Book Review: The Snooki book. I tried. So help me, I tried.

Okay, so my original idea was to read a book that might actually be popular, and link to it to draw in a few readers.  So when I saw the Snooki book at the library, I grabbed it (face down, of course, to protect my integrity).  I started reading last night, but especially after finishing Gillian Flynn's Dark Places, I couldn't do it.

I put it down.  Permanently.

Bad sign #1:  All the blurbs on the back reference Snooki the person, not Snooki the fake author.  (Valerie Frankel wrote the thing, not Snooki, despite what the copyright page says.)

Bad sign #2:  I've never seen Jersey Shore.  I'm alive and have a pulse, so I know what happens there and who the people are, and the dumb things they do and say.  But any so-called charm the show exhibits would be utterly lost on me since I'm too poor to afford cable.

Bad sign #3: One of the main characters is named Giovanna Spumanti, which I can't say, read, or type without wishing it was "Asti Spumanti."  Now that would have been funny.

Now, I've actually read one of Valerie Frankel's other books, Smart vs. Pretty.  It was a long time ago, but I remember liking it.  I don't think my problem is her writing per se.  I think my problem is her writing as it has to be in order to fit the genre, the location, the characters, and the supposed author.  

But still.  No one should read this.  There's no humor, no charm, nothing sweet or sexy, as the cover flap proclaims.

The characters are dim, despite their flashy clothes.  I don't want to be them.  I don't want to meet them.  I don't hope they find the gorilla juiceheads of their dreams.  I remember people who behaved this way in college (one of them might have been me, but I'm not telling).  The lesson I've learned since then is that acting that way is only fun for the people being the idiots, not the people watching the idiots or listening to the idiots.  This rules out any possibility that this book will make you feel good.  

Of course, things might improve after page 70-something, where I crapped out.  It's possible.  La Frankel received a paycheck, and for that, I'm already jealous.  I blame whoever's idea it was to slap Snooki's face on a book and imagine people wouldn't make fun of it.