughout your book. Why is this? Do you randomly sprinkle mathematical formulas throughout your book just because they look intellectual and important? That's what lots of people do with semicolons. They look fancy, and probably imply that your sentence is multi-layered and complicated....right? No. Just...no. If you can't tell me the rule for semicolons, right now, don't use them. Ever. Until you learn the rule, which is this:</span></div>
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>One rule to rule all the rules:</i> Semicolons are used to separate TWO COMPLETE THOUGHTS. If either part cannot stand on its own as a grammatically correct entity, DO NOT USE A SEMICOLON. Chuck Norris will hurt you if you do this. If there's one thing Chuck Norris hates, it's bad semicolon usage. Don't believe me? Try it, and then go to sleep. See if you wake up.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>"One time at band camp; I did things my mom wouldn't approve of."</i> A semicolon is not a comma. These two thoughts are clearly connected, but they cannot stand on their own. "One time at band camp" is not a sentence...it is the <i>beginning</i> of a sentence. And yes, I know that sentence ended with a preposition. Some rules were meant to be broken. Deal with it.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>"Rochelle had more to do that Saturday night; more than get wasted." </i>Again, the second half of this sentence is placed for emphasis--it is not a sentence in and of itself. Only the cheese stands alone. Sentence fragments are not cheese.</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>8. You confuse the most basic contractions you learned in first flippin' grade.</b> I'm serious. Now you've got Chuck Norris *and* your first grade teacher really pissed at you. Is that what you want? He'll hold you down and punch you while your first grade teacher spits in your face. Or just drags her nails along the chalkboard. That's no one's good time. So do the world a favor and just learn what six-year-olds in good schools already have.</span></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>For the last time:</i> the apostrophe means it's a contraction. Contraction means two words are smashed together tighter than Kim Kardashian's boobs in a bustier. Some of the letters got kicked out because they couldn't breathe. The apostrophe tells us those letters are missing and someone might want to find them someday. Or not. It's up to you. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>You're/your.</i> <b>You're</b> going to get <b>your</b> ass kicked by Chuck Norris for fucking this up. If you cannot replace the word with "you are," you should use "your."</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>It's/its.</i> <b>It's</b> a damn shame the snake left <b>its</b> home and decided to sleep in your bed instead. If you cannot replace the word with "it is," you should use "its."</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Their/they're/there.</i> <b>They're</b> late for <b>their</b> own funeral because Chuck Norris got <b>there</b> first. </span></li>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">If you're seeing some of your own mistakes listed here, now you have the power to fix them. This is progress! If you're not seeing any of these mistakes in your writing, look harder. Look even harder still. And then, if you still don't see these mistakes, congratulations on possibly being the Chuck Norris of writing. I salute you.</span></div>
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Jenni Wiltzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02661050256535845651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6016736003379634401.post-44431281640979630582013-04-08T21:53:00.002-07:002013-04-08T21:58:59.167-07:00Book Review: A Secret Alchemy by Emma Darwin<div style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;">
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Based on the jacket copy, this book is right up my alley: it combines the historical mystery of the <a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2013/feb/05/princes-in-tower-staying-under" target="_blank">Princes in the Tower</a> with two historical narrators involved in the drama (Elizabeth and Anthony Woodville) and a modern narrator, a historian named Una. The jacket copy promises the book is "a brilliant feat of historical daring." Suffice to say it falls short both of brilliance and daring.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="A Secret Alchemy by Emma Darwin" src="http://i43.tower.com/images/mm112522656/a-secret-alchemy-novel-emma-darwin-paperback-cover-art.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" title="A Secret Alchemy by Emma Darwin" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The narrator would NEVER HAVE WORN <br />
A COAT THIS CUTE. I feel misled.<br />
Also, this cover has nothing to do with the book.</td></tr>
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All three narrators' stories are interwoven, presumably to illuminate each other. The modern narrator, Una Pryor, belongs to a large family that owns and operates a press housed in a medieval <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chantry" target="_blank">chantry</a>.<br />
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<i>(Digression alert. Chantry is a weird word, isn't it? A former friend once told me a terrible story about a dentist named Chantry. Something about mold growing in someone's head? Gross, n'est-ce pas? I still like the word, though.) </i><br />
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This part of the story follows Una and her repressed, noncommunicative family as they struggle to figure out how to keep their small press in business despite aging family members, scattered younger family members, and financial concerns. <a href="http://thougtforce.hubpages.com/hub/What-characterizes-a-Swede-and-the-Swedish-mentality-some-unwritten-laws-on-how-to-behave-in-Sweden" target="_blank">You'd think they were Swedish</a> the way they refuse to ask questions or say a single thing they're thinking.<br />
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The two medieval narrators, Anthony and Elizabeth, tell the story of the Woodville family from their precipitous rise to power when <a href="http://www.luminarium.org/encyclopedia/woodville.htm" target="_blank">Elizabeth married Edward IV</a> to the rise of Richard III and the murder of two of Elizabeth's sons in the Tower as a part of Richard's power-grab. These historical narratives are done relatively well, except for the gimmick of spelling the names differently in the medieval narrative and spelling them in modernized fashion in the modern narrative (Antony/Anthony; Elysabeth; Elizabeth). Despite the spelling issues, Anthony and Elizabeth are sympathetic and layered. They need a lot more room to play. They might have been able to save the book had they been the only ones telling the tale.<br />
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<b>The Worst Part</b><br />The modern narrator is a disaster. She is passive, weak, scattered, and stupendously uninteresting. Unfortunately, she carries most of the book. She is a hand-wringing sort, the kind who sighs with unhappiness and bemoans her state when a simple question, spoken out loud, would solve everything. She makes a big deal about being exhausted and tired when she hasn't done very much but sit in a car as a passenger and worry about things. <br />
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I wanted to steal things from her just to watch her DO something as she hunted for them.<br />
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<b>An Also Pretty Bad Part</b><br />But the weird structure and shifts in tone and tense are what killed the book for me. The whole purpose of interspersing modern and medieval perspectives should theoretically be to illuminate similarities in us despite the hundreds of years in between. But the two time periods are only loosely connected, and Darwin makes little effort to provide any sort of illumination. The modern characters fluff around in self-indulgent heaps, while the medieval characters get less page time despite the fact that <a href="http://www.woodvilles.org.uk/family1.htm" target="_blank">the cosmos basically hands their collective ass to them, which is much more interesting</a>.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://warsoftheroses.devhub.com/img/upload/elizabeth-woodville.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Elizabeth Woodville" border="0" src="http://warsoftheroses.devhub.com/img/upload/elizabeth-woodville.jpg" title="Elizabeth Woodville" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Elizabeth Woodville: hot or not?</td></tr>
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Una, the modern narrator, is theoretically writing a book about the books of the Woodvilles. You'd think the character might actually try to find out what they are, or read them, and think about them. Nope. She mentions one or two titles, but doesn't do more than go visit a couple of the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grafton_Regis" target="_blank">locations the Woodvilles found themselves in</a>, and then whine about how she can't "find" them in these places. Really, she just pines over a guy who worked in her family's chantry and then shows up again to help them save it. And pining makes her so tired, so then she just has to rest. It was almost halfway through the book before I realized Una might be, like, 50? 60? Not really sure. Never confirmed.<br />
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<b>The Weakest Link</b><br />Una is the weak link that destroys any real, lasting, emotional connection between our time and the Woodvilles. She's the weak link full stop, as the Brits say. Does she bother to make connections about her family losing their press and chantry as the Woodvilles lost their father, brother, and nephews during the upheavals of the War of the Roses? Nope. Does the widowed Una bother to connect herself to Elizabeth, widow of Edward IV? Maybe once. In a sentence. Does she bother to think for even a moment about <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anthony_Woodville,_2nd_Earl_Rivers" target="_blank">Anthony Woodville</a> (here, in love with a man) and her uncle Gareth (a closeted gay man)? What they might have shared in their experience? Nope. Too much trouble, apparently. Takes away from valuable time spent pining and whining and wringing her hands.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiY6NMaL2pE-VxpJO8G6WvV-nY1M_XFXhJniXZfK0twDfYRNsJ9sHePx_r_mZbbRZWyC_dq2_gaOyAI3I0H2AMQoKXYhOJfFfGmQz0K2BSWzksFR4F8LuLysBxqUOL79fAWEUKdbw-qByg/s1600/lego+tree.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Lego tree" border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiY6NMaL2pE-VxpJO8G6WvV-nY1M_XFXhJniXZfK0twDfYRNsJ9sHePx_r_mZbbRZWyC_dq2_gaOyAI3I0H2AMQoKXYhOJfFfGmQz0K2BSWzksFR4F8LuLysBxqUOL79fAWEUKdbw-qByg/s200/lego+tree.png" title="Lego tree" width="106" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The cheater tree.</td></tr>
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In the end, Una thinks she might write a biography instead of a scholarly work on the Woodvilles' books. But what on earth has she learned about them? She finds a letter written by one of them that <a href="http://nathenamin.com/2012/09/13/the-princes-in-the-tower-the-defence-case-for-henry-vii/" target="_blank">purports to clear up that whole what-happened-to-the-Princes-in-the-Tower thing</a>, touted as the focus of the book on the jacket. It gets a couple of sentences. That's it. And then the annoying-ass narrator thinks she's awesome for being in the right place at the right time to have someone hand her the letter, and decides to write a biography when she never really tried to write the scholarly book in the first place. UGH. It's like watching a kid <i>think</i> about trying to build a house out of Legos and then give up and stick the Lego tree on the green Lego base board instead. Because it's easier. And because they found the tree in the box. DONE, MAN. I NAILED THAT SHIT. LOOK AT MY LEGO TREE ON THIS NICE LEGO BASEBOARD. I DOUBT YOU COULD HAVE DONE BETTER.<br />
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<b>Oh, God, There's More?</b><br />The book also has another one of my pet peeves--present tense. Una's story is told in present tense, but it has so many friggin' flashbacks in the first half of the book, that half of the present tense ends up being in past tense anyway. JUST USE PAST TENSE. Present tense adds nothing. Absolutely nothing. All it does is confuse the living hell out of the bored reader who suddenly finds that Una has slipped yet again into a reverie. This woman should never be allowed to drive a car or operate heavy machinery. It's like narcolepsy of the soul. Surely there is a medication to deal with this. <br />
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<b>But How's the Writing?</b><br />The prose is stilted and hard to read for its sheer lack of fluidity. To wit:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"As I eat, I can't help but watch Mark. His plate's on the ground in front of him. Even with his knees bent up, his legs cross more of the rug than any Pryor's ever would. He looks up, our eyes meet. Even if he'd reached out his hand--his beautiful, long-fingered hand--and actually touched my cheek I couldn't be more shaken. What is this heat? Memory's powerful. But this, is this about the past? I was grown up by then and talking to Mark, working with Mark, referring to Mark, had all become easy enough, because the paths for that were well laid. The longer what I knew--thought--felt--went unspoken, the more manageable it was, and even the despair became a settled thing, a known quantity, a thick, stable layer at my core. I even sometimes thought he'd forgotten what I'd said, and sometimes thinking so hurt more, and sometimes it hurt less."</blockquote>
Oh, holy crap. This is just too much. We have present tense. We have past tense. We have the ridiculous contraction of "memory's powerful." We have some amorphous shift into the days when she dreamed about Mark. We have the a question asked of no one in particular. It's like a twelve-year-old girl trying to use a fifty-year-old woman's language. It just doesn't work. <br />
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<b>They Don't All Talk Like That, Do They?</b><br />It's not just Una who talks like this. It's her would-be beloved, Mark, too. Here's what he says during their great love scene:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<a href="http://hockeysfinest.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/facepalm.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Facepalm cat" border="0" height="158" src="http://hockeysfinest.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/facepalm.jpg" title="Facepalm cat" width="200" /></a>"I know. You wouldn't. But--but...I'm sorry, tell me if it's none of my business. I've been thinking about Sunday night. It's all I've thought about since...And Gareth said he wondered...Did you...I understand that for you--it's...Was it about ending for you? About the Chantry? About leaving England? About Adam, above all? I know that...But I hope you'll forgive me if I say...And ending, like you said. For you."</blockquote>
Oh, dude, just SPIT IT OUT. In real life, people might talk like this, but it is terrible on the page. Stilted and awkward and juvenile. This is the hero (?)'s big moment, and it's like a first-time hurdler stutter-stepping right out of the gate. Linguistically, these are <i>so not the people</i> you want to spend 400 pages with.<br />
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Ugh. I could go on. But there's no point. Just read the parts with Anthony and Elizabeth and skip all the modern parts because they will suck the patience and life out of you until you look <a href="http://wpc.556e.edgecastcdn.net/80556E/img.news/NEC5WGCGdTBiGF_1_1.jpg" target="_blank">the Cryptkeeper</a>. <br />
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This book earned Darwin a <a href="http://www.gold.ac.uk/pg/mphil-phd-creative-writing/" target="_blank">PhD in Creative Writing from Goldsmiths College</a>. This makes me want to bang my head against the wall until it's bloody and then write something better IN MY OWN BLOOD. Maybe in 10 years. Once I've finished paying for my Master's.Jenni Wiltzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02661050256535845651noreply@blogger.com0